‘Why didn’t you show me this before?’ He delved into the box, glancing at other articles, certificates, medals and a couple of trophies. ‘You were a world champion swimmer? Why would you keep that a secret? Why is this stuff in a box, not on the shelf? Why does that mean you don’t want me to swim, when you won? I just… I can’t believe this!’
Of course he couldn’t. He could only remember me as his mum, without the prompts of photographs, stories or tarnished trophies to tell a different story. After all, this mum hadn’t left the house in two years, three months and nineteen days. Had no friends and an invisible, online job. Ensured her time revolved around her son, making up for the lack of holidays or trips to the cinema with indoor picnics, movie nights, camping in the living room, an all-you-can-eat ice-cream factory in the kitchen.
And to imagine your out-of-shape, anxiety-riddled parent, who’s about the worst example of strong and successful you can think of, as a champion. Well, I could hardly believe it myself, and I’d been there.
‘Who’s this?’ Joey pointed at a photograph of me at the side of the pool, arm around another woman with cropped brown hair, both our faces exploding with joy.
I quirked one eyebrow at him. ‘That’s Coach Coleman. Known to her squad as Cee-Cee.’
‘What?’
‘Cee-Cee got me to the championships.’
* * *
‘Is Coach Coleman not coming for dinner?’ Joey asked a couple of hours later, getting out plates as I stirred a jar of pasta sauce into some penne. He’d been totally absorbed by the contents of the box, forgetting for the moment how my past career had impacted his current situation.
‘No.’
‘But I want to ask her about it, what you were like. How you trained.’
‘I’ve asked Cee-Cee to give us a bit of space for a while.’ Doesforevercount as a while?
Joey took his pasta, looking at me for an explanation.
I sat down opposite him. ‘I’ve decided it’s time to start facing up to my issues. I want to be a proper mum. Be able to chuck a spider outside. Go to your school meetings. Go out for the day. Watch you compete.’
‘Mum, you’re sweating even talking about it.’
‘But I’m talking about it! That’s one step better than yesterday. And, well, I think having Cee-Cee around to do things for me isn’t helping. I kind of need to sink or swim with this.’
‘Well that’s good then, isn’t it? No way you’re going to sink!’ Joey grinned, then paused with a forkful of pasta halfway to his mouth. ‘It’ll be weird not having her around, though.’
It would be more than weird. I could barely remember life without Cee-Cee. Try panic-inducing, gruelling, lonely, impossible… liberating.
We ate for a while, contemplating what might happen if I actually swam. It felt good to get the words out there – good, but equally horrifying.
‘Are you angry with Cee-Cee about the trial?’ Joey poked at the remaining pieces of pasta on his plate.
I took a slow drink of water. ‘Honestly? I am a bit. Cee-Cee was my coach from when I was ten. I spent more time with her than anyone, even my parents. She told me what to eat, when to go to bed, how to train. She disapproved of any distractions, so I stopped piano lessons. She banned boyfriends, parties, even restricted exam revision. It sort of created a pattern. She made the rules, took all the decisions, and I went along with them.
‘And then, when we lived with her, it just carried on. You know she’s got no family, and coaching was her life. I don’t need a coach any more, and even though she retired soon after I stopped competing, I don’t think she knows how to be anything else. It’ll be good for her to have a chance to think about herself for a change, maybe find a hobby and make some friends. And if we’re going to find a way for you to take swimming more seriously, I want it to be with someone who can find a better balance so that it won’t end up taking over.’
‘But isn’t she the best, at getting someone to be a winner, I mean? Won’t I need someone to tell me how much to train?’
‘She definitely used to be one of the best. But if you did join the Gladiators, then you’d need to listen totheircoach. And hopefully in a way that means you can be a winner your whole life, not just for a few years in the pool.’
‘You don’t want Cee-Cee to turn me into you, you mean?’
I blinked back the sudden rush of tears. ‘Cee-Cee isn’t to blame for my panic disorder. Or my choices. But I still think we need a break from her, okay? And we need to find out more about the Gladiators before we decide anything. Even if it is the right decision, there’s no way you can train all the way on the other side of Nottingham and still get to school on time.’
Joey’s face fell. ‘So, I can’t do it then. Not without Cee-Cee to give me a lift.’
‘Why don’t we speak to your Brooksby coach, Mr Gallagher is it? See what he’s got to say. We might be able to come up with some sort of compromise.’ I said this, knowing full well the Gladiators would consider compromise a pointless, wimpy waste of time, not worth a moment’s consideration.
Joey considered it, however, allowing the frown to morph into a slow smile. ‘Gallagher’s awesome. I can’t wait to see his face when he finds out who you are.’
‘Sorry, bud. That stays between you and me for now.’
