My heart pounds in my chest but I clench my teeth. “Were youstalkingme?”
“No. Not really. I was walking over to your apartment when I saw you across the street. Decided to follow you.”
“That is stalking,” I inform him. Then, “How did you even find me?”
At this, his lips twitch and his finger flex against mine. “You made it hard for me, didn’t you. You did good, baby. You hid yourself well.”
“Don’t call me baby.”
He shakes his head, muttering, “Didn’t tell anyone where you were going. Ditched your phone. No ping on your credit card either. If it wasn’t for me going out of my fucking mind that I decided to give Isadora a try, it would’ve taken me fuck of a lot longer than three days to find you.” Then, he mutters, “Actually, it was more Isadora taking pity on me to finally tell me where you went.”
See, I said I was being smart. Although, my smartness only extended to the point where I told Isadora about his friend who owned a security company and I was afraid he’d find me if he wanted to. She did the rest. As in, come up with the plan to make my disappearance untraceable or rather difficult to pinpoint.She got her driver to drive me all the way to New York City, gave me cash so I didn’t have to use my credit card. I was desperate enough to borrow that money, which I’m going to pay back just as soon as I get back to Bardstown. And of course, she called ahead to have the apartment ready for me.
Not to mention, my phone already had a tracking software. So I left it in the hotel room. I told Snow I’d make sure to call her every day to check in even though I was leaving my phone behind. By the way, this is why I was probably the last one to know about the leaked video. I didn’t have my phone and no one had a way to contact me so I only got to know about it when I called Snow two days ago and then almost died with embarrassment because my little sister, my sweet and innocent Snow, was the one who told me about it. She told me a bunch of other things but I ignore them like I’m ignoring everything else.
Anyway, for someone who hates secrets and hiding things, I was going gung-ho on the whole cloak and dagger stuff. But whatever. Clearly though, I did not do a good enough job because he found me only three days later. But that’s somehow not important even after all the lengths I went to, to hide myself. What’s more important is this: “You talked to Isadora?”
He looks me in the eyes. “Yes.”
“I didn’t think you’d?—”
“I know,” he says. “Which is why you chose her.”
Again, my heart skips a beat at this. That he actually went and had a conversation with her when he refuses to even look at her. When he refuses to mention her name. When he still thinks he’s in love with her. All for me, all to find me.
Before I can steel myself again to ignore this little tidbit of information, he speaks, as if reading my thoughts. “I don’t.”
And he doesn’t have to explain what he means by that just as I don’t have to say things out loud to him. He’s my mind readerand somehow, I’m the reader of his heart. If only helistenedto it rather than burying its voice deep inside of him.
I go to say I already know that. I already know he does not love her anymore. This is not new information to me. I was the one whotoldhim that when he drops a bomb on me. “Realized it the night everyone found out about their engagement.”
“What?”
He licks his lips again as he says, never once looking away like he knows I deserve that courtesy from him, “I was shocked, yes and my head was all fucked up. But not because she got engaged to Stellan, the girl I thought I loved. But because he got to be with the girl he loved while I had to stay away from the girl I wanted.”
“The girl you wanted,” I repeat, my heart beating in my throat.
“You.”
“Me.”
He grips my hands even tighter as he confesses, “I knew if I got back home that night, I wouldn’t be able to stay away from you like you wanted me to. So I drove around until I could get myself under control, get myneedfor you under control and only got back when I knew I’d be able to honor your wish.”
Honor my wish. For no secrets, no sneaking around. No lying to the family. I remember that night. I couldn’t get any sleep either because I thought he was in pain, and I thought I should break my promise to myself and soothe it.
“Why didn’t you tell me that?” I ask even though I think I already know the answer. “Why did you let me believe you still loved her?”
He swallows. “Because I didn’t want to give you any excuse to run.”
I should be angry at him. So fucking angry for lying. So fucking angry for hiding things, for doing twisted things to keepme from running. But all I want to do is cry. All I want to do is break down in tears because can’t he see? Can’t he see helovesme? He loves me so much and just because he’s so stubborn, so hardheaded he won’t admit to that. He won’t admit to his feelings and will keep hurting me. Hurting himself.
I swallow too, getting ready to send him away. If this is what he came here to tell me along with his pretty purple flowers, my answer is again, no, thank you. I don’t want to be with him. I don’t want anything to do with him.
But once again, he doesn’t give me a chance to say anything or even erect my walls and says, his voice rough and deep, “I was jealous. I havebeenjealous. Of my siblings.”
At this, I pause. I give him my full attention, despite knowing it’s not advisable. If I give him an inch, he’ll take a mile. But I wasn’t expecting him to say that, toadmitto it. I wasn’t expecting him to be blunt about it either, both in his words and in the way he’s looking at me. Like even though these aren’t really nice things to say but he can’t be embarrassed about them because they’re true.
“I didn’t know that. Not until recently. I thought something was wrong with me. Something was poisoning my insides so much so that some days I didn’t even want to be around them. I didn’t want to hang out with Ledger at practice. I didn’t want to go to Callie’s get-togethers. Every time they mentioned their girls, Reed, I just… I felt irritated. I felt like I couldn’t stand it. And well, you already know I couldn’t stand being near Stellan because I thought Isadora should be with me. But the truth is I was jealous. Jealous of what they had, have. The kind of happiness they have. The kind of love they have. They’re making their own families, and I couldn’t see that. Not when I was left behind. Not when I was lonely.”
