I shook my head. ‘You say you didn’t want to punish me, but you banished the man I loved and then never even gave me the chance to see him, let alone to say goodbye.’
36
THEN
I had one exam left, and was down to counting the hours until this month would be over and we could have the extended summer break before starting sixth form. I’d ricocheted between exam rooms and last-minute cramming, trying to make up for all the revision sessions where I’d sat and daydreamed about the boy who was definitely avoiding me. My stress about whether I remembered the stages of cell reproduction or random quotes fromRomeo and Julietwas nothing compared to the churning torrent of anxiety caused by the situation with Jonah.
As a family, we’d had two more discussions about what we wanted to do, and it was officially unanimous – although, unofficially, I didn’t know whether to feel more terrified that Jonah would end up staying here with his siblings, or for some reason go. I tensed up every time I saw one of my parents, paranoid that they would bring up how I’d made Jonah feel uncomfortable, or that they were wondering whether I needed to talk about something, because they’d seen the way I looked at him…
Thankfully, Nicky was buried in her much more important exams, spending most evenings either in her room or studyingat a friend’s house. She barely even ate with us, so I didn’t have to face her sidelong glances every time Jonah spoke. Which was also rare. He’d taken to eating meals at weird times of day due to sleeping in and then staying up half the night. The snack synchronisation was a thing of the past. Mum and Dad let him get on with it, putting his disrupted schedule down to exam stress. I knew differently.
My parents had wanted to wait until exams were finished before talking to Jonah about adoption, but, with the court hearing approaching, there wasn’t time. They ended up taking him out for a burger one evening, leaving me and Nicky waiting at home. Unable to think about revising while such an important conversation was going on, we ended up in the living room with a film and a mountain of junk food.
‘What do you think he’s going to say?’ I asked, as Katherine Heigl tried on yet another of her twenty-seven bridesmaid’s dresses.
‘I don’t know.’ Nicky kept her eyes on the television. ‘It seems like a no-brainer, getting to live with his brother and sister, but it’s a big thing, choosing to become part of a whole new family. I could see him asking us to adopt Ellis and Billy, then opting to move into supported accommodation next year.’
‘Yeah. That would make sense.’ I tried to sound casual, even as part of me gripped onto this as a potentially perfect solution.
‘You know him better than I do,’ Nicky went on, grabbing another handful of popcorn. ‘What do you think?’
‘I mean—’ I rolled my eyes ‘—does anyone really know Jonah King?’
‘Well, I guess we’re about to find out,’ she said, pausing to listen as a car pulled into the driveway.
We both sat back, ultra chill, but no one came into the living room. Nicky stopped the film at the same second I stood up, fake chillness abandoned.
‘What happened?’ Nicky asked, finding Mum and Dad in the kitchen making a drink.
‘He was very appreciative,’ Dad said. ‘He told us he really loves living with us and knows Billy and Ellis would have a good home here, too.’
‘But?’
My heart was scrabbling up the back of my throat.
‘He wants us to apply to adopt the younger two, no matter what. But he’s still thinking about what he wants.’
‘Totally called it!’ Nicky crowed.
‘Really?’ Mum asked, sounding defeated. ‘Perhaps, then, you could shed some light on why he’s so torn?’
‘It’s the middle of exams,’ I stuttered. ‘He probably doesn’t want to make a massive decision like that right now. If you’d been through the kind of stuff he has, you’d want to be sure the next family you were part of were okay.’
‘Oh, we have raised a pair of wise young women.’ Dad sighed. ‘Of course he needs more time to build a bit of trust. The problem is, we don’t have more time.’
‘Talk to him again, after Thursday,’ I said.
‘Well, obviously not on Thursday.’ Mum plastered on her ‘fun foster mum’ face. ‘We’ve got the post-exams cake and karaoke! Aren’t Katie and Alicia coming?’
‘Oh, my friend Theo’s coming, too,’ Nicky said, with a casual flick of her hair that betrayed how much it really meant to her. ‘As afriend, before you start being weird about it.’
‘Are you going to sing him “You’re the One That I Want”?’ I asked, unable to resist.
‘I don’t know, maybe you should invite Carlos and we could do a duet?’ she snarked back before disappearing.
‘I know Jonah sometimes talks to you. If he says anything, will you let us know?’ Mum asked, handing me a coffee. ‘I don’tmean betraying his secrets. But if he thinks something that isn’t true, or is worried about something we can explain better?’
I shrugged. ‘He doesn’t really talk to me about anything like that. But yeah, I guess so.’
