‘I thought you liked me being here!’ Annie bit back. ‘I could always move into the farm if you’d prefer.’
‘Don’t be a numpty. I love having you here. For someone who supposedly hates kids and anything remotely housewifely, you are an awesome stand-in mum and housewife.’
‘I don’t hate kids!’ Annie started crying again. ‘Now can we please move on the interrogation to why Sofia is on her second glass of wine?’
Sofia hastily banged her glass on the table, her expression frozen.
We waited.
She hiccupped.
We waited some more.
‘I, also, am not trying to have kids any more.’
‘Oh, Sofia.’ Before we could get up and cluster around her, she held up quaking palms. ‘Don’t! I’m a kind word and a cuddle away from falling to pieces. Which is stupid. It was my idea, for goodness’ sake. It’s the right decision. I’m relieved. And finally at peace after years of relentless, harrowing hope. We can start making love again, instead of desperately trying to make a baby. I can stop wondering whether it’s okay to book a flight or bother spending money on a fitted dress. Stop feeling bitter about not having the income to keep trying. Stop dreading having to go through it all again.’ She paused to catch her breath, one hand pressed against the pain in her heart. ‘What a complete waste of four years.’
‘Oh, Sofia!’ We ignored her flapping hands, gathering round and offering tissues, murmured sympathies and hands to hold.
‘You needed to try,’ I assured her, once her sobs had stilled and she sat propped up against my shoulder. ‘You and Moses had to decide together when it was time to lay it down.’
‘How does Moses feel?’ Bridget asked, sitting on the floor by Sofia’s feet.
‘He was sad. But then once we talked about fostering, maybe even adoption… Well. You know Moses, always so blummin’ enthusiastic and positive about things.’
‘It’s his one major flaw,’ Orla agreed.
‘Especially if the thing involves helping someone else out. And helping out a child in need? It’s like he can’t believe we waited this long to consider it. Now he wants to call social services and make an appointment. All his spare time is reading up and making plans. Talking about how old and how many and whether we should move to somewhere with a garden and a decent catchment area.’ She paused, burrowing her head back into my shoulder. ‘But I’m still mourning. Mourning the babies I longed and prayed for all this time. The blue line on the pregnancy test. Messaging you all with the baby scan photo. Moses stroking my bump and crying the first time he feels our baby kick. Discovering that they have my eyes, his voice.
‘I mean, I want to do this. It’s not like we haven’t opened our doors to kids in need of a home before. I’m up for the challenge, I know it’s right. I just need some time to be a selfish, irresponsible, puts-herself-first twenty-eight-year-old childless woman first. So. I’m drinking if I feel like it. I ate a whole box of cheap, nasty doughnuts for breakfast yesterday. I texted Carmen Wallis on the day of her fundraiser and said I was feeling unwell and then I went shopping in town and bought underwear that cost more than my wedding dress.’
‘You took it back first thing on Monday though, didn’t you?’ Annie asked, smirking.
‘Well, yes, but I bought it!’ She screwed up her face in exasperation. ‘I want to explore this as an option, but I don’t know if I can do it without a break from trying to give a crap about all the people whining on at me about their piffling problems. I’m tired.’
‘My darling sister, would you like a top-up of wine?’ Orla asked.
Sofia looked at her, and hiccupped. ‘Yes.’
‘So,’ Orla said, once all that was left of our nachos was a smattering of crumbs, and we’d moved on from wine to decaffeinated tea and my millionaire’s shortbread. ‘We know Annie’s problem. Or at least as much as she’s going to tell us right now. We’re fully behind Sofia’s selfish sabbatical. You all know what’s going on with me. What about you, Young One? Still raring to become Mrs Russo?’
‘What?’ Bridget squeaked. ‘Why would you ask that?’
‘Bridget, you’re second only to Moses when it comes to enthusiasm.’ Annie shook her head. ‘This is the one time when we have to tolerate your relentless messages about centrepieces and shoes, but we’ve not heard a peep from you in days.’
‘Well, it’s hardly been the time, given what’s been happening, to be parading my wedding all about the family.’
‘Bridget,’ Orla replied, ‘when something horrendous happens to one of us, that’s exactly the time we should be bigging up the good stuff. We could all do with something beautiful and joyful to take our minds off Sam scaring the life out of us.’
‘Oh. Well. I didn’t know that. And anyway, Emma’s organising it. I’ve virtually lost track of what needs doing and when.’
‘Well.’ I wriggled a bit straighter in my seat. ‘Most things are ticking away nicely, although Nita will need catering numbers soon and Moses needs to let me know how long his band are playing for. The only thing on the list for this week is the dress fitting.’
‘Ooh, yes!’ Sofia said. ‘Why don’t we all come? We can try on our bridesmaids’ dresses at the same time.’
‘Urr…’ Bridget started inspecting her usual loose strand of hair intently.
‘Urr what?’ I asked, feeling a little alarmed. ‘Have you changed your mind about the dress?’
