He nodded. ‘Hearing about your parents makes putting in a bit of effort with mine seem not such a big deal.’
‘Your next challenge. Maybe you should invite them to the triathlon.’
‘Maybe I will.’
I took another sip of coffee. ‘Interesting how you dealt with your out-of-control emotions by compulsively controlling everything else.’
‘Being self-disciplined when it comes to making positive lifestyle choices has nothing to do with it.’
My BS detector rejected that statement.
‘Pastor Dylan of the Grace Chapel would suggest that if you haven’t done so yet, going back and taking a look at what caused those emotions is the only way to get free of them. He might suggest it’s time you forgave yourself.’
‘What happened back then is not relevant to how I choose to live now.’
‘So, what enabled you to get over it?’
‘I don’t know! I just moved on, moved past it. Gill’s happy with Chris. I barely think about it any more.’
‘Yet it shapes your whole life. Your work, your family relationships. Chasing strange women through the woods to browbeat them into joining your running club.’
‘A terrible thing happened, and I did something positive in response.’ He waved briskly at the waitress, ‘The bill, please.’
‘As long as you haven’t shut down all your healthy emotions, along with the scary ones, I guess that’s fine then.’
Exasperated, he chucked a few notes on the table and got up to leave.
‘And if you can still manage deep and meaningful relationships, with friends, family… people you’re attracted to, people youcan’t control,without having a list of rules to ensure a manageable distance is maintained, then fantastic, no problemo.’
He marched in stony silence to the car. Once our seat belts were safely on, Nathan gripped the wheel and blew a long, sharp breath out of his nose. I surreptitiously checked – no smoke, so I figured he hadn’t quite blown a gasket, I was okay.
He opened his mouth a few times as if to speak, before finally getting to it. ‘What happened with Gill, that did drive me to bury my head in work. But my motivations readjusted themselves a long time ago. I don’t do this as some sort of penance. I love my job, I enjoy achieving my fitness potential and I like things how I like them. I also just had dessert for the first time in forever, so maybe give me some credit for recognising my tendency towards being inflexible and allowing you to browbeat me into working on it. And, trust me, my emotions are not shut down right now.’
He revved out of the car park in a spray of gravel. A point well made.
Next, Nathan really surprised me. We ended up on a suburb at the edge of Nottingham, where a young guy handed me the keys to a tiny Kia.
‘What is this?’
‘A test drive.’
‘I haven’t driven in six years. I’m not insured.’
‘Jase is a driving instructor, the car’s insured for anyone.’
‘Six years, though.’ I held the keys like they’d been plucked out of the sewer.
‘Do you want to be stranded in Brooksby for another six?’
‘I’m not sure I can afford a car.’
‘No one’s expecting you to buy it, just give it a go and see what you think. But if you do decide that the freedom of having a car is worth the money, you won’t find a better deal than this one.’
In the end, the thought of having a car to hide in, rather than face public transport, coupled with the irresistible promise of newfoundfreedom, swung it. And itwasan excellent price. I spent over an hour pootling around the roads between Nottingham and Brooksby, my confidence growing until I grew tired and made a couple of stupid mistakes. By the time I had swapped the car for Jase’s contact details, and the assurance that he’d hold it for a week, the sun was a white disc in a sea of molten copper.
‘Home time?’ Nathan asked, standing next to me on the pavement.
‘Yes, please.’
