While part of me was aghast that I’d never thought to do this before, welling up with pride, overcome at the sight of his strong, sleek body powering through the water, so grateful to have seen it, another part of me was seething. I may have actually frothed at the mouth a little. How had I let this happen? How had I become a parent watching her incredible, beautiful, gifted child on a screen? How could I have allowed myself to miss years of galas, meets, championships? Football matches, school plays, trips to the zoo.
And I feltpleasedabout opening the back door for a few seconds? Like that was something to be proud of?
I pretty much hated myself in that moment. Had it been possible to suffocate in shame, I would have gurgled to my death then and there.
‘Mum, are you okay?’ Joey peered at me.
‘You’re doing that Gladiators trial. And I’m taking you.’
‘Yesssssss!’ He fist-bumped the air and flipped off the sofa, sprinting out of the room to do a victory circuit of the house.
Cee-Cee frowned. ‘He can’t be worrying about you losing it poolside. I’ll take him.’
‘Over my dead body.’
‘Might well come to that,’ she muttered.
‘Excuse me?’ I stood up, my anger swivelling round to lock onto a new target.
‘Nothing. I’m just being realistic. Anyway, you need to sign this.’ She pulled a form out of her pocket and handed it to me.
It was a consent form for an interschool athletics tournament. ‘Why do you have this?’
‘He got it Thursday. I gave him a lift after training. He mentioned it.’
‘So why did you take the form, instead of leaving him to pass it to me?’
‘He forgets.’
‘Well, if you keep reminding him, he’ll not learn to remember, will he?’
Cee-Cee ignored me, staring out of the window instead.
‘How often are you giving him lifts?’ I asked.
‘It was raining.’
‘How often?’
‘Why is it a problem?’ Cee-Cee barked. ‘You’ve been happy enough with it the past thirteen years.’
‘Because it’s not just giving him a lift, is it? It’s keeping hold of his letters and telling him what to eat. You know how precious our post-win pizza is. That’s why you happened to call in when you knew we’d be in the middle of it.’
‘I’ll go then.’
‘I think that’d be best. And next time, call before you drop-in to check if it’s convenient. Even better, find something else to do, so you can stop obsessing over our lives and get one of your own.’
Since taking me in, Cee-Cee had gone above and beyond in treating me like the child she’d never had. The problem was,abovehad become too much, andbeyondnow felt too far. I wasn’t a child, and if she couldn’t get that, I had to redraw the boundaries, even if it did feel like ripping the bandages off a gaping, raw, anxiety-riddled wound, leaving it exposed to all sorts of infections and further trauma.
Cee-Cee, face taut, silently handed me another couple of school letters and then left. One about uniform, another to inform parents that a black car had been seen parked outside the school gates on several occasions, with the driver appearing to watch the children. While there was no indication that the occupier intended any harm, pupils had been told to report immediately to a teacher if the person approached or tried to speak to them.
See!my anxiety sneered.Out there is dangerous, full of evil people and trouble waiting to happen. How are you possibly going to manage this on your own, without Cee-Cee? Are you crazy? You should ditch this stupid Programme before—
‘Oh, shut up!’ I threw the letter in the recycling.
* * *
Later on that evening, I pulled a chair up to the window and watched the stars for a while. Blotting tears on my cardigan sleeve, I cranked the window open and leant out into the night. I sucked in the forgotten scents of earth and trees, letting the faint whiff of smoke linger in my nostrils. I pushed my face into the gentle breeze, eyes closed as it caressed my skin, seductive and intoxicating.
