‘Okay?’ He looked down at me, eyebrows frowning. ‘Let me know if another attack’s coming.’
Ah, yes. Panic attacks.Thatexplained the quivering knees and flapping mouth.
‘Can I help you?’ a woman in a white coat asked. ‘We’re about to close.’
I got a mental grip on my brain and tried to hold it steady, to not allow myself to become overwhelmed with being somewhere else, with other human beings, where anything could happen, and quite possibly would. ‘Um, I need some Calpol. For my son.’
I hastily explained the situation, paid for the medicine and turned to find my rescuer waiting for me by the door.
‘Ready?’ he asked.
The stranger offered me a tentative smile, and I couldn’t tell if the butterflies jiving in my midsection were because of the walk home, or the thought of who I had the invitation to walk home with.
I spied the dusk approaching through the shop window and thought about Joey at home, waiting for me. I felt neck-deep in humiliation. Weak and pathetic, yet again. I could not allow this guy, with his giant shoulders and kind eyes, who looked about ready and able to carry me home if I asked, to help me. I could not dump Cee-Cee only to grab on to whichever random stranger happened to be passing every time things got tough. That wasn’t independence.
‘Actually, I’m feeling much better now.’Yeah, Amy,my anxiety crowed.That squeaky voice and manic giggle sound much better.‘I can make it back myself. I only live down the road. But thanks very much for your help. I really appreciate it. You must have somewhere to be.’ I nodded at his football kit, the rucksack on his shoulder.
He shrugged. ‘I’ll have missed kick-off anyway. I’ll walk you home.’
‘No, really, I’m much better in the dark.’
‘I’m sorry, but there’s no way I’m strolling off not knowing if you’re okay or not.’
Yes please!the wimpy, pitiful, self-sabotaging part of me said.
I took a deep breath. ‘If I take the easy way out now, then it becomes much harder to push myself next time.’ So all the stuff I’d been reading told me. ‘I can honestly manage once it’s dark, so it’d be like chickening out if I accept help.’
And besides, I was beyond self-conscious at the thought of walking down the same pavement as someone so strong and sweet and normal, let alone having held their hand a few minutes ago. It was surely nothing to him, helping out a randomer in the street, but it was the most eventful thing that had happened to me in years.
He frowned. ‘I really don’t think you should be by yourself.’
‘Look, walking home in the dark with a strange bloke is going to make me feel more nervous, not less.’ I didn’t add that this would be for embarrassing, amorous, love-starved reasons, not ones of safety. ‘So, thanks for the offer, but I’d honestly rather do it alone.’
‘This guy bothering you?’ the pharmacist asked, frowning at him over her thick spectacles.
‘No, it’s fine,’ I stammered back, mortified that she’d picked up on what I’d said and jumped to conclusions.
‘Why don’t you jog on home, sunshine?’ she said, sternly, before turning back to me. ‘I’m locking up in a minute, wait here and we’ll leave together.’
‘Right. Yes.’ The guy, now looking beyond mortified, backed away towards the door. ‘I honestly just wanted to help.’
‘I know,’ I called after him, cringing. ‘Thanks again.’
I sat in the waiting area and boggled for a few minutes at the events of the past hour, while darkness settled onto the square.
I sent Joey a quick message to let him know I’d made it:
Mum you rock!
Did you get strawberry?
Orange makes me hurl.
I thanked the pharmacist as we stepped outside, and before she’d had time to roll the shutters down, I started running for home.
And while I may not have managed to run very far before a killer stitch forced me back to a walk, I did manage not to cry or freak out the whole way. I did, however, get the fright of my life when I stopped to pull the key out of my pocket and saw a huge person lurking in the shadows a couple of houses back.
That is, until he lifted one arm above his head and gave a quick thumbs-up before bounding off in the opposite direction.
