If I was, then tough. I’d no one to blame but myself.
* * *
To any casual onlooker, the build up to Friday evening might suggest it was going to be the event of the year at Chimney Cottage. I had to remind Arthur, yet again, as he trialled pesto chicken for the third time, that as far as Elsa was concerned, this was a meeting, not a date, using the example of Isaac to demonstrate that there was no guarantee Elsa would be leaving the cottage on Friday with the new status of Arthur Wood’s girlfriend.
‘Jessica, if you’re going to keep checking up on me then I must insist that you stop being so negative.’
It was now three o’clock on Friday, my day off, and I was going to give everything I’d got to help Arthur break his lifetime streak of never making it to a second date.
‘All I’m saying is that you don’t need to lay everything out there this evening. She doesn’t need to know that you’ve decided you’re soulmates. That’s a lot to put on someone so soon.’
‘What, she’d be better off thinking I’m some sort of Casanova, like Connie does about Isaac?’ He snorted, carefully laying a slice of salami on a plate.
‘What harm can it do to give her a chance to get to know you, first?’
‘Given that my inferno of love for Elsa currently infiltrates my every thought and decision, how can she possibly get to know me without knowing that?’
Fifteen minutes before Elsa was due to arrive, I couldn’t resist creeping down the stairs and slipping into the kitchen one last time on the pretext of getting a drink. As soon as I entered, it was clear that my advice to Arthur about making any verbal declarations was going to be irrelevant.
‘Do you normally do all this for a date?’ I asked, wondering if this was the reason Arthur never made it to a second.
He turned away from the oven door, his expression full-on smug. ‘It has been known. You don’t have the complete monopoly on dating prowess, you know.’
‘Okay, so how about for professional meeting prowess?’ I gestured at the worktops, the table,every single available surface.‘Does your dad sprinkle rose petals all over the office when you meet with suppliers, or business partners? Does he light candles and turn up the slow-dance playlist?’
‘He’s a happily married man!’ Arthur said, affronted. ‘He’s not trying to win the heart of his supplier.’
‘Plus, it would be completely unprofessional,’ I added, aware of the time ticking but working hard to keep my patience. ‘I told you Elsa won’t be impressed if she thinks you’ve tricked her into a romantic dinner.’
‘Tricked is a little harsh. I prefer the term, “surprised her with”.’ Arthur took a bottle of champagne out of the fridge and placed it in a cooler on the table, in between a giant candelabra and a vase full of red roses. It was clear even from where I stood by the door that the cooler was a plastic bucket wrapped in foil and the vase was a plastic drinks bottle with the top chopped off.
‘It’s only a surprise if it’s what she wants,’ I said, wincing as he swapped his apron for a jacket. ‘And we did chat about the outfit.’
‘If it’s a work meeting, as you keep insisting, then shouldn’t I dress for work?’
‘You only wear that dress coat and – no, please not the hat! – for funerals, not meetings.’
‘This is a funeral. The death and burial of my single status!’ He grinned, turning up the volume of ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’ on the Bluetooth speaker. ‘I don’t care what you think, Jessica. I’m not ending this night without a girlfriend. I didn’t practice pesto chicken three times for nothing!’
At that point we heard Penny scrabbling down the corridor, signalling that Arthur’s unsuspecting guest had arrived.
‘Ah. Here we go!’ Arthur adjusted his hat, tweaked his cravat until it was no longer straight and brushed off his pin-striped trousers, leaving a smear of flour dust. ‘Any last words of advice?’
‘So many I don’t know where to begin, but you’ve made it clear you’ll ignore them anyway. Just be yourself and I hope it works out like you think.’
I ducked into the living room while he opened the door, feeling that in my role as relationship coach it was my duty to at least earwig on their initial conversation.
‘Good evening, Elsa. Please come in.’
‘Hi Arthur. Have you just got in from work? You haven’t even had time to take your hat off. I hope I’m not too early.’
‘I’ve been on leave this afternoon. The outfit is for you. A woman such as yourself deserves the very best, in my opinion. Whatever others might think.’
I cringed against the door, bracing myself for her reply.
‘Well… goodness. That’s very flattering. I feel like a right scruff in comparison.’
‘Au contraire! My finest suit is incomparable to the radiance of your smile, and the brilliance of your eyes.’
