‘Sorry, we had something of a volcanic eruption,’ I said, with an apologetic wince. It didn’t even smell that bad. Although I had already used half a packet of wipes, and Bob’s sleepsuit and cloth nappy lay discarded in a browny-yellow heap about three inches from the manager’s polished brogues.
‘Have you deliberately left exposed human faeces in a public thoroughfare?’ the man barked through the hanky. ‘Are you not aware that this constitutes a significant health and safety hazard?’
‘It’s not a public thoroughfare,’ Beckett said, furrowing his forehead. ‘It’s a private residence.’
‘One where an elderly, vulnerable male with multiple serious health conditions lives?’
‘Well, yes.’
‘And presumably he uses this corridor to access other…’ The man paused to gag. ‘Other essential areas in the home, such as the kitchen or bathroom facilities?’
‘Not while I’m changing a nappy,’ I said, doing my best to secure a fresh one around an increasingly disgruntled Bob.
‘But if he experienced the urgent need to empty his bladder, he has to run the risk of slipping in or tripping over a pile of human waste, resulting in potential cross-contamination, injury or at the very least an attack on his dignity.’
‘Please, come through to the kitchen,’ Beckett said, although his heart clearly wasn’t in it. ‘We can talk properly there. Mary doesn’t live here. This is a one-off situation. She would usually use the bathroom, but I’ve got a new bathchair in there waiting to be set up, so there isn’t space.’
‘I’ll remain here until the area has been disinfected.’
I did my best to hastily double bag the clothes and nappy, dispose of the wipes and then one-handedly clean the floor, side of the stairs and everywhere else I could think of with anti-bacterial spray while holding Bob, who wailed as though he’d been the one to slip in human waste and break his hip. Beckett stood helplessly watching, because this stranger now standing in his hallway and jabbing at a phone insisted they wait by the front door until the hazard had been correctly dealt with.
Needless to say, I was mortified, realising I could have ruined Beckett’s chance to secure another carer.
‘Right. After that delay, we’d better get straight to it.’ The man marched into the kitchen, where he carefully inspected a chair before sitting down.
Beckett gave me a surreptitious smile. My having cleaned the kitchen at least went some way to assuage my guilt for the nappy.
‘My name is Kenton Cumberworth the Third. Time of meeting, fourteen twelve. Present, Kenton Cumberworth the Third, Mr Beckett Bywater?—’
‘Doctor,’ I added, equally businesslike, keeping my eyes firmly away from Beckett.
‘You’re a medical professional?’ Kenton Cumberworth asked, mouth curling up in distaste as he glanced back at the hallway.
‘He is.’
‘And you are?’
‘Mary Whittington.’
‘The baby?’
‘What?’ I couldn’t help laughing. ‘You want to record the baby’s name in your meeting minutes?’
‘Unless you want to resituate him in another room. Which would be preferable.’
‘He doesn’t have an official registered name yet.’
‘Infant Whittington.’ Kenton Cumberworth rolled his eyes as if to say, ‘of course a woman with such appalling hygiene habits would leave it until the last minute to register her child’s birth’.
‘Now, may I stress, Dr Bywater, that my agency upholds the most stringent of standards at all times. If I’m sending my team into an alien working environment, I must be able to guarantee that it is sanitary. For example, food waste is securely disposed of, not left breeding bacteria on a worktop.’
‘That’s my lunch. I hadn’t finished eating it yet,’ I said. Because, of course, I was the culprit.
He ignored me. ‘All I’m asking is that the premises are clean. Is that achievable?’
Beckett sat back, arms folded. ‘Previous carers have incorporated cleaning tasks into their role. Washing up, vacuuming. It does state on your website that this is achievable.’
‘That would depend on the service user. Are you able to confirm that Mr Bywater is safe to be left unattended while my team member is cleaning up your mess, or are you paying for a two-person package?’
