Marilyn sat back up again and turned towards me. ‘What? That’s ridiculous. You’ll learn to live with it, but you’ll never beover it. You’ll always miss him. Why are you always so hard on yourself?’
I frowned. ‘How long should it take to get over a minor broken heart? It wasn’t like we’d known each other that long. Compared to losing Sam…’
She screwed up her face in apology. ‘Oh, I’m sorry. I was talking about Sam. I thought you were missing Sam, and that’s why you were looking so sad. Sorry. I should have realised you meant Perry.’
My eyes widened in surprise. Marilyn peered at me.
‘Wait. You didn’t mean Perry. You weren’t sat here thinking about Perry. So who were…? Dylan!’ She gasped. ‘You were sat here in the corner like a loser, dreaming about Dylan! Pining for him! Perry was right – you’re in love with Dylan!’
‘Shh!’ I hissed. ‘Keep your voice down. Dylan was a good friend, and part of the choir. It’s only natural I’d be thinking about him for a couple of seconds tonight.’
A sly grin broke out across her face. ‘Have you spoken to him since the wedding?’
I shook my head. ‘You know I haven’t. He’s been on sabbatical. And I hardly think he wants to see me, given how I treated him after Sam went missing. And then the next time I saw him, he got punched in the face.’
‘Of course he wants to see you. He luuurves you. I think what he did after Sam went missing, despite the awful stuff you said to him, proves that.’
‘He went on holiday. What does that prove apart from that he wanted to get away from me?’
Marilyn gaped at me. ‘You don’t know.’
‘Don’t know what?’
‘I can’t believe nobody told you.’
‘Nobody told me what?’ I pushed her gently, but hard enough to convey my irritation.
‘He didn’t go on holiday.’
‘What?’
‘Faith.’ Marilyn took hold of my hand, deadly serious now. ‘He went to find Sam.’
Those words were like a bomb going off in my head. In the smoking aftermath, I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t think. My head filled with white noise. Marilyn appeared to be watching me, her forehead creased, from the other end of a tunnel.
‘He spent all those days looking, trawling through the worst sorts of places. Using all his contacts in the homeless shelters and the rehab centres to try to find someone who knew anything.’
She gave me time to let this sink in.
‘I can’t believe I didn’t know. Why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t he take me with him?’
‘He told Perry. He actually asked him for help. Perry told him you didn’t want to know where Sam was. You couldn’t cope with it.’
I might feel angry about that later. Right then, I was too overwhelmed about Dylan.
As the shock sank in, my throat closed up, my eyes burning. ‘Did he…?’
Marilyn nodded. ‘He found him in a squat in Nottingham. Near the Ice Arena.’
On that sofa in Northern Ireland, as my friends danced the ‘Macarena’ around me, I felt as though I lost my brother all over again. The pain crushing me almost double, I fumbled for my bag on the floor.
Marilyn reached down and picked it up. ‘What do you need?’
‘My phone. I need to speak to him. I need him to tell me everything. I have to apologise. And thank him. How can I thank him? He really went to find Sam?’ My tears were streaming onto my lap now, as sobs prevented me from saying anything more.Instead of handing me my phone, Marilyn put my bag to one side and simply hugged me, holding on tight until I began to steady my breathing again, and managed to stop making ugly, hitching noises.
Patting me on the back a few times, she drew away. ‘Okay?’
I closed my eyes, took another deep breath. ‘Nearly.’
