I could yield to this. To a man who wanted me. To the family my son longed for. To security, and romance, and someone to have my back and rub my feet at the end of a bad day. Someone who loved Joey almost as much as I did, who could share in the fears and the joys of parenting, and in doing so lighten the load a little. I could laugh with Sean, even learn to cry with him. Maybe to trust him again, with time.
The temptation to take the path of least resistance was a powerful one. It felt so good to be held. So comforting to be with someone who I knew, and understood, and didn’t have to second-guess all the time.
But when I pushed the past aside, ignored the tenuous promise of a happy-ever-after future, and forced myself to concentrate on the now, on Sean Mansfield’s lips on mine, his hot hands against the small of my back, a strand of his hair tickling my forehead, what I actually felt was:
Not a lot.
So I stood back, far enough away so that Sean’s hands eventually broke contact. I coerced my skittering gaze to meet his soft-focus smile and gooey eyes.
‘Wow,’ he breathed.
I swallowed, decisively, and straightened out my hoodie. ‘No. Not wow. That was not okay. Especially now.’
‘It wasn’t?’ Sean had the gall to look confused.
‘Don’t ever try anything like that again.’
Drained of courage and bravado – and after the day I’d had, who could blame me – I turned and ran, clattering down three flights of stairs rather than wait for a lift. As I hurried into the near-deserted main reception, trying to remember which car park I’d used, someone called my name.
Skidding to a stop, I saw Cee-Cee coming towards me.
‘Come on, the car’s this way.’
‘I brought my own car,’ I managed to stammer.
‘I’ll drop you back in the morning, you can pick it up then.’
‘Cee-Cee…’
‘There are times to be independent and times to accept help from someone who cares. When you’ve had a total stinker of a day, that’s one of those times.’
She strode off through the automatic doors, and, aware that Sean might appear at any moment, for want of no better option, I followed her.
‘Had you been there all evening?’ I asked during the ride home, having filled her in on Joey’s condition.
‘Got here about ten. My contact at the Gladiators called. I thought you might need a lift home, so I waited in the café by the entrance.’
‘You could have come up to the ward.’ Despite currently only seeing him every couple of weeks or so, Cee-Cee still loved Joey like her own grandson. She must have been worried sick beneath the bluster.
‘Family only, they said. And I didn’t want to intrude.’
I reached across the car and gripped her hand. It was possibly the only time I’d touched Cee-Cee with affection, save for the odd post-race hug, and she nearly swerved into a bollard.
‘You are family.’ I choked back yet more tears. ‘I’m sorry I forgot that.’
She nodded in response, blinked hard a few times and soldiered on.
A few minutes later, as we left the city boundary for the darkness of country roads, Cee-Cee cleared her throat and spoke again.
‘The quotes weren’t true. I refused to speak to her.’
‘I figured as much. There’s no way you’d have churned out all those words in one sentence. And I know you don’t talk to the press.’
‘But it made me realise. Perhaps you were right. I kept on as your coach, when what you needed was a friend. Not sure I knew how to be any different. I’m sorry for that.’
‘Thank you.’ I paused to swallow. ‘For everything. I’ve never forgotten what you’ve done for us. And I shudder to imagine what kind of childhood Joey would’ve had without all your kindness and your help for all these years.’
‘It wasn’t kindness. Back then, single women didn’t have the option of having children, so my squad became my family. And because it wasn’t a real family, I was allowed to have a favourite. And after Athens, well. I cost you your real parents. The least I could do was step in. I know I probably never said sorry for what happened. I’m not good at that type of thing. But I am, and I was only trying to show you that.’
