While my body might have been slow, my head flew along thought pathways and sped through worries as if it were competing in the Olympics.
I briefly considered the postcard, before dismissing it as far too vague and insubstantial to bother about yet. I fretted for maybe half a kilometre about Isla. She’d seemed slightly more settled this morning, until Finn had mentioned their fortnightly outing with Brayden the next day and she’d had a full-blown meltdown on the pavement outside school. I had no idea what to do about her reaction to seeing her dad, which seemed togrow increasingly fraught the older she got. Isla was struggling to relate to this man who took her to the park but showed no further interest in her life. A couple of weeks ago she’d asked Theo if he could be her daddy, and when he’d gently explained all the benefits of being an uncle, she’d settled on Finn taking on the role when he was older.
How obligated was I to force a relationship if it seemed to be more harmful than helpful? Was this a blip to work through, or a slippery slope? Wouldn’t a daughter benefit from having a father around if he was, underneath all the nonsense, a half-decent guy?
But then that thought, as I skirted the edge of a sweetcorn field, segued into Brayden having the audacity to turn up to my antenatal class without checking with me first and how on earth I was going to handle the next four weeks of him plus a post-birth reunion party. With gritted teeth, was about all I could come up with. After all, his baby deserved parents who were well equipped for the role as much as anyone. I decided I’d do it for Finn and Isla’s half-sibling, if not for my own sense of pride and proving to Brayden and Silva that I was totally cool about however my ex-husband treated this child compared to his others.
I spent a brief minute, while following a bridle path back towards the cottage, thinking about the Bloomers. I made a note to visit Daisy and check she wasn’t being bothered by Raz as well as following up with Courtney and Toby after Hazel’s unhelpful input, then moved on to the topic taking up by far the biggest space in my head.
Jonah.
And Ellis, of course.
I hoped the promise of a manicure would be enough to bring her back on Monday.
I wondered if Jonah would drop her off, which led to questions like when had he passed his driving test? Who’d paid for lessons? Where had he been living at the time? Did he work? Doing what?
Why was he here, and what on earth would that mean?
Would I ever sleep properly again, unless I found out everything?
The last two questions, the biggest ones, jostling about behind the others, only managed to worm their way to the front of my mind once I reached my back gate.
Had I ever stopped loving Jonah?
How did he feel about me?
A shower, late breakfast and two hours of strenuous cooking later, I still couldn’t stop thinking about it, so decided to distract myself with some real problems.
Firstly, I walked over to Daisy’s house and dropped off a pot of chilli. As well as caring for Daisy and Bolt, Lisa was currently fostering sisters aged two and three. When Daisy handed the dish to Lisa, she had to blink hard a few times before offering me a cup of tea.
I made Lisa and Daisy a much-needed lunch, then sat on their living-room rug playing one-handed with the girls while cuddling Bolt so both mums could rest for an hour.
After that, I whizzed over to Courtney and Toby’s house. It was two-thirty, Hazel was still at the hair salon and Toby’s brothers and sisters would be at school, so I was hoping to catch Courtney and baby Hazel alone.
It took several knocks before she answered the door. I would have given up if the television weren’t blaring.
‘Oh. It’s you.’
Courtney wore pink jogging bottoms and a grey sports bra, revealing an almost flat stomach. Her hair was perfectly straightened and she had on a full face of make-up.
‘Is it okay if I come in for a few minutes? I brought you some chilli.’
‘I’m going out soon. But the others can eat it.’
‘I’ll put it in the fridge.’ I nudged my way in, not waiting to be invited, and waded through the cluttered living room to find the kitchen in an even worse state.
The fridge was practically bare, so I left the dish on an empty shelf and turned on the kettle.
‘You’ve got time for a drink before you go? It feels like a while since we’ve had a proper catch-up.’
Courtney glanced at her phone, face pinched. ‘Sure.’
‘Where’s Hazel?’ I asked, rinsing out two mugs after failing to find any clean ones in the cupboards. I wasn’t normally so bossy and interfering, but I was genuinely worried about Courtney and could see that she wasn’t going to reveal anything easily.
‘At work.’
‘I meant baby Hazel,’ I said, my concern twitching. ‘Is she okay?’
