However, I did pay attention to the distress in my boy’s brown eyes when he said this. I gave serious credence to how he twisted up his T-shirt with worried hands and hovered around me for the few days it took to recover.
If I was going to get back out there again, and while I couldn’t wait, I knew it was going to be tough again after a week in the haven of my house, it would be to join the Brooksby Larkabouts, 6 a.m. in the leisure centre car park.
Joey ordered me some running leggings and a jacket to negate the embarrassment of me wearing my old gear in public. His embarrassment, not mine. I gratefully accepted his choice of sportswear, even as I rued the fact that the trendiest gear in the world couldn’t change or hide the woman floundering about inside it.
Only I could do that. Stop floundering. Change the woman.
17
Stop Being a Loser Programme
Day Forty
I knew I couldn’t keep ignoring Sean’s messages. Beneath the bluster, my accident had been a sharp reminder that however determined I was to become a fully functional parent, I was still only one person, and I couldn’t guarantee that nothing would ever happen to affect that. Joey deserved to have someone else he could turn to, who would fight his corner and provide for him. And I didn’t want that to be Cee-Cee again.
Would his father be any better?
Did I owe Joey, Sean – myself – the chance to find out?
And if I didn’t reply, initiate some contact, would Sean take matters into his own hands? He’d found out my phone number, it wouldn’t be hard to discover Joey’s…
The thought of Sean charming Joey like he’d done me, only with thirteen extra years to perfect his techniques of entrapment and enchantment… it made my heart stutter in my chest, set my left eye twitching like a demented frog.
If Joey discovered I’d been keeping his father from him, he might be more easily persuaded to zip right off on one of those jets his dad liked so much. Off to a private Olympic-sized pool and masses of pocket money and family adventures that actually happened outside his new, enormous house.
Sean had relinquished any claim on his son through his absence. But did Joey have the right to find out for himself whether or not his father was a sleazeball? Even if that hurt him in the process? He was still a child. Who got to make that call?
18
Stop Being a Loser Programme
Day Forty-Eight
It was late October when I finally dredged up the courage to don my new gear and ready myself for the short walk to Brooksby Leisure Centre, having prepped myself with a few (secret) early morning walks to get used to being outside again. Knowing Mel and Dani would be there helped, a lot. Knowing Nathan would be there? I hadn’t decided yet.
Joey had told him I was coming, mostly to make sure I didn’t back out at the last minute – ‘you have to go now, they’ll be waiting for you’. That meant that when I saw Nathan waiting at the end of my street, I was barely surprised.
‘You’ll make people nervous, loitering about in the shadows,’ I said, striding past without stopping, my breath a puff of steam.
It took about three smooth paces for him to draw alongside me. ‘How’s things?’
‘So-so.’ I didn’t bother mentioning how my anxiety was currently trying to squeeze my breakfast back up again. ‘How are you?’
We caught up on nothing much, managing to distract at least part of my mind from what lay ahead. I then asked how Joey was doing.
‘I mean, of course he tells me training’s brilliant and he’s heading for imminent glory. I just wanted to check if your version matched his.’
‘Honestly? He’s incredible. If anything, he doesn’t know how good he actually is. The trial is pushing him to work at his best, and it shows how much he’s been coasting at Brooksby.’
I enjoyed the glow of pride, allowing it to shush my fears for the moment. ‘Thanks again for giving him so much time.’
‘It’s a pleasure.’
We carried on walking in silence for another minute or two. ‘So, who are you really?’ I asked, as the leisure centre lights came into view.
‘Excuse me?’ Nathan peered at me through the darkness.
‘Swimming coach. Running club instructor. Football player. Stalker of lone women. Who is the real Nathan Gallagher? Which of these do you concentrate on the rest of the time? Or is it something else altogether?’