My chest heaves. “Ifell in love with you?”
His chest follows mine and shudders as well as he lowers his hand and accuses, “Yes, you did.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“You fell in love with me too.”
My words come out as an accusation as well that hit him the center of his chest. And for some reason, I’m once again reminded of that soccer ball he used to shatter my window, to break all the barriers and get to me. I can’t kick a ball around. I’m not a soccer superstar like him but I have to find a way tobreak this barrier between us. I have to because I don’t want to do this. I don’t want us to fight. I don’t want us to argue or accuse each other of falling in love with each other when it’s supposed to be a good thing.
When it’s the culmination of both our dreams.
“You love me too,” I whisper, my throat full of emotions and my eyes stinging.
And he flinches. His eyes flare a bit and a tremor passes through his body, making me think once again that my words hit him in the center of his being. And I can’t resist any longer. I can’t take this distance between us so I close the gap and press my body to his. He’s all still and hard but I hold on. Grabbing the sides of his t-shirt, I say, my voice still wobbly with emotion, “You don’t love her. Not anymore. You love me. You do, Shepard. You… All the things that you do. The way you get all jealous and agitated when you see another guy coming close to me. The way you take care of me, think of all the little things to make my life easier. The way youmissme. I thought you did those things because we have a connection, and we do.God, we do. But our connection is so much deeper than I thought, Shepard. And… And the fact that you want me to have yourbaby…”
At this, he flinches, his abs flexing and I press myself into him even harder. “I thought you wanted that because you were lonely. Your family’s moved on. All your siblings have a family of their own, apersonof their own. And then, your person chose someone else and… So I thought you were acting out of pain and heartbreak, but you weren’t. You were acting out of love. You wantedmeto have your baby, youwantme to have your baby, just me and no one else, because you loveme. I don’t know when it happened but somewhere along the way you fell in love with me. And I know this is hard for you to hear. I know that.
“Iknowyou think love is poison and toxic and it hurts. And yes, it does. But it feels good too. It feels so,sogood when you’re in love with the right person. And please just let me show you, okay? Just… Let me show you how good it feels. How good it feels tofeel, Shepard. I know you’re used to burying things and numbing yourself to everything, and I know you do it for your family and while that’s the most noble thing anyone can do for the people they love, I want you to know you don’t have to do that anymore. Not with me. I’m yours, Shepard. Every inch of me, remember? Everysingleinch. I belong to you in every way possible. I’ll take you however you come. Good and bad and angry and biting,loving. Because that’s what you are. You’re loving. You’remadeof love. Every single inch of you is made of love and I know that because I’ve felt it. And please know, you are safe with me. Your emotions are safe with me. Just please let me show you how much, okay? Just… Let me in and let me love you and let me show you how good it all can be.Please.”
By the time I’m done, I am breathing so hard that instead of giving him any support, I’m probably using him as one. I should probably calm down. Check my emotions, take control of them so I can givehimstrength. Because no matter how strong his body feels, like a tree, a mountain, a freaking house made of stone and bricks, I know he must be going to pieces on the inside. No matter how impassive his features look and clear his dark eyes appear, he must be falling apart.
I open my mouth to say something, to tell him we should talk about it. His least favorite thing to do but we need to, if we’re going to navigate this together. But maybe he senses that’s what’s coming because suddenly, my hands aren’t gripping his t-shirt because he’s pried them away and I’m not pressed into his body anymore. Suddenly, my body is away from his because he’s pushed me back from him. And while I contend with that,with trembling knees and a spinning world, he’s already striding across the room.
I turn around and call out, “What are you doing?”
He doesn’t answer as he stalks to the door and I rush toward him. I grab the back of his t-shirt just as he’s pulling the handle and stop him. I pull at the fabric, trying to get him away from the door but he doesn’t budge. Standing at his side, I look up at him, at his still impassive profile. “Where are you going? We need to talk about this. I know you hate talking but?—”
Finally, he looks down at me, his eyes narrowed. “Yeah, you know everything, don’t you.”
I want to flinch and maybe on the inside, I do jerk but on the outside, I keep my eyes firmly planted on his intimidating form. “Yes, I do. So you need to?—”
“What you need to do is get the fuck away from me.”
“No,” I state, twisting my grip in his t-shirt. “I won’t. I won’t let you ruin this. I won’t?—”
“It’s already ruined,” he says, his eyes harsh as he reaches down to shake my hold off. “Just stay away from me.”
I don’t know what it is that makes me stumble back because it’s not as if he hasn’t gripped me painfully tight before or hurt me with his words before. But something in his demeanor right about now compels me to move back. It seems so…final. Like it had the night he came to the club with the intention of exacting his revenge. But somehow this is worse because last time it was my lie that shattered everything but this time it’s his truth that I’ve forced him to see.
And where do you go from there? There’s nothing beyond the truth. No hiding from it. No sugar coating. No turning it around and making it something else. Truth is wrecking. Maybe even more than love.
I watch his long fingers clutching the handle and pulling it down and I say, “I won’t be here when you come back.”
And I mean it. This time, I absolutely fucking mean it. But either he doesn’t get it or doesn’t care about it, because after an initial pause on his part and a tight flex of those fingers I’m still watching, he breaks into action again. He opens the door and walks out of it, slamming it behind him. Hard.
Part III
Chapter Thirty-Two
THE WRECKING THORN
My name isShepard Thorne and I’m in love with a girl named Jupiter Jones.
She has hair the color of strawberries and she has cinnamon-colored freckles scattered like stardust all over her creamy skin. She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen but more than that she’s the bravest girl I’ve ever met. She can work multiple jobs and take care of her sister singlehandedly. She can make any house a home, even the one fraught with bad memories and laced with tragedy. She can cut through the poison of any toxic snake or an asshole.
But most of all, she can kill you with only a few words, wreck you to pieces, make you fall apart, all so you can be born again. So you can bemadeagain. Into something that she deserves. That is worthy of her rather than a coward and a liar like me.
