Arkansas is a long way from Florida,I thought to myself, sitting back in my computer chair.There’s no way he has any idea I’m still alive.
It’s 9’oclock and I’m beat.I decided to take a shower and call it a night.Tomorrow, a new day awaits; and it’s Wednesday, so I plan to meet up with Dane and catch up on the last year.
I tried to sleep but sleep just wouldn’t come and I lay there awake, with dry eyes and a beating drum in my head.For months, the failures to rescue have lingered in my mind like a relentless weight on my conscience.I was hoping that once I got home, away from the constant noise of gunshots and bombs dropping, that the haunting images of those we couldn't save would disappear, but so far, it doesn’t seem to be working.Whenever I can’t sleep, writing to Ellie calms me.Even without knowing I’m alive, she still grounds me and fills the void with her silent presence; it’s like a comforting embrace to my restlessness.
Dear Ellie Belly,
I don’t know how just writing your name and pretending to talk to you calms me, but it does.Whenever I can’t fall asleep, I picture you lying next to me, curled up in my arms, a smile playing on your lips while you sleep peacefully.It reminds me of the first night you fell asleep in my arms.I never told you, but I stayed awake and watched you sleep for hours that night.I was afraid that if I closed my eyes, you would somehow disappear.Did you know you make sounds in your sleep?It’s the cutest thing, actually, little squeaks and soft moans.
I found my eyes getting heavy, but I wanted to finish writing out my thoughts.
If I ever get through this twenty year protection program, Ellie, I swear I will find you.And if I find you and you’re married to someone else, I won’t leave you until you tell me you don’t want me.My life is empty without you, I’m living in an apartment with almost no furniture and zero soul.We’ll still have time to build a life together, I promise.Wait for me, Ellie, please!
Love Always,
Lee
I fell into a deep sleep after that, and I didn’t wake up until 8:30 the next morning.I didn’t set my alarm because I’m off duty for three weeks and I don’t have anything pressing on my to do list, but I woke up refreshed and itching to take a drive.Dane wouldn’t be meeting me at the bar until this evening, so that leaves me with at least eight hours to drive up the coast and let the wind take me away.
The drive was great; I took the scenic route through the rocky coastline and stopped at an overlook area.The waves crashed against the rocks down below and the sound brought me back to California.I leaned back against my car and breathed in the salty air, soaking in the sun that beat down against me, warming my skin.I haven’t enjoyed a day off like this in, I don’t even know how long.It was nice to just be a regular guy for once.Before getting back into my car, I took one more look out at the ocean, and thoughtone day, I’ll bring Ellie out here to see this view with me.
I got back in town just in time to take a quick shower before meeting Dane at the bar.I walked in, seeing the place was already packed and looked around for my friend.My smile faded, though, as soon as I spotted Liz sitting at the bar.When she leaned forward to order her drink, Dane came into view right next to her.He turned and saw me, waving me over with a big smile plastered to his face.I walked over, slowly, trying to come up with a reason, an excuse, something to tell Liz about my being here.I stop just short of where they’re sitting and Liz jumps up, running over to me and hugs me.She pulls away and looks at me, then hugs me again.
“I’ve been waiting almost a whole year to see you.I can’t believe it.I can’t believe you’re here.I about killed Dane when he told me that he’d been hiding this secret from me for so long.Come on, sit, there’s so much to tell you!”Liz was talking so fast, I barely had time to think.I looked to Dane, and he could see the questions on my face but before he could say anything or explain, Liz started talking again.
“Okay, I know you’re wondering why on Earth I’m here when I’m not supposed to know anything.I promise on everything holy that Dane didn’t come out with this easily.I knew he was keeping something from me when he would disappear every Wednesday night, but I didn’t say anything until around ten months ago when he didn’t come home after his weekly bar night.I had installed a GPS app on his phone and after at least four or five unanswered calls, I looked up his location and found him in a random apartment just up the road from here.”She looked at Dane and he nodded for her to go on.“I interrogated him and searched the apartment for clues.He wouldn’t spill anything.I finally told him I was gonna file for an annulment if he wouldn’t tell me whose apartment it was.I didn’t believe him at first but oh my God, here you are!He made me swear not to say a word of this to anyone and I haven’t, I won’t, I promise!”She finished and took a long pull from her iced tea, staring at me.
I was speechless, standing there, looking back and forth between these two and then a glimmer caught my eye, causing my eyes to fall to her hand.Her hand, that was resting on her stomach, where a small round bump protruded from under her tank top.A smile spread across my face, and I reached over and grabbed them both, bringing them to me in a big bear hug.“A baby!?Oh, you guys, this is amazing, congratulations!!”
When I released them, Dane caught my eye and asked “So, you’re not pissed at me then?”
“No, I’m not pissed at you, man.”I slapped a hand on his back, “I couldn’t be happier.But I don’t think a bar is the best place for this lady at the moment.Why don’t we take this back to my place?”I suggested.They settled their tab with the bartender and followed me to my apartment in their car.
Back at my apartment, we all sat at my clown sized dining room table, and I went over everything that Dane had told Liz about my fake death and the rules of my protection program.I also showed them the article I read in the paper aboutBig Bossand his last known whereabouts.Because they hadn’t known any details about the people involved, this was a bit of a shock to them; they had assumed everyone was in prison by this point.I told them we had to be extra careful when we meet and make sure no one suspicious is watching us or following.The last thing I want is to drag them into the mess I started, especially with a baby on the way.
Liz jumped and grabbed Dane’s hand, placing it on her stomach.I watched them look at each other in awe of the life they created andGod I’m so jealous of them right now.I would give anything to be raising a family with Ellie, to see her pregnant and feel the baby move like this.
They see me watching them and apologize.I don’t want them to apologize.
This is life.
It’s a beautiful life.
It’s a life I want one day too.
Dane clears his throat and tells me he looked Ellie up for me while I was gone, like he said he would.But he shook his head, “Still nothing, man.She’s like a ghost.”He said.
“That or she just doesn’t like social media.”Liz added.“Some people just don’t like putting their lives out there for everyone and I feel like I remember her being kind of reserved, right?”I nodded in agreement, Liz was right, maybe Ellie just didn’t want everyone to know everything about her.This is good and bad, I think.Good because it’ll stop me from seeing anything that I may not want to see before I can go find her and bad because she may be living a full and happy life that I’m completely unaware of.
“I’m gonna find her as soon as my twenty years is up, guys.”I tell them.“And I don’t care if she’s with someone else or not, I won’t leave until I tell her everything and let her make the decision to be with me or not after that.”
“And we’ll stand by you until then.”Dane says.
“I do have one bit of news that I found in my search, though.”Liz says, wincing.“I’m just not sure if it’s anything you would care about.”
“What is it?”I ask, curious now.
In her search for anything about Ellie, she ended up finding out that Maggie moved to Virginia after she had a baby.A baby that was definitely not mine and had no chance of being mine.I already knew that Liz had friended Maggie on social media a while back, but she didn’t know that Maggie had moved to Virginia.She apparently works for a large hotel chain as their VP of Marketing and her social media presence is pretty big.Liz asked if I wanted her to reach out to Maggie to see if she happened to ever run into Ellie.I told her not to, that could only lead to trouble and if they did run into each other, I wouldn’t want to put Ellie through that without me being by her side.
