‘I can’t do the swim. Your mum reckons you’re decent enough in the water. If there’s only two competitors for our team in any of the legs, we’ll be disqualified.’
‘You do it then.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
I shifted on the sofa, causing it to make a loud farting sound that couldn’t have more aptly summed up how I felt if I’d produced it myself. I could go all in, open myself up to shame and ridicule, and Audrey could smile as she booted me out empty-handed and pick up the phone to pass the juicy information on to her new buddy Moira Vanderbeek. Or, I could let the tatty remains of my pride prevent those gorgeous, fabulous Larks from having any hope of even competing, let alone winning a medal.
Okay. I could do this.
‘As you’ll be aware, along with the rest of the population, I’ve not been swimming since my mini-meltdown, fourteen years ago. I’ve tried to work back up to it, I even went to Brooksby pool and got as far as the changing rooms, but I can’t. Not without panicking. And the deep end of a swimming pool isn’t a great place for a panic attack.’
Audrey looked unconvinced.
‘I know your mum was way out of order at the Christmas party, but please don’t let that stop you from helping the rest of the club. Or Tate. Nathan would be devastated.’
Audrey frowned, looking pensive. ‘They keep sending me messages, asking how I am and stuff. Bronwyn invited me out for a drink a couple of times. But I couldn’t go because Graham doesn’t… I was busy. But ifshe’llbe there, I won’t go. It’d be disrespectful to Graham.’
‘Okay, Audrey. I’m going to say this, and given my life story, please don’t hate me, just know that I’m trying to be a friend: if you don’t want to swim, then I accept your decision. But make sure it isyourdecision. Don’t give up a whole bunch of people who love and care about you, who are fun and funny and bloody amazing for the most part, because one person says they want you all for themselves. Trust me, it won’t end well. No one has the right to demand all of you. You have too much to give to limit it to just him. And if friends and hobbies and living life to the full make your relationship more difficult, not better and richer and stronger, then it’s not a healthy one.’
‘My relationship with Mum was hardly healthy.’
‘No, it wasn’t. But I think, with some tough conversations, and probably a huge amount of therapy, it’s not unfixable. In her warped way, she only wants the best for you. Are you sure that’s true for Graham?’
‘Ten minutes is up. Can you go now?’ She glanced at the window, apprehensively.
‘I can. But if you’re worried about how Graham will react if he finds me here, then you really need to think about what I’ve said.’
‘Okay, I get it. Will you just go?’
I left.
Would my words convince Audrey to save the day? At this point, I was more concerned about whether what I’d said would help save Audrey.
61
Stop Being a Loser Programme
Day Two Hundred and Thirteen (Still On Hold)
Sunday morning, Selena turned up at my door. She flung her arms around me, enveloping me in the worst of her post-run perspiration, and squeezed so hard my ribs crunched.
‘I don’t know what you said to her, but thank you. I’ve booked us a joint session with my therapist and am cancelling the hitwoman. Although, having had Graham under surveillance for the past few weeks, she’s considering going ahead and putting him out of action anyway. There’s more than one way to neuter a rabid dog.’
‘Is Audrey going to swim?’ I managed to gasp, once I’d broken free.
‘Yes. But you are, too. Audrey’s wonderful in her own way, but she’s no Olympian. We aren’t in this for the laughs, Amy. You’re our secret weapon and quite frankly our only hope. Don’t you dare even think about missing it.’
62
Stop Being a Loser Programme
Day Two Hundred and Twenty-Seven – Back On!
In flagrant disregard of Selena’s order, I bravely dared to think about missing the triathlon for the next fortnight. I thought about it while mindlessly completing a funding application for a local charity who deserved far more care and attention. I thought about it while carefully monitoring Joey’s gradual return to training, and readjusting my relationship with Sean to one of co-parents, and polite friends, nothing more for now and for as long as he continued to surreptitiously stare at me whenever he thought I wouldn’t notice. I thought about it when Cee-Cee came around for dinner, every Tuesday, as we slowly started to settle into a new balance of friendship. I thought about it whenever I went out, which was just enough to stop Joey worrying and to prevent a total backslide into hermithood. I thought about it when I stayed under my duvet instead, which was more often than I wanted to admit. I thought about it whenever I thought about Nathan, which was even more often than that.
I grew sick from thinking about it. Pale, and irritable, and beyond knackered.
