‘Do you know for sure it’s one of the Outlaws?’ I asked.
‘I know for sure her previous boyfriends’ names, jobs, favourite holiday destinations and brands of underwear,’ Dani said. ‘And most of them only lasted a couple of weeks. If he’s not an Outlaw, she’s got another very good reason for keeping him a secret. And I can’t imagine it’s anything good.’
‘Unless it’s him!’ Mel giggled, as the door to the café opened and a man stepped in. ‘Maybe she’s decided to go for a more mature man after that last fella turned out to be a teenager.’
Only, Bronwyn wasn’t the only Lark keeping her love life under wraps, of course. I watched, and waited, dying to say something but determined to keep my promise. The elderly man, who had fortunately swapped his dressing gown for tweed trousers and orange waistcoat, comedy tiptoed across to where Audrey sat, her back to the room, like a grumpy Christmas gnome. He might have gone largely unnoticed, everyone was so engrossed in having a whale of a time, except that he crept up behind Audrey and placed his hands over her eyes, in that never-ever-in-the-history-of-ever-funny ‘guess who I am!’ manoeuvre. She let out a shriek like a Nazgul, jumping back and flailing around so hard that it caused a domino effect of toppling people that was only stopped by the buffet table. Here, the last domino knocked the punch bowl flying and drenched the initial domino’s mother from the top of her giant hair extensions to the bottom of her designerGrace Tynedaleshoes.
Oops.
‘Who’s that?’ Mel asked, mouth agape, as people scrambled to their feet, and Chris and his waiting staff rushed to mop up the mess.
‘That, is Graham.’ I suspected Audrey’s secret was out at this point.
‘Isn’t he the guy who lives in that massive house on Foxglove Lane?’ Derek, who had smoothly arrived at Dani’s side at the first hint of trouble, asked. ‘Had a thing with the woman in the Post Office?’
‘Graham Giggs?’ Mel shook her head in wonder. ‘I didn’t recognise him with a beard. And he was carrying on with Elaine Moody, at the library, not Post Office Paula. They used to slip into store cupboards thinkin’ no one would notice. Caused a right problem before them self-service machines got installed.’
‘It was both of them,’ Marjory chipped in. ‘And half a dozen more besides. The thing about horrid little men who think they’re God’s gift to womankind is that they always seem to home in on those gullible enough to fall for it. Women with no self-esteem and no purpose. Who are looking to escape a hostile home environment, where they are belittled and bullied.’
‘Audrey does seem to really like him,’ I ventured.
‘Really?’ Dani quirked one eyebrow. ‘I can’t see it, myself.’
Audrey was currently looking more animated than previously appeared possible, waving her arms as she clearly explained to Graham what she thought of him turning up at the party.
‘How do you know Graham Giggs?’ Selena, dabbing at her white dress with a damp cloth, asked, her snarl echoing through the otherwise silent room. ‘Is he one of your bridge group?’
‘Yes,’ Audrey replied, at the same time as Graham said, ‘What bridge group?’
‘Because if he was, I’d have banned you from going.’
‘You can’t ban her from doing anything!’ Graham retorted, grabbing Audrey’s hand. ‘She’s twenty-two years old, she can do whatever she likes!’
‘You keep out of this, you old fart!’ Selena shouted, her face turning crimson beneath the orangey bronzer. ‘I’m her MOTHER, if I say she’s not going, she’s not going. Audrey – you are no longer going to the bridge group.’
‘Well, ban away, Mother, there is no bridge group!’ Graham laughed. No one else joined him.
‘Mum,’ Audrey said, her eyes wild, entire body trembling. ‘Graham and I are together.’
All the red drained out of Selena’s face, leaving it whiter than the remaining clean patches on her dress. ‘What?’
‘You can’t stop me! He makes me happy. Isn’t that what you want, for me to find a man and be happy? That’s why you made me join the Larks.’
‘You dirty old pervert.’ Selena’s voice was ice-cold venom. ‘If you touch my daughter again, I will personally slice off your disgusting, droopy old—’
‘MUM!’ Audrey shouted. ‘Why do you never listen to me? Graham and I are in love. He’s asked me to move in with him.’
‘You do know he’ll be dead before you’re thirty?’
‘That’s all the more reason to make the most of the time we have now.’
‘Is that what he told you?’ Selena took in a huge breath, scraped the punch-soaked tangles of hair back from her face. ‘Did he also tell you that none of the other women counted, the only reason he’s slept with half the village is because all these decades he was searching for you, his true soulmate, whose inner beauty is enough to make the years between you meaningless?’
‘Selena,’ Graham warned. ‘Don’t say something you’ll later regret.’
‘If you don’t stop talking, I’m going to punch you in the face,’ Selena replied, coolly. ‘And I promise I won’t regret it; I’ve wanted to do it for sixteen years.’
‘No,’ Audrey said. ‘You stop talking! You have nothing to do with this. You are not going to spoil it. You have everything and I have NOTHING but this and him and… and our love and you are not going to have had that too. You are NOT GOING TO TELL ME YOU’VE HAD HIM TOO.’ Stricken, distraught, as though all the emotions that had been brewing behind that blank mask were bursting up and out and into life, Audrey pulled Graham towards her, wailing through her tears. ‘Yes! Yes I’ll move in with you. Now. Tonight.’
