‘I don’t know… by the time I felt ready, it seemed like too much time had passed. And then, well, like you said, I have a business to run. I always thought that soon I’d do it, in a few months, once we’d negotiated that contract, completed the next project, and before I knew it, years had passed. And honestly? I felt terrified. I knew if you’d told him the truth about me, he’d probably hate me. I hate myself for what I did.’
‘So, it was easier to do nothing. It’s a good job utter terror and self-hatred didn’t stop me from being there for him.’
Sean took a couple of steps closer. ‘I can’t excuse it. But please give me a chance. I’m here now.’
‘Yes, you are. And how long exactly have you been here, sneaking around and scaring people, Sean? Are you sure your business is coping without you?’
‘I’ve been here since the end of August. And I’ll stay for as long as it takes.’
‘Oh, please. For as long as what takes? For you to stop feeling guilty?’
‘This isn’t about me.’
‘Yeah, right,’ one of the dads behind me retorted.
I automatically glanced back, the realisation hitting me that a dustbin-lorryload of mine and Joey’s personal issues now lay scattered across the reception before a crowd of onlooking scavengers.
‘You need to go before Joey gets here.’
Where the hellwasJoey? I scanned the crowd, but the only pale blond mop in the room was Sean’s.
‘Are you still going to let me see him?’ Sean spoke quickly, his eyes imploring. ‘At least tell him I’m here, let him decide…’
‘Get out of here now, and I’ll tell him.’
I mean, I would have to, wouldn’t I? The trick would be doing it before half the swim team and the smattering of overly competitive parents told him first.
‘I’ll wait for you to message me. Or… or call… or shall I call you?’
‘Go!’ I practically shrieked, only waiting long enough to be sure Sean had actually exited the building and was out of sight before pushing my way through the crowd. In blatant disregard of swimming pool etiquette, child protection issues and quite possibly the law, I burst into the male changing room, eyes frantically searching for Joey, my legs nearly collapsing when they found him, sat on a bench with Nathan.
‘Mum? What’s happened?’ Joey stood up, understandably alarmed. ‘Are you having a freak-out? I’m really sorry, only Nathan wanted to talk about changing the training programme.’
‘I’ll leave you to it.’ Nathan gave my arm a reassuring squeeze as he passed.
‘Thank you,’ I whispered.
He nodded, once, and let the door close behind him.
‘Firstly, you were magnificent,’ I said. ‘It took my breath away, watching you fly through the water like you were made for it. I’m so grateful I got to see that, so thrilled and delighted and awed, I don’t want to waste any more time feeling devastated about how much I’ve missed. I’m beyond proud, Joey.’
‘Thanks. But can you hurry up and tell me what’s second, because you’ve not even given me a hug, so I know it’s something bad.’
I sprang forward and wrapped my arms around him, speaking into his shoulder. ‘It’s not bad. At least not totally bad. But I think we’d best talk about it at home.’
He peeled himself away from me. ‘Let’s go then!’
* * *
We talked for a long time that night. And then spent more time sat side by side on the sofa, not talking. Until way past a sensible bedtime for a thirteen-year-old who is supposed to be training at seven-thirty the next morning before a full day of school. Joey was shaken to know that Sean was in the UK, let alone that he’d been following him about for the past few weeks.
‘He should have told you.’
‘Yes, he really should have,’ I agreed.
‘I guess if you’ve never parented before you don’t know about being appropriate and stuff.’
I didn’t reply that any adult should know that stalking people is never appropriate. And certainly not stalking a child.
