That was her showing me, wasn’t it? That she loved me. That she was mine in every way a woman could be a man’s. That I could love her back because I was safe with her. Turns out, she wasn’t safe with me. But then again, I always knew that.
We don’t know who took the video but it was published by the same website that we’re currently engaged in a legal battle with. Apparently, the cease and desist was only for their ridiculous Redhead Watch and so they thought they could publish a separate article about the same bullshit, dressing it up as the Thorne family scandal. The video has been taken down for now but the lawyers are still looking into getting a court order to ban all content regarding the Thorne family from being published by this website until the case is over.
Fucking leaches. Fucking scum of the earth every last one of them. Including her bitch mother who apparently gave them an interview that was published in conjunction with this video. We always knew she’d come back to fucking bite us in the ass for strongarming her but even I couldn’t have imagined her doing what she did. Actually, accusing her daughter of seducing the Thorne men. Apparently, her daughter did the same thing with her stepfather and so her mother wasn’t surprised to find she was doing the same to her stepbrother.
I almost lost my shit when I saw that. I almost burst out of the glass office they hauled me off to, after the fight on the field. Of course, to berate me and rip me a new one. I didn’t care though. I still wanted to leave, and I told them as much. They could kick me out if they wanted to but I wasn’t going to sit there and not tear apart the people responsible for the shitshow, including her mother. But they told me that the reporter was pressing charges and the only way team would handle it in my favor is I stayed put and paid attention.
Fuckers.
So I did what they told me to do not because I was afraid of jail but because if I went to prison on assault charges, I wouldn’t be able to win her back. And winning her back was—is—my only goal right now.
Anyway, the verdict about my future on the team is thereisno verdict as of yet. Apparently instead of kicking me out right away, they’re going to mull it over for a bit. And only because of my performance. It has been on a steady increase all season, with today’s game being my best with all five goals scored by me. But fuck that. None of that matters to me right now.
“I told you to stay away from her,” Conrad says and I look up from where I’m standing, leaning against the wall of my hotel room, my arms folded across my chest. He’s sitting in the armchair by the floor to ceiling window, his elbows on his thighsas he leans forward, looking grave, angry, disappointed. “I told you she was my responsibility.”
It prickles me the same way it did that first night when we discussed her and I remind him, “And I told you she was mine.”
It makes his jaw clench. “Well good job protecting her then.”
Low blow. That was a fucking low blow, and he knows that. I don’t have anything to say to that though because it’s not as if he’s wrong. He’s fucking right and it burns me that he is. It fucking punches me in the gut, making my muscles clench in pain.
Good. I deserve it. I gave her pain, didn’t I? In more ways than one. It’s like everything she was afraid of—the world finding out, the family getting involved, secrets getting discovered—came true inone. Single. Blow.
“I am going to ask you one time, yeah?” Conrad says, straightening up. “And you will tell me the truth. Did you take advantage of her? Did you force her in any way?”
I stiffen even more, if possible. But then again, the goddamn implication of his question would do that. It makes the other occupants of the room stiffen too. Ledger, who’s leaning against the adjacent wall, in much the same way as me. Stellan, sitting at the edge of the bed, in much the same way as Conrad. And Reed, standing by the window, ankles crossed, his thumbs tucked in his jean pockets. All of them go alert at Conrad’s question and I grit my teeth. Then, “Is that what you think about me?”
Again, not that he’s wrong. I have taken advantage of her. But not in the way he’s implying.
He shakes his head then, frustration passing through his harsh features. “I don’t know what to fucking think about you anymore. I’ve tried to talk to you. I’ve tried to understand, give you chances, give you a hand if you need it. But you keep refusing me every single time. And I get that. Asking for help is hard. You’ve never had to ask for it. In fact, you have beenourhelp all through these years. You’ve been our rock, the only one who never stumbled. The only one who always stood tall and firm while all of us made mistakes and fucked up things. But fuck it, Shep, you’re my little brother, all right? I care about you. I love you. I want to help you. I want to be there for you. Let me fucking be there for you. Let us all fucking be there for you.”
He's right, isn’t he? I’ve been there for him, for all of them because I thought that was my job, mypurposein life. But then they all moved on and I became so purposeless. So empty. So… But that’s not the point. The point is for some reason, I never thought I could ask for help. I never thought I could stumble because if I did too, who was going to catch them. I love my family and I would do anything for them but somehow, I forgot I have to let them do things for me too.
And if not for her, I never would’ve understood this. I never would be saying my next words so openly, sotruthfully. “I don’t love her. I never did.”
Conrad sits up even straighter if possible, but I look away from him and address Stellan, who’s watching me carefully. The other half of my soul. The one person I should be able to share anything with but I don’t. I never have. I’m going to change that too. First, he kept his distance from me for his reasons, then I pushed him away for mine. But I’m done doing that. I’m done letting him do that too. And it starts here. “I never congratulated you and that’s my fault. So here,”—I jerk my chin at him—“Congratulations. I hope you both are always happy and I mean that. Once this mess is all over, I’d love to go out for a beer.” Then, “Actually, maybe our girls would like to go out for drinks together too.”
Stellan watches me for a few beats, his eyes—identical to mine—studying me with speculation. He’s the only one who knows about her or rather knows there might be something brewing between us for a long time and like I asked him to, he’skept his mouth shut about it. He’s a good brother. I know he doesn’t believe that but I’ll make him believe it.
Then, with twitching lips, he goes, “Your girl.”
My chest goes tight, and I say with all the conviction in the world. “My girl.”
Stellan’s lips stretch into a smile. “You love her.”
Only and forever her. She’s my first and my last, and everything in between. Before I can answer my twin though, Ledger interrupts, “Wait a fucking second, youloveher. As in, our stepsister.”
“She may be your stepsister but not mine.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “I mean, I knew something was up the night you laid down your claim on her like a neanderthal but… I didn’t realize you fell in love with her. When did that happen?”
A long time ago but he doesn’t need to know that. I take a deep breath and address the room at large, looking at each of my brothers one by one, even Reed. Who’s not technically my brother but has become like one over the past couple of years he’s been with Callie.
“Look, there’s a ton of stuff you don’t get about me. There’s a ton of stuff I didn’t get about myself. Not until…”
Stellan helps me. “Her.”
Swallowing, I nod. “I fucked up, okay? On so many levels…” They don’t even know how many but I simply shake my head and continue, “I should have been more careful about our surroundings. About where we were but I… That was private, that moment. That was just meant for me and for her. Forus. For… But I lost my head. I should’ve…”
