“You want to ask me about it.”
“I – I do.” Glancing up at him, Amelia looked away again. “Though I will not if you would prefer I said nothing. This is not something that I require to know.”
There came a short silence and Amelia dared not look up at the Duke for fear of what she might see in his expression. Hearing a heavy sigh coming from him, she licked her lips and then took in a deep breath, ready to tell him that she ought not to have said a single word, only for the Duke of Ashbourne to begin to speak.
“I was a young man.” There was a sense of sadness in his voice now, a weight which had not been there before. “My friends and I were playing in the gardens of my father’s estate. Highcroft was present also, though I was doing my level best not to pay him much attention. After all, he was my younger brother and rather annoying to a young man such as myself.” He smiled ruefully, though nothing came into his eyes. “We were playing by the pond, crossing it by a large branch which had been placed there. Highcroft wished to join in and though we mocked and teased him, he insisted.” His voice cracked. “I did not see until it was too late that he had fallen in the water. When I tried to pull him out, his foot caught in the branch and I caused him more trauma. Thanks to God’s goodness, he revived but his leg and his body were not without injury. I caused that.”
Amelia closed her eyes, her breath hitching as she heard the pain in the Duke of Ashbourne’s voice. “I did not know.”
“I did not speak of it.” The Duke gave her a wry smile, his free hand reaching across to press hers as it rested on his arm. “I have not spoken of it to anyone for a long time. Only my mother and my brother are aware of the darkness which clings to me still.”
“But your brother does not seem to hold any anger towards you in that regard.”
The Duke smiled briefly. “No, he does not. He is very good in that regard.”
“Then why do you feel such darkness still? Why do you still struggle with a dark despondency?”
“Because,” the Duke replied, softly, “if I had taken better care of my brother, if I had looked after him, not mocked him, not teased him or ignored him then none of that would have taken place. He would not have the limp that ails him at present. None of what happened would have taken place! In that regard, I am the only one responsible for what happened to him. And I can see the consequences of my lack of care and consideration every day.”
Amelia smiled and then pressed her hand a little more on his arm. “But to linger in darkness, to linger in pain and in suffering is not what your brother wants, I am sure. Neither does your mother. So why do you insist on clinging to that?”
The Duke opened his mouth and then closed it again, his brows furrowing.
“Is that what has kept you back from everyone?” Amelia asked, when he did not respond. “You have shunned social gatherings because you are punishing yourself for what happened when you were children?”
A heavy breath escaped from the Duke and he nodded slowly. “I believe that I must be doing that, Amelia, though I have not seen it in that way before. In a way, I suppose that I believed that I did not deserve good company, that it would be better for everyone if I was not present. Now, however, I see that I did not consider for a moment that I was doing so in order to punish myself.”
“You told me that your dreams torment you at times,” Amelia remembered, seeing him nod. “Our encounter in the early hours of the morning back at your estate was such an occasion, yes?”
The Duke nodded, his lips curving ruefully. “Yes, that is so.”
“Then I must hope that there is some happiness here,” Amelia replied, softly. “That you will find a sense of contentment and even joy that will chase away the despondency within you. If your brother holds nothing against you and your mother does not either, then I can only pray that you will release yourself from the prison you have captured yourself in. I am sure, if you do that, you will find a greater happiness than you have ever experienced before.”
There came no response from the Duke of Ashbourne for some moments but, when he finally did speak with her, there was a quietness to his voice which Amelia had not heard before.
“Perhaps you are right, Amelia. Perhaps I should be looking to release myself from this now.” Finally, a smile spread right across his face, his expression gentling. “You are a blessing to me, I think.”
Warmth rushed up into her face, her cheeks aflame. “My only desire is to be of aid to you, Ashbourne.”
“You are, Lady Amelia,” came the soft reply. “More than you know.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Nathanial looked out of the window and drew in a deep breath, seeing the light morning sun dappling the leaves on the trees. There was such beauty in it that it quite stole his breath away… just as Lady Amelia had done the previous afternoon.
What she had said to him and what he had found himself telling her had brought a freedom with it that he had never expected. There was a kindness, an acceptance in her eyes that he had not expected to see and that sweetness had truly touched his heart.
It felt as though, for the very first time since William had endured his accident, he had taken in a deep breath that had filled his lungs completely, as though he had lost the chains which had wrapped around his chest for so many years.
I do care for her.
Nathanial waited for the panic, for the uncertainty and the confusion to fill him but though he waited for it, though he expected it to come, it did not do so. Instead, he found himself smiling, seeming to be glad that there was now this identifiable affection within him. He did not want to let Lady Amelia go and now, even though their courtship was meant only to be temporary, Nathanial had an intention to see where it might lead.
“Brother!”
Nathanial turned his head, only to hear the door crack back against the wall as William practically flung himself headlong into the room, his eyes wide and staring. “Highcroft?” Nathanial got to his feet at once, striding across the room to grasp his brother’s arm. “Whatever is the matter?”
“It – it is Lord Wilcox!” William stared back at him, his chest heaving as though he could barely believe what it was that he had to say to Nathanial. “He has placed a bet in Whites betting book.”
