‘You get on home, darling. I’ll call 999. No one needs to know you were here.’
‘Except the peeping Tom. I’m not going anywhere, what if something happens to you?’ Audrey replied.
And at that point – ooh, I really hoped this was not one of Audrey’s relatives – she flung both arms around his neck, plastered her mouth against his, and judging by the writhing and moaning, stuck her tongue halfway down his wattled throat.
I was about to make a break for it, when she abruptly pulled away. ‘Ooh, Graham, I love it when you act the hero. Remember the power cut?’
‘Oh, sugar-pumpkin,’ he breathed, tugging her back towards him with stiff arms. ‘How could I forget? Comehere!’
‘Hello!’ I called out, the consequences of being exposed waaaaaay preferable to witnessing the aftermath of Audrey undoing Graham’s dressing gown cord.
They abruptly broke apart, Audrey steadying her lover as he wobbled.
‘It’s you!’ Audrey’s eyes reflected the glow of the lamp post like a white-hot laser beam. ‘Were you spying on me?’
‘You know this woman?’ Graham asked. ‘Shall I call the police?’
Audrey shook her head in resignation. ‘No. She’s harmless. Weird, but harmless.’
I was aware I should probably say something.
‘Um, your dressing gown.’ I waved feebly in the general direction while trying to keep my eyes a good foot above the strip of bare Graham where the gown was flapping open.
‘You keep your eyes off him!’ Audrey snarled. Believe me, I was trying. That was a lot of bare belly to avoid.
‘Never mind that, darling. If she was sneaking a look at usin flagrante delicto,it wouldn’t be the first time my potent virility has driven a woman to break the law.’
‘That is not what I was doing.’
‘Oh no? So why were you hiding in Graham’s bushes in the dark?’ Audrey retorted, sounding uncannily like her mother.
‘It’s stupid, honestly. I was on my way to meet the Larks, and I happened to glance in your very large window and notice your gorgeous interior as I walked past.’
‘Oho, sothat’swhat the kids are calling it these days,’ Graham chortled.
Swallowing back the urge to barf, I ploughed on. ‘I need to redecorate my living room, so I was just admiring your colour scheme when the door opened and I panicked.’
‘She does do that a lot,’ Audrey said, lasers boring into my skull.
‘I have an anxiety condition,’ I replied, flapping my hands in a ‘Duh, what a silly-billy!’ kind of way.
Graham didn’t look convinced.
‘I do strange things to cope. But, honestly, I really couldn’t see much at all from back here. And I certainly couldn’t see you two. The only light on was in the big window.’ I forced out a smile.
‘That is true.’ He nodded, considering.
‘Look, this really is much ado about nothing, and I don’t want to miss the run, so, um, sorry again for scaring you, Audrey, and I’ll see you later.’
And on that note, I broke all of Nathan’s warm-up rules and sprinted the heck out of there.
Arriving just in time to join the Larks jogging out of the car park, I seamlessly inserted myself about halfway down the pack, beside Dani. Less than a dozen steps later, our coach caught up with me.
‘You need to stop and warm-up before going any further. Club rules. Warm-ups are not optional.’
‘What if I’m not running with the club today, I just happened to be going in the same direction at the same time?’ I puffed. ‘Are you going to stop me running along a public road?’
‘If you’re not running with the Larks, you need to remove your T-shirt,’ Nathan replied, his smooth strides barely breaking past a walk.
