Continuing to kiss him while my mind spiralled into a whirlpool of agitation, I had a flash of revelation that I was far too old and had far too much self-respect to leave this hanging. No way on earth was I about to plough on into having sex with someone for the first time while wondering in the back of my mind if he was secretly hating every second of it. I sat back, anxious to see some desire, if not quite love, in his eyes. But if there wasn’t any there, at least I would know before things got any further.
Cooper ducked his head under my scrutiny. My heart plummeted into the depths of the sofa.
‘I’m sorry,’ he mumbled, voice riddled with anguish. ‘It’s been a weird day.’
I took a deep breath, not even sure what I was going to say, but knowing it had to be honest, no matter what that cost both of us.
But before I could speak, the front door rattled open and three seconds later Ben burst in, lugging his rucksack and an armload of photographic equipment.
‘Hey!’ He threw himself into the spare armchair. ‘How’s it going? I hope your day contained less drunk and disorderly idiots than mine.’ Having kicked off his shoes, he glanced over at us. Dishevelled hair, flushed cheeks, my tiny dress riding precariously high on my thighs.
‘Oh! Crap. Sorry.’ Ben’s eyes caught mine, before flickering away again. ‘I’ll get to bed, then.’
‘No!’ Cooper said, sharp enough to make Ben stop as he moved to pick up his bags. ‘We were just chatting. It’s your flat. Feel free to join us. I think there’s some no-cheese cheesecake left.’
Ben furrowed his brow, gaze switching between the two of us.
‘Tell us about the wedding,’ Cooper added, his voice ending in a croak of desperation.
‘Um, actually I’m whacked. It’s been a long and uninteresting day and I’m heading to bed.’ Ben grabbed his stuff and scarpered, leaving a mushroom cloud of mortification in his wake.
Cooper stared at the floor. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed.
‘I’m pretty tired too, come to think of it,’ I said. ‘Red wine always makes me sleepy. Shall we call it a night?’ I wasn’t lying about being tired. Not knowing where you stood was exhausting in a marriage.
‘I’ll clear up first.’ Cooper stood up, still unable to meet my eye.
‘Yes, good point. I’ll help you.’
‘No, really. You cooked. I can clear up.’
I left him sorting out the evening’s mess, while I lay most of the night staring at the ceiling and wondering if there was any way to clear up the far bigger, seemingly impossible mess we appeared to have landed ourselves in.
We had to talk about it at some point.
Only maybe I would talk to my sisters first.
* * *
Wednesday Wine convened at Orla’s house. The kids were eventually herded upstairs after overly prolonged hugs and kisses with their favourite aunties. Sam was resting in bed.
Collapsing into the old, squishy sofa, Orla closed her eyes. ‘I don’t know how I ever had the energy to work.’
Annie, who’d been taking care to divide the bottle of white wine equally between four different glasses until Sofia nudged her glass over to make it five, paused to pat her on the knee. ‘You didn’t have a recuperating man to take care of when you worked.’
‘Maybe not, but I didn’t have you, either.’ She opened her eyes and gratefully accepted a drink. ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.’
‘Well, I’m not going until Sam’s much better and the kids are settled back down, so there’s no point worrying about it, is there?’
‘How long is that going to be?’ Sofia said, taking her first sip of wine in years as she curled up in a faded leather armchair. ‘You must be dying to get back home.’
Annie shrugged. ‘This is home too.’
‘Okay, so how about back to your business, and yourhusband?’
Annie made a big show of checking the clock hanging on the wall behind the giant TV. ‘Ooh, that’s a new record. Less than four minutes before you started prying into my life.’
‘Yeah, come on, Sofia,’ Orla grumbled. ‘Are you trying to get rid of my help?’
