‘You were more of a child than me.’ One corner of his full mouth twisted up. ‘And you’re wrong. Those were the best months of my life.’ He looked up again, amber eyes gleaming.
For a long moment I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. It was simply me, and Jonah, and the all-consuming passion that had once burned between us, and had always remained an ember, nestled deep inside me, never once going fully out.
‘Either way, whatever happened…’ I had to stop and clear my embarrassingly raw throat ‘…Ellis is making her own choices now. All you can do is try to support her in making the right ones.’
‘Which she’s clearly not.’ He slumped against the back of the chair. ‘So what do I do?’
‘Be there for her. Provide decent meals when she’s home, a place to rest and space to think. Keep dragging her along to the classes and other appointments – something might get through to her at some point. Listen. Try not to judge. Or nag. Learn a whole heap of useful information this evening that you can pass on when the time comes.’
‘In your experience, what are the chances of her keeping this baby?’
I took another drink of tea while I considered how to answer that.
‘It depends upon how she reacts to being a mum. Some women completely turn things around once they’ve held their baby for the first time.’
‘Some don’t.’
‘Some don’t.’
‘What happens then? Will they take the baby into care?’
‘Again, every situation is different. There’s a whole load of help for parents who are struggling. They won’t remove a child simply because their mum smokes a few spliffs. You know that. But if mum can’t or won’t care for baby safely, they’ll try to identify a family member who can look after baby instead. Foster care or adoption is the last resort.’
Jonah’s expression was grim as he drained his mug. ‘We’d better get started, then.’
27
Around an hour later I could tell that Jonah’s brain was getting full. Other than the subject matter, it felt disconcertingly – intoxicatingly – as if we were back in one of our GCSE study sessions. The thrum of electricity, like a storm brewing. When I could focus on potential childbirth scenarios rather than how Jonah’s slender fingers still gripped his pen in the same way, or how the two furrows that appeared between his eyebrows when he was concentrating were that bit deeper, I noted how little Jonah knew about the topic of babies.
‘I’m deducing from all these questions and note-taking that you aren’t a dad.’
He quirked one eyebrow in response. ‘I told you, I’m single.’
‘So am I. I also have two kids.’
He nodded. ‘I always swore that if I ever became a father, I’d do whatever it took to be there, make it work with their mother. But I guess that’s another thing we can’t ultimately control.’
‘You can increase the odds, though. For example, by not marrying the first man who asks, because you’re scared of a future alone and think you don’t deserve anyone better.’
‘You didn’t love Brayden?’
Did I detect a glimmer of hope in his voice?
‘No, I did. Just not that much. And neither of us gave it time to see if that would be enough.’
‘You don’t think love’s enough?’ The forehead furrows were back.
‘Not when it’s about a momentary feeling rather than a conscious choice, day in, day out, whether we feel like it or not.’ I sat back, cradling my mug for moral support even though it went cold ages ago. ‘I was so mad about it, after Brayden cheated on me.’
‘He cheated?’
I rolled my eyes. ‘For over a year. He missed Isla’s birth because he was with his other woman.’
‘Idiot,’ Jonah muttered under his breath. Despite the toned-down language, the scowl on his face was so reminiscent of the boy I’d fallen in love with, it knocked me off guard.
‘Yeah, well,’ I went on, once I’d steadied myself, ‘I was just as bad. I grew up witnessing real love every day. My parents loved their foster kids with a devotion that was tough enough to withstand pretty much anything. I refused to question whether Brayden and I could share that kind of love. If he was even capable of it, let alone wanted it with me. Probably because deep down I already knew the answer.’ I paused to take a deep breath. ‘I loved you more than I loved Brayden, and it wasn’t enough. It was stupid to make promises about forever without knowing if we could keep them or not.’
Jonah was staring at me again.
