‘Libby, you were the only person on this planet who knew the real me.’
There was a brief silence.
‘I would give anything to have the chance for us to get to know each other properly again.’
‘I have so many questions,’ I said, my voice trembling, because I was terrified and elated all at the same time. I still couldn’t quite believe that I was talking to Jonah, let alone talking about this. ‘But this all feels so much, so fast. It’s overwhelming.’
I couldn’t afford to get swept up in my attraction for Jonah again. I needed space and time to allow my head to stop spinning before things went too far.
‘I want to give you all the answers.’ I could hear him smiling back. ‘But however much I’m compelled to, we don’t need to rush. I have to persuade a group of school-phobic kids to try Shakespeare tomorrow, and I’ve met those Bloomers. You can’t face them after barely any sleep.’
I couldn’t help a small laugh. ‘I can’t recall the last time I had a good night’s sleep.’
That wasn’t true. The memory hit me with a sudden, vivid intensity that sparked a wave of longing so powerful I had to close my eyes.
‘Really? I remember you sleeping through two alarms and panicked pounding on my bedroom door.’
Of course he remembered, too.
‘Like I said, I’ve changed.’
‘How about just one question each tonight? You go first.’
‘Did you hate me, for being yet another person who’d ruined things for you?’ Once again, my words slipped out before I could consider them.
‘I told you, I never stopped loving you.’
‘I caught my husband cheating on me. I know how possible it is to love and hate someone at the same time.’
‘Then no. I was the one who ruined things. Not you. And what you gave me – that tiny shred of hope that I wasn’t the pointless freak I’d convinced myself I was. That someone like you could see something worth loving in me? Libby, you were the first person who made me want to survive, not for Ellis or Billy, but for me. You saved me.’
I suddenly felt as though I had more room to breathe, as something that had been lurking deep down inside me, a tight coil of guilt and sorrow, unfurled and slipped away.
‘Okay. My turn.’ Jonah took in a deep breath. ‘I mean, I was going to ask something like what’s your favourite film, or when did you set up the Baby Bloomers. But seeing as you set the tone… Did your parents ever forgive me?’
He might as well have reached down the phone line and punched me in the chest.
‘Honestly? They never spoke about it.’ I gripped the phone tighter. ‘But I’m not sure my mum ever got over you having to leave. Or that Ellis and Billy didn’t get to live with us, either. But if she blamed anyone, it was me.’
‘That doesn’t make sense. They made it clear they blamed the older bad-boy for leading their innocent daughter astray.’
‘That was in the heat of the moment. You know it’s not how foster carers really think. You were a vulnerable young person. I knew the rules and I definitely should have known better.’
‘Wow. So they decided you took advantage of me?’
‘Like I said, we never spoke about it.’
‘I really did screw everything up, didn’t I?’
‘Some might say the only way we screwed up was by getting caught.’
Another heavy silence.
‘I wasn’t ready for you. For us. I’d have destroyed things eventually, one way or another. All I’ve been able to hope in the years since is that getting caught up in my determination to destroy myself didn’t end up damaging you.’
I thought about my parents living separate lives. The postcards. My rushed marriage and inevitable divorce.
Two precious children. A charity that changed lives, helped families stay together against the odds, unlike my own.
