Macey nodded her head about half a millimetre. She released her grip on my leg and went to pull her dad’s trousers instead. ‘Daddy, can I go home have lunch now?’
‘Please do,’ Sofia muttered, winking up at me. She shooed the last of the stragglers out of the hall, then locked up and led me to the office she shared with Moses. The space wasn’t huge, but they made the most of it. Matching desks and associated paraphernalia like filing cabinets, bookshelves and a giant noticeboard were squeezed into one half, while the other was taken up with two fat armchairs, a stripy rug, a coffee table and an enormous potted plant. It was one of those days where it never quite managed to get light, and Sofia clicked on the desk lamps, adding a cosy glow.
She fetched herself a coffee, and opened up a plastic tub containing a home-made wrap.
‘Are you sure you don’t mind me eating while we do this?’
Sofia had an hour to spare between the toddler group and visiting the nearby care home. She’d then race back to oversee the preparation for the Friday youth club.
I didn’t mind.
Especially if eating left less time to ask questions.
‘You were awesome with those kids, Sofia. Like magic. You are so good at your job.’
‘Thank you. It helps that I love doing it.’
‘Have you thought about adoption?’
She crinkled her eyes. ‘I don’t think Macey’s dad is that bad.’
‘You know what I mean.’
She picked at the corner of her wrap. ‘I’ve thought about it, obviously. But it’s felt like too big a step to seriously consider. Like it would be shutting a door on ever getting pregnant. I don’t know how Moses’d feel about having a child that isn’t biologically his. I don’t know if he’d be ready to consider that as an option. Being a father, passing on the family line, is a big deal in his family.’
‘Urr, hello? He’s been bringing home children – and adults – in need of a family the whole time you’ve known him. If it was still in the days when you could simply decide to adopt someone and that was that, you’d have collected dozens of children by now. If you’re not ready, or it doesn’t feel right for you, then fair enough. But don’t decide Moses’ no for him. You can at least start a conversation.’
She took a thoughtful bite of her sandwich. ‘To be honest, we’ve not really talked about it at all lately. It’s so big and the grief is so painful. There are times I feel completely crushed by the weight of it all, and the only way I can keep going is to put it to one side, try to get on with things.’
‘And is that helping?’
She furrowed her brow. ‘Not really.’
‘Do you think adoption might be worth considering, then? Because if you do, you should talk about it.’
‘I guess so. I’ll definitely have a think and a pray. Now.’ She put her lunchbox to one side and straightened her shoulders. ‘No more deflecting by talking about my problems! We’re here to talk about you. And Mr X. I have to say, I’ve done a fair number of marriage preparation classes over the past seven years. This is the first one I’ve done without the groom.’
‘Is he doing one too?’
‘Moses met him last night.’
I sucked in a deep breath. ‘Oh, my goodness.’ I flapped one hand in front of my face. ‘Did Moses tell you what he said, what he was like?’
Sofia shook her head. ‘No. But the fact that Moses is still happy to go ahead and marry you says more than enough.’
‘Really?’ My voice was trembling. ‘Moses likes him? Thinks that I’ll like him? Enough to get married! Oh, that’s such a relief.’
Only, I didn’t feel relieved. I felt as if I’d spent the night in a tumble drier. The reason for my morning’s panic came bouncing back into my head, and before I knew it I was sobbing again.
Sofia said nothing, coming to kneel by my chair so she could put her arm around me as she let me cry.
‘I bet you’ve never had a bride-to-be cry in marriage preparation classes, either.’ I gulped, trying to get a grip on myself.
‘Oh, no, that’s a common one. Stress about the wedding, pressure from relatives, money issues. Worrying about the practical stuff. Sometimes they’re just overwhelmed and need to let out some pent-up emotions. When it’s tears about who they’re marrying, that’s when we get serious. So. Do we need to get serious?’
I sat up straighter, pushed my hair back off my face and tried to appear as if I weren’t freaking out.
‘I’m okay about getting married. So many things are making me feel like this is the right decision. If Bridget and Moses think it’s not a terrible mistake, that’s really encouraging. And Dad’s reaction totally surprised me. I can’t explain why, but it feels right.’
