WHAT?
She sent me two more messages.
Ok, you absolutely have to come now
Hang on
I turned the volume up on the tedious game show I was pretending to watch and stuffed in another mouthful of crisps.
Miranda’s babysitter’s more than happy to do it. Roisin used to be a TA in Finn’s class so you probably know her. I’ll pick her up and see you in twenty.
Don’t worry about the ticket or babysitter, my treat
No, being forced out after what was one of the most unsettling, emotional weeks I’d had all year was not a treat.
Sorry but I’m going to have to pass. B’s girlfriend turned up at the park and told the kids she was pregnant. I’m not leaving them with a stranger this evening.
A split second later Nicky called me.
‘What the hell?’ she said, outraged on Finn and Isla’s behalf. ‘He hadn’t warned you first?’
‘Of course not. Apparently, I’m far too crap a mum to have a say. They’re his kids and he’ll tell them what he likes.’
‘Ugh. Just when I think he can’t get any worse. I’m so sorry. Are they really upset?’
I closed my eyes. ‘Still processing.’
They’d spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening chattering excitedly, wondering what the baby would be like and all the things they’d do together, so this wasn’t technically a lie. What I probably should have said was thatIwas really upset. About Dad’s date, the postcard, Brayden deciding to become father of the year. Jonah and Ellis. Courtney and Hazel… The realisation that I had zero life outside work, my kids and gatecrashing my dad’s dates.
As I said, majorly self-indulgent wallowing was in full swing.
For a fleeting moment I wondered about accepting the spare ticket and going out for the first time in longer than I cared to think about. The truth was, my kids were great sleepers who wouldn’t make a peep until morning. I’d met Roisin a few times. She was absolutely lovely, and Isla and Finn both knew her.
But then I thought about me going out with Nicky’s friends, who got up at the crack of dawn and jumped into lakes together, no doubt spending the rest of the week doing equally wholesome activities.
What did twenty-nine-year-old women even wear to a comedy club on a Saturday night? Probably not dungarees and a saggy T-shirt. Definitely not the pyjamas I was currently in.
Spending an evening with intimidatingly awesome women felt like something that would not help me feel any better right then.
‘Best if I give it a miss this time. I don’t know how long it’ll be before Isla’s settled. But thanks for asking. I hope you have a great night. Call me tomorrow and I’ll fill you in on Dad’s “friendly” lunch.’
For the first time in a very long time – thirteen years, in fact – I flat out lied to my sister.
14
THEN
I couldn’t sleep.
It was early April, the summer term had started and all anyone in Year 11 was supposed to be thinking about was our GCSE exams, beginning in five weeks and six days, according to Katie, who was counting down.
I’d made the obligatory revision timetable, stuck it up on the noticeboard above my desk and spent an hour sitting with my chemistry textbook open, staring at the same diagram of covalent bonds until the time was up.
I usually had no trouble finding the motivation to study. I was planning on doing A levels in science and maths next year, so I could apply for a midwifery degree. Katie and Alicia were mildly jealous that I’d known for years what I wanted to do, and, if I put in a reasonable amount of effort, would be able to do it.
These past few days, my concentration had been slipping.
Since the cinema, Jonah’s nods had progressed to that full-on-eye-contact hidden smile he did when passing me at school or in the kitchen. Speaking of which, we seemed to end up in the kitchen together a lot more often than we used to. Maybe the thud of his trainers going downstairs did occasionally promptme to notice I was thirsty. But equally often – yes, I was keeping a rough tally – he would appear after I’d been the one to head down for a snack. One day I found my library card in my jacket pocket, with a scrawled note: ‘thanks’.
