After watching the two of them for a while, I snuck out of the living room and made my way upstairs.It was a long day and I had so much to be thankful for.I wanted to take the chance to write my thoughts down before they got jumbled into the back of my mind.With my pen in my hand, I settled into my reading chair and got ready to write:
Dear Lee,
It’s been fifteen years and yet not a minute goes by that I’m not thinking about you or remembering something about you.Today was no different than any other day in that respect but in so many ways, it was harder.Our son is becoming you more and more every day and I don’t want to say it hurts me that he looks just like you, but he does, and it does.I can see you in the way his eyes sparkle, in the way he smirks mischievously, when he’s forgotten something and immediately says “Don’t be mad” and in the way he looks at Carrie the way you used to look at me.
You missed his first homecoming.You missed it when he came home reeling from the excitement of making Varsity.You missed his fifteenth birthday where he blew out the candle and wished for you.I wanted so bad to be able to grant that wish for him.He doesn’t know that I know he wishes you would magically come back to life for one day on his birthday every year.And he doesn’t know that I wish magic were real just so this could happen.
I know you would be proud of him if you were here.I know you would be excited to start teaching him how to drive when he gets his learners permit this summer instead of letting my lead-foot teach him!I know you would be here with us if you could.
I’ve tried to move on from you, Lee.I’ve really tried but I just can’t, and I’ve accepted that.You’re not coming back to me, but I can’t give my heart to someone else when you’ve taken it away with you.
It's been fifteen years, so many hundreds of days
Since you squeezed your hand in mine
And I miss you in countless ways
I’ll never find a love like that again
Love Always,
Ellie
I closed my journal and put it back in my dresser drawer.One day, I’ll turn all these letters into a book and maybe, just maybe, our words will inspire a love story to bloom where it was never meant to be planted.
Chapter Thirty-Three
LEE
Present Day
I found myself in a crowded bar on karaoke night, with a few too many drinks in me.I had been traveling for meetings for the last month and now that I’m home for a while, I met up with a few guys from my old troop and the drinks got to drinking.
It was just something I had written down over the years, but it came out while I was sitting at the table with the guys.Everything was quiet in between sets from the band, and I was thinking about the words in my head; I didn’t realize at first that I started to say them out loud.It started with a low whisper that I kind of talked and sang through …
“In the depths of my mind, it's just her and I,
Something so natural, I can't tell you why.
I let the moments slip, didn't take a leap,
Now I'm haunted by the promises I couldn't keep.
Thought she'd have flown away, found a brand new start,
But in my heart, she's still the beating part.
I never reached out, never said goodbye,
Now I'm left wondering why, oh why.”
When I looked up from my glass of whiskey and saw everyone was looking at me.I just let it go and belted it out.Around the second verse, someone started playing a guitar and the melody flowed out of me like I had been holding onto it for years, because I kind of had been.
“She’s like a song
That’s playing on, forever on repeat.
And I can still feel her here,
