‘It’s perfect.’
He grinned.
I waited until we’d settled down with plates and mugs before I spoke again.
‘These past few days have been fantastic. Genuinely. And I was serious about wanting to… be more than friends.’
‘That’s good, considering the number of times you’ve kissed me since we got back.’
‘But, well. You don’t have to try so hard.’
He sat back, frowning. ‘What?’
Oh crap. How was I going to do this?
‘What I’m trying to say is… this is still very new. There’s this whole added layer of complications because we share a house, and I sort of work for you and you’re a Director of Damson Farm Retreats. A lot of people would say it’s disastrous to even think about adding the hassle of a relationship on top of that.’
‘I don’t consider being in a relationship with you a hassle. Is that how you see it?’
‘No! No. But I don’t expect us to seamlessly transition into being a romantic couple without any issues, either. Even normal couples have stuff to work out as they go.’
‘So why is me trying hard a problem?’ Daniel shook his head, as if baffled.
It took a moment to try to come up with the right words.
‘I don’t want us to add any unnecessary pressure, that’s all.’ I paused to rub my face. It would be a lot easier to convince Daniel of this nonsense if I believed it myself. ‘I guess I’m concerned we might rush this into being more serious than it is.’
‘So, what is it?’ Daniel’s voice was steady, but his eyes flashed with hurt. ‘Because from where I’m sitting, it was dinner, followed by a day out and a plate of cheese and crackers.’
‘And kissing.’
‘Are you saying you don’t want us to keep kissing?’
I want us to keep kissing so much my face aches. I want to keep kissing you for the rest of my life.
‘No! No. I love this. I love kissing you. I loved dinner and our day out and the cheese. I think I’m saying that I’m scared by how much I love it, I’m scared that I don’t know how to do this properly, and so can we please stick with this while I take some time to catch my breath.’
Daniel picked up his mug of what must by now be freezing cold tea. ‘Are you talking about sex? Because the leggings and jumper were enough of a hint.’ He gazed at me over the rim of his mug, and I was very tempted to peel off my comfortable clothes right there and then.
‘Um. Partly? I’m also talking about how we are and what we say to other people.’ I took a deep breath. The look in Daniel’s eyes coupled with the notion of sex floating about between us had rendered me more than a little flustered. ‘If we didn’t live or work together, we’d be at the casual dating stage about now. Can we keep it there for the moment?’
The truth was, Daniel and I were way beyond casual dating. I was fairly sure I was in love with him. I already knew what he looked like first thing in the morning after a night pacing the floor with a fretful baby. I’d seen him grieving, learnt how to handle him grumpy, knew instinctively what would make him laugh or cause his hazel eyes to spark with pleasure.
I wanted to be with him.
And now, this sham of keeping things casual and being nervous about committing too soon, concealing the truth about how committed I was whether I liked it or not, was just one more secret to hide.
How could loving someone be so wonderful and yet so heart-wrenching at the same time?
‘Of course.’ Daniel waited until I’d plucked up the courage to look him in the eye, so he could show me that he meant it. ‘We’ll take this slow. Do it right.’
‘Thank you.’
On that note, having successfully tainted the evening with my poisonous past, I called it a night and went to bed.
27
The next few days continued on much the same note. Becky was ecstatic to hear all about the trip while we added the finishing touches to Hope’s bedroom. She was unsurprisingly bewildered about my insistence on taking things slowly.
