He slowly stopped us from swinging and grabbed my hand from my lap, wrapping his fingers around mine.His blue eyes pierced through the heaviness in my heart, and he brushed his lips softly and delicately against mine in the sweetest kiss that left me confused about where we stood after that conversation.
“Come on, it’s getting late, I’ll take you home.”
I was having second thoughts about my current situation; maybe I shouldn’t get too far into this thing with Justin if it’s just going to end up breaking me like Lee has.The whole point of Steff getting me together with him was to get over Lee and after tonight, I feel like I haven’t moved on at all – in fact, I’ve probably backstepped several feet and I wish that the last couple months never even happened.
That night, before I fell asleep, I wrote a quick note to Lee and dropped it in the mailbox the next morning and two weeks later, I got a letter back.I tore it open and took in his words as quickly as I could, devouring them with my eyes.
Dear Ellie,
I thought we weren’t supposed to talk to each other right now but I couldn’t let your letter go without writing you back.I know Steff told me to let you be, but you got me thinking about you again.How do you do that all the time?Hey I have a question for you … please answer it when you write me back.
What if one of these days I ask you to marry me and give you my name?
That’s all.Something to think about Ellie Belly.
Love Always,
Lee
“What if I ask you to marry me and give you my name?”The question played on repeat in my mind all afternoon and if I wasn’t already having second thoughts about Justin, this really did it.
I wrote back to him that night and told him that if he were to ask me to marry him, I would take his name in a heartbeat.
* * *
Over the next few weeks, Justin picked me up for school in the mornings on his way to work and we talked about his plans for the future; he didn’t want to stay in Virginia, he wanted to own his own business and had a goal of making his start-up happen by the time he was thirty.Sometimes, I think I’m drawn to him and other times, I think I’m drawn to his maturity; he obviously isn’t like the guys at school, and he’s nothing like Lee.But do I really like him or is he just a way to get over Lee?I’m not entirely sure what part he plays.
And then on a random Wednesday, we made plans to spend the morning together – I would skip school and he would go to work late.He brought me doughnuts and we laid in my room talking for an hour before he started to put his hand up my shirt and unclasp my bra.
“I think we’re ready for the next step, don’t you think?”he asked, cleverly removing my bra and pulling the straps down from under my tank and tossing it onto the floor.
He knows how to put the moves on.That was pretty good.
I kissed him to mask my nerves.I wasn’t sure that I wasready, but I was ready to get my first time done and over with.
Steff and I talked about this a lot over the last month.I told her I wanted to wait so that my first time would be all romantic with Lee one day.She told me the first time is not fun and it’s not romantic so it’s better to just let it happen so that the next time it’ll be more enjoyable.So that was my plan going into today and boy, was she right; the first time was absolutely not fun, and it, sure as heck, was not romantic.It started and ended fast, and it hurt – a lot.
As we lay in my bed, after he took my virginity and the pain was still searing through me, Justin looked over and noticed the string of coke can tabs hanging above my nightstand.
“What are those?”he asked, nodding at the wall.I smiled but then said, “They’re just a memory.”I didn’t want to tell him they were all the‘Ls’I pulled off my coke cans and collected them to remind me of Lee.It didn’t really seem appropriate when I just gave up a big part of myself to another guy.
I also didn’t realize I would feel sodifferentafter my first time.It was like I lost a piece of me, like I’m no longer that little girl who was nervous about her first kiss because now my innocence was gone.I immediately regretted giving that piece of my soul to Justin, but I kept a smile on my face until I walked him out the door and then I ran upstairs to rip the sheets off my bed and throw them in the washer.I took a shower and scrubbed my skin to remove any traces of him from my body, but it didn’t help because a piece of me walked out that door with him.
I let our relationship draw on for another two months because I knew he was leaving for college soon.But I made every excuse to not sleep with him again, and we said our goodbyes.We agreed we weren’t going to call each otherboyfriendorgirlfriendwhile he was gone.We promised to talk on the phone as much as possible but didn’t make any promises to stay true to one another and I wasn’t so naïve to believe that college wasn’t going to introduce him to a whole new world of girls; girls that were more his age and probably better for him anyways.
* * *
As my junior year went on, I was starting to get sad and hoping the school year wouldn’t come to an end because it meant that Steff was moving out and going back to California.She didn’t like living in Virginia and couldn’t adjust to the different culture out here in small town living; she wanted excitement and nightlife, and I was going to miss her a lot.My friends had become her friends, and we threw her a big send off party the night before she packed up her car to drive across the country at the end of April.
Even though she wasn’t going to be sharing a room with me anymore, she said we would call every Sunday night to talk about the week and catch up.I looked forward to those calls even more every week because it was something to count on in my world where everything seemed to be changing; my friends were making college plans, and I had no idea what I wanted to do when I grew up.
She started talking about summer plans and asked if I thought my dad would allow me to spend the summer with her in California.
“I don’t know.Maybe you should ask him, it’ll sound better coming from you since he doesn’t seem to trust me right now.”I told her, hopeful and excited about the idea.
“Okay, can you give him the phone?I’ll ask him right now.”I brought the phone downstairs and handed it to my dad.
“Dad, Steff’s on the phone, she wants to ask you something.”He eyed me suspiciously and took the phone, holding it up to his ear.I stood by, hoping to catch his side of the conversation but he waved me away.
