Ninth grade was turning out to be harder than I thought it would be.I wasn’t doing too good in Geometry or Spanish class, and I struggled with my self-image.Last year, I stopped eating red meat to be healthier and this year, I stopped eating mostly everything and when I did eat, I would run upstairs to make myself throw it all up.
It became my thing.
Bulimia.
It kinda became me.
I hid it from everyone.Everyone except Lee.I told him about it in one of my letters and he begged me to stop when he wrote me back.He said I didn’t need to make myself throw up to be pretty, because I already was pretty.I re-read that letter a million times, tracing my fingers over his words, trying to make myself believe them.
Sometimes when I’m at school, I see all the girls that are cute and bubbly and naturally skinny and it makes me hate the way I look even more.I was not naturally skinny.In fact, I used to be the chubby girl until I hit a growth spurt and thinned out.And then it took a lot of work for me to maintain that size.I usually do a workout every night before bed and try to burn off any of the calories that I actually did consume that day.This cycle made it hard for me to believe any compliments given to me.
I had an especially rough day at school in early December and waited until after dinner to call him so that he would be just getting home from school.Because of the time difference, I always had to call him closer to the time I would head to bed.I dialed the number by memory and waited while it rang.
“Hello?”It was his mom.
“Hi Mrs.Combs, it’s Ellie.Can I talk to Lee, please?”
“Oh hi, Ellie!I’m sorry, Lee – he isn’t here right now.”She said.
“Oh, okay.Could you tell him I called then?”I asked, a little disappointed.
Before she could respond, I heard Lee’s dad in the background, he asked, “Does she know he has a girlfriend?She should know that.”
I pretended I didn’t hear that because Lee’s mom covered the phone and I could hear his little sister’s muffled response, “No, it’s not our place to tell her that.”
Then I could hear her hand uncover the phone and she said more clearly, “Of course I will sweetheart, I’ll let him know when he gets home.”
“Okay, thanks.Bye.”I hung up the phone and ran to the bathroom, throwing up bile, because that was all that was left in my stomach.
I didn’t hear from Lee for the rest of that month.I didn’t even try to call him on his birthday because he never called me back and it’s been three weeks since I sent my last letter to him.
* * *
Another Monday morning alarm woke me from my dreams in January.I actually could not stand the obnoxious beeping; I really need a new alarm clock.Maybe I should get one of those new ones that plays music when it sounds, only that probably wouldn’t get me out of bed.Ugh.It’s so cold, and I was really hoping we would have a snow day, but I couldn’t be that lucky since we have a test in math today.
I wanted to bury myself in my blankets and stay in bed all day, but my brother was actually being nice that morning and told me he had brewed a fresh pot of coffee for us before he headed out.He waved a steaming mug in my open doorway and then set it on the table just inside my room.I’m not really sure what’s gotten into him recently, he’s never this nice, especially not in the mornings, maybe he’s finally seeing someone.That would explain the recent change in his behavior.
* * *
In first period, I was sitting in science class, still trying to get functioning, when one of my friends passed me a note.I unfolded it and read it quickly while the teacher had his back turned, writing an assignment on the chalkboard.She told me her friend has been asking about me and wanted to know if she could introduce me to him between classes.I looked over to her and shrugged my shoulders saying “Sure.”
And a few minutes later, curiosity got me.As soon as I had the chance, I was asking her all the questions about this friend of hers.Is he cute?What’s his name?Do I know him?He’s not nerdy, is he?
The bell rang and Lucas was waiting at our class door when we walked into the hallway.
“Ellie, this is Lucas.”Gwen said pushing him toward me.“Bye now.”And she just left us there.
Awkward
“Hi.”I smiled at him.
“Hey.”
“So… I haven’t seen you around, are you in ninth grade?”I asked.
“Yeah.I just moved here before school started.Kinda don’t know too many people yet.”
“Oh.Where’d you move from?”
