But why now do I feel like I’m not worthy of any of it? Why does all this have me questioning myself? Is it because my mom has never told me she loved me?
Is that why I haven’t been able to give my heart to anyone? Even with Jade, and I’ve been more open with her than I have with anyone, but I can still feel myself holding back emotionally. Maybe deep down I’m afraid of what will happen if I do.
I stand there for the longest time just thinking about every major thing that’s happened from then until now, so many adventures I’ve taken, some risks, too, but I’m not unhappy with how everything turned out.
The memories turn over in my mind from Mom up and moving with no notice one day, without barely getting a chance to say goodbye to Grandpa Ray. Landing in California for a little while, where I made friends with Tanner and Ben on my first day. I was a hit in school, everyone liked the way I’d crack jokes and be the instigator of fun pranks on my friends. I really loved to make people happy and try to cheer someone up if they were down. The night I got into a fight with my mom and left plays heavily on my mind, there was no one to cheer me up because I felt completely useless. That’s why I grabbed that bottle of whiskey and headed to The Point.
Thank God for Billy Jones taking me in, because I probably would have just become another bum without him and blown my chance with the USHL when they came knocking. They’d seen me a couple of years back when I played in the junior league back home. A scout came looking for me one day when we’d been in San Diego for a while. Thank fuck I put all of my time and energy into the skating rink and practising whenever I could with Tanner and Ben. Billy also taking a special interest in my talents and making sure I didn’t fall by the wayside, helped me tenfold.
The way they took me in and wouldn’t let my mom take me back to that place again. I’m not sure I would have survived it mentally if they hadn’t.
I kick the ground with my foot and look up to the sky, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes. Feeling the cool wind on my face feels like a welcome home, kinda like the San Diego air has missed me. And I think I’ve missed it, too.
I think I’m hearing things when a dog barks and a few seconds later my eyes snap open and I turn my head. Before I know it, Robbie is upon me, literally running from the corner, jumping up at me like he’s a puppy again. I can’t believe they’re here.
I bend down to scratch him, Billy is just a few metres behind with Robbie’s leash in his hand. He quickly jogs to catch up to his dog.
“Are you alright?” Billy says when our eyes meet.
We both know what this place is for me, and I know he hasn’t forgotten that night either.
“I’m okay.” I pause for a beat. “It’s funny you should find me here.”
“Isn’t it.”
“Did you come and find me?”
“Maybe. Or it could be a huge coincidence.”
I doubt the latter, but I don’t mind. “You know, I was never going to jump that night,” I blurt out. I mean, he must be thinking it.
Billy nods, his eyes close for a second. “I know it, Jay. You were going through a lot, and you were pretty drunk that night. I was more concerned about you falling over the edge than anything.”
“I wasn’t very steady on my feet that day,” I say with a nervous laugh. “But it all worked out for me in the end. Thank you, Billy. I really mean that.”
“There’s nothing to thank me for,” he says in earnest, his blue eyes never leaving mine. They’re the exact same color as Jade’s. And I remember thinking it all those years ago.
“I owe everything to you and your family,” I say.
“You did the work, Jay. You worked so damned hard, I’ve never seen anything like it, or anyone overcome what you did so young.”
I feel a lump in my throat, one that’s impossible to swallow away. “It’s all I had until I found your family. Tanner has been an amazing friend over the years, Jade helped me so much back then with my grades. And you and Ellen took me in for those last few months before I moved.” I fucking feel a stinging behind my eyes, traitorous tears again pricking my eyeballs. Oh fuck, not again. “I can never repay you for that.”
Billy shakes his head and places a hand on my shoulder. Robbie is still wagging his tail close to my side, I bend to give him another pet on the head. “There’s nothing to repay me for, Jay. You’re like a son to me, we could all see your potential, you just needed someone to believe in you.”
I hold my breath for a second and try to let the emotion pass on by like rain clouds holding off for later. Letting it go a few moments later, when I think the coast is clear.
“Every time you say that, it really makes me feel like I’m someone,” I admit.
“Every time I say what?”
“Son,” I clarify. “It’s all I ever wanted, other than to play hockey, of course.”
Billy’s face crinkles in a smile. “You’ll always be like a son to me, you always have been.”
The tear rims at the edge of my eye. “I left Jade standing there,” I say with a sigh. “I’m an asshole sometimes.”
“Jade told me what’s going on. She said your mom has been knocking.”
