I turned and gave Joe a look. He was in the passenger seat, head turned against the headrest as he glanced amusedly in my direction.
‘Aren’t you even the least bit curious?’ he asked when I continued staring silently into my lap.
‘Why would I be curious?’
‘About how much I’m worth.’
I winced, my breath sucking sharply between my teeth as a pain shot through my chest like broken glass. My fingers were gripping the edge of the envelope so hard that it was starting to crumple, the once-smooth paper as furrowed and creased as my brow.
‘Well,I’mcurious,’ Joe continued, undeterred by my silence. ‘Personally, I’m going to be disappointed if it’s anything less than £100k. I mean look at me, I’m an absolute specimen.’
‘Will you just – stop!’ I pleaded, my voice a lot louder than I’d intended as it echoed around the car. We sat in silence for a moment, the faint hum of activity from inside the pub growing momentarily louder as the door swung open and two men came out, disappearing off down the street.
‘Sorry,’ Joe said after a while, the joking nonchalance act firmly dropped. His right hand reached out across the centre console, palm face up by means of an invitation, like he always used to do on long drives. My left hand reached out automatically and, as I closed my eyes, I swear I could feel the warmth of his hand in mine, our fingers neatly interlocking as though they were made for that very purpose. ‘I’m sorry I’ve left you to deal with all this, Jenny. I guess I just want to know that you’ll be OK, that you’ll be – comfortable, you know?’
I smiled weakly. That was so Joe. Always making sure everyone else was looked after, without any thought for himself.
‘It makes no difference how much it is,’ I insisted, slipping my finger beneath the flap of the envelope and tearing a jagged line across the top. ‘It’s not like I’m going to cash it.’
‘Hey, it’s yours to do whatever you want with – cash it, don’t cash it, use it as a coaster for all I care. It’s up to you .?.?. holy cow, that’s a lot of zeros!’ Joe let out a low whistle as I stared at the cheque in front of me. So, this was it. The amount that Joe’s life was supposedly worth. It was a lot of money. More than I could earn in ten years on my current salary. But it wasn’t enough. Joe’s life was worth so much more than any number they could write on a stupid cheque. Tears of frustration prickled on my lash line, hot and fiery as my hand tightened into a fist around the paper. My other hand lingered on the door handle. I was stalling, putting off going inside because I knew as soon as I setfoot in the pub Joe would disappear, at least until I was in the solitude of my bedroom, and the prospect of even a few minutes without him by my side made every inch of me ache.
‘You got this,’ Joe said with a level of confidence I’d never possessed.
I watched the yellow flashing lights illuminate the empty passenger seat as I finally exited the car, clicking the lock button on my key fob. It was a Thursday night, which meant the pub was fairly quiet, a few regulars perched on the leather-studded bar stools, a couple trying their hands at darts in the corner. But that was it. There wasn’t even anyone behind the bar. Perhaps they’d gone to change a keg. I didn’t pause to question it, slipping gratefully around the unmanned bar and down the narrow hallway that led to the flat. I was two steps up when the door opposite the staircase opened, a great roaring cheer prompting me to turn around. Mum was stood in the doorway, a great beaming smile on her face, her cheeks flushed in that way that told me she’d had a glass of wine. Or two. But when she saw me, her smile faded almost as quickly as she pulled the door shut behind her.
‘Jenny. You’re home early, love. I thought you were going round to Jacob’s tonight?’ She was talking a bit too fast, her hand still firmly grasping the door handle behind her back.
‘Ah, no, something else came up.’ I shrugged, having neither the energy nor the desire to get into the whole life insurance thing right now. ‘What’s going on in there?’
‘Where?’
‘The function room you just came out of?’
‘Oh, nothing.’ She ruffled her fingers roughly through her freshly dyed hair, something shimmering in the dim hallway lighting. Was that confetti?
‘Mum, we need more champagne!’ came Matt’s muffled voice. A panicked look flashed across Mum’s face as her eyesflipped frantically between me and the door, her grip on the doorknob tightening. ‘And not that cheap prosecco. The good stuff you keep in the cellar for special occasions. It’s not every day your son gets engaged!’ The door swung inwards, almost taking Mum with it, to reveal a grinning Matt stood with his arms raised as the small crowd behind him gave a whooping cheer. TheCongratulationsbunting that Mum rolled out for every passed driving test and exam results day since we were little hung between two picture frames on the back wall. A giant ring-shaped balloon floated aimlessly in the corner.
‘You’re engaged?’ I croaked.
The look on Matt’s face told me that he hadn’t been expecting me, either. His shoulders shimmered with the same confetti that adorned Mum’s centre parting.
‘Ah, yeah,’ he mumbled, rubbing the back of his head uncomfortably. Both he and Mum were looking at me like I was a bomb about to explode. I guess I couldn’t blame them: inside, it felt as if one already had.
‘Cheer up, it’s not a death sentence,’ I laughed, punching him jovially on the shoulder. I hoped the smile I’d plastered on my face looked more convincing than it felt. Matt grinned, his shoulders relaxing an inch or two as he pulled me in for a one-armed hug. ‘Congrats, Matt, I’m so happy for you. For both of you,’ I whispered into the fabric of his shirt, holding on for a second longer than necessary as I blinked away my tears. I spied Alyssa, Matt’s long-term girlfriend, laughing with a group of friends in the room behind, her left hand outstretched as they all ooh-ed and aah-ed over the ring glinting on her finger. That was me not too long ago. In that very room, with Joe, celebrating our own engagement. The fake promise of a lifetime together stretching out before us.
‘I’m, umm, just going to get changed, and then I’ll join you,’ I said, clearing my throat as we broke apart, the smile firmly backin place.
‘Are you sure?’ Matt asked, exchanging another look with Mum. ‘You don’t have to—’
‘Yep, be right down,’ I called over my shoulder, already halfway up the stairs, my grip tightening around the strap of my handbag. I ran along the hallway, not stopping until I was in my room, the door firmly shut behind me. Only then did I let the tears fall. Big, ugly, heavy sobs that shook my whole body as I slid down the back of the door, collapsing in a heap on the carpet.
‘You’re still wearing your ring?’ I turned to see Joe sat cross-legged beside me, watching me twirl the platinum band round and round my finger.
‘I’m not ready to take it off just yet,’ I sniffed, hugging my knees to my chest and rocking gently back and forth. Who was I kidding? I’d never be ready.
‘What can I do?’ Joe pleaded softly, the sadness in his eyes sending another waterfall of tears cascading down my face. Everything else seemed to disappear: the insurance envelope peeking out the top of my overturned handbag; the fadedTop of the Popsposters of 90s boy bands; the piles of moving boxes. It was just him and me. Side by side. How we were always meant to be.
I smiled, weakly. ‘You’re already doing it.’
