‘Honey, we both know you’re a massive weirdo.’
‘Takes one to know one, my dear.’
Crash.
I jumped, sloshing the dregs of my no-longer-hothot chocolate down the front of my t-shirt. Well, Joe’s t-shirt. One of his old ones that I liked to wear to bed, the material soft and familiar against my skin.
‘Ow, what the—?’ came the muffled protests of whoever had just tried to let themselves into the flat. I’d taken to locking the door whenever I was alone, not wanting Mum or Matt to silently appear and find me talking to Joe. The few seconds it would take them to wiggle their key in the lock was all the warning I needed to avoid averyawkward conversation I did not want to have.
Rat-a-tat-tat.
‘Jenny, it’s me. Open up,’ came Alice’s voice through the door.
I pressed the mute button on the remote, turning towards Joe with a conspiratorial finger to my lips. Maybe they’d think we weren’t home. ThatIwasn’t home. But my stomach did that weird flip-flop thing when I saw the scratchy patchwork quilt was empty. The material pulled taut in a way that seemed to screamno one was sitting here, you are alone. My heart sank.
‘Jenny, we know you’re in there. Your mum said you haven’t left the flat all day.’
I rolled my eyes with a sigh, trying to fix my face into something that resembled less of a smacked arse as I opened the door. Alice and Jacob were crammed into the narrow stairwell, Jacob two stairs below Alice, who was busy rubbing her shoulder with a pained look on her face.
‘What are you guys doing here?’ I added a smile to try and soften the accusatory tone of my voice. I saw Alice’s gaze linger over my t-shirt, her lips pressed tightly together as though she were physically trying to restrain herself from passing comment.
‘You didn’t think we’d forget what day it was, did you?’ Alice raised a palm to her chest in mock offence, her dimpled smile somewhat ruining the act.
Today was 19thApril. The dayThe Simpsonsfirst appeared on TV. The day the American Revolution started. But most importantly, it was the day Joe was born. The day he would have turned 30. A calendar reminder had pinged up on my phone at 8 a.m. this morning – complete with accompanying party hat emoji and two clinking champagne flutes that once upon a happier time I’d spent way too long selecting – like a punch to the stomach. I hadn’t forgotten, of course, but time passes differently for the heartbroken. It moves to a different rhythm, dragging and skipping backwards like a broken record, forcing you to relive the past on repeat, making you believe that moving forward is impossible.
‘We brought the essentials!’ Jacob brandished a bottle of rosé in one hand and two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s in the other. My heart swelled for my best friends, beyond grateful to them for showing up and not allowing me to endure this day alone; but also twinged with sadness at the thought of no longer spending it with Joe. This constant feeling of being torn between the past and the present was exhausting, and either way I felt like I was missing out.
‘Can we come in?’ Alice frowned questioningly at the still half-closed door, my fingers firmly gripping the handle. I hesitated for a second, only a second, before pulling it wide open.
‘Sure, yes, come in.’
‘Did we hear you talking to someone just now?’ Jacob asked,disappearing into the kitchen and coming back with three wine glasses and three spoons.
‘What? No, must have been the TV,’ I said, gesturing vaguely in the direction of the muted television and immediately wishing I hadn’t. Thankfully one look was all it took for Jacob to recognise his favourite show, his attention swiftly diverted.
‘Oh my god, have you seen the episode yet where Tracey lobs a prawn at Harrison during the dinner party?’ Jacob squealed with delight, plonking himself down in Joe’s spot and peeling the lid off one of the tubs of ice-cream. Alice, on the other hand, was not so easily distracted.
‘Do you have company?’ she asked, inclining her head towards the two mugs on the coffee table. My eyes flitted to Joe’s hot chocolate, only just realising that I must have made him one too out of habit. It was still full, a cold skin wrinkled across the top.
‘Nope.’ My gaze roamed guiltily around the room, like I was half expecting Joe to appear at any moment. I stared at the empty doorway until I saw Alice watching me, her eyes narrowed.
‘OK, what is going on here, Jenny?’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked innocently, busying myself with some unnecessary plumping of the sofa cushions.
‘Something is up. You’ve had this mysterious, sneaking-around act going on for months now,’ she said, flapping her hand in my general direction as though proving her point. ‘Have you met someone new and you’re afraid to tell us, is that it?’
‘What?!Of course not!’ I spluttered, furious at the implication that Joe was somehow replaceable.
‘It’s OK if you have, Jenny. In fact, it’s perfectly natural,’ Alice insisted, her voice doing that soft, cajoling thing people do when trying to convince you of something.Natural?There was nothing natural about the prospect of me dating someone whowasn’t Joe. About thinking that I could find even a fraction of what he and I’d had together with someone else. In fact, it was almost – laughable. A giggle escaped between my lips before I could stop it, and I watched as Alice and Jacob shared a concerned look. Alice nodded her head in my direction, giving Jacob a stern eyeballing until he turned off the TV.
‘Jenny, you know you can tell us anything, right? We’re not going to judge,’ he said encouragingly. ‘Unless you’re dating someone who doesn’t like Beyoncé, in which case I cannot be held responsible for my actions.’ I knew he was joking, trying to lighten the awkward atmosphere in the room, but anger flooded through my veins, hot and fiery.
‘I amnotseeing anyone,’ I insisted through clenched teeth, but as I spoke, all the fight seemed to drain out of me and I slumped on the sofa next to Jacob. I was exhausted. Tired of feeling like I was living a double life. Of carrying this huge secret around with me, the weight of it growing heavier every day. Would it be so bad if I told them?
Yes, it would. They’ll probably check you straight into the psychiatric ward.
But they were my best friends. Surely they’d understand?
