I don’t even remember parking or finding my way to the accident and emergency department. I only remember running, lungs clamouring, until I stopped in the middle of one corridor and, in a loud voice, told the anxiety dragging at my limbs and exploding in my brain tostop!
‘Enough! My son needs me, and I will not turn up like this. I will be calm, and rational, and strong. Joey said we’re not being beaten today, so you might as well eff off.’
As I took a deep breath and prepared to start running again, a nearby woman put her hands over a little girl’s ears.
‘What? I said eff! I don’t swear in front of children!’
By the look on her face, that didn’t seem to help. Maybe she’d read the newspaper that morning. Quite frankly, I didn’t have the time to care.
* * *
After patiently informing me, multiple times, that, no, I couldn’t see my son right now, a nurse ushered me into the private family room. Sean leapt to his feet and pulled me into his arms. I leant into his solid chest and took a brief, lovely moment to steady myself before drawing away.
‘Tell me everything.’
Sean visibly juddered. We sat down on adjoining chairs and gripped each other’s hands.
‘It was his second swim. He must have misjudged the dive and hit his head on the bottom. I don’t know how. He’s done that same dive thousands of times before.’
‘He was distracted.’ I closed my eyes, trying to make the room stop lurching. ‘I shouldn’t have let him go. The trials were pressure enough, but then that article. I knew he ought to postpone. That something would happen. But I gave in to that same old pressure, winning is everything. It’s not everything! Not even close! If this is what it takes to win, then I’m happy being a loser. Oh, Joey, this is all my fault. I’m so sorry, so sorry, so sorry…’
Eventually, when Sean had stroked my back and handed me a tissue and unstuck a clump of hair from the half-dried snot on my face, fetched me a cup of disgusting, lukewarm tea and tucked me up against his chest, the nurse returned and gave us what she called an update.
Joey had undergone a CT scan. They were waiting to move him to a ward for observation. The scan results would tell them how best to proceed.
‘I want to see him.’
The nurse briskly looked me up and down, her curled-up lip expressing precisely what she thought about my attire. ‘Once he’s settled someone will come and fetch you.’
‘Why can’t I see him now?’ I stopped myself from adding, ‘I really don’t think he’ll care about me being in my pyjamas!’
‘He’s not conscious, so there really wouldn’t be any point.’
I scrabbled upright, arms flailing. ‘Are you serious? Were you ever once a child? Did it make a difference to know your mother had sat with you when your life was in mortal danger, refusing to leave your side? Can you say, with one hundred per cent certainty, that he won’t hear my voice, or feel my hand holding his? Do you think there might be some point, for me, to know that if my son dies, I was with him?’
‘Ms Piper, the chance that Joseph will die is negligible at this stage. Please calm yourself down. It won’t help Joseph if we have an… incident. Mr Mansfield, this hospital trust has a zero-tolerance policy regarding physical or verbal abuse towards NHS staff.’
‘Excuse me? How was that abusive? How is this an incident? How do you know our names? You’ve read that article, haven’t you? And now you won’t let me see Joey because you think I’m a raving madwoman. Oh my goodness, Sean, tell her it’s lies. Tell her I’m not some out-of-control, unstable… I’ve never abused anyone in my whole life.’
‘Like I said, someone will fetch you once he’s ready.’ The nurse left.
‘This is a nightmare.’ I was aghast, beyond distraught. ‘I thought things were bad when I ran off with you, but this is actually worse. Moira Vanderbeek has made things even worse.’
‘No, she hasn’t.’ Sean’s voice was gentle, but firm. He tilted me back so that his arm was around me and kissed the top of my head. ‘This time, you have good friends, and Joey, to get you through it, not just an arrogant, brainless idiot who flakes at the first sign of trouble.’
I blew out a long sigh.
‘You did flake.’
‘I did. And you… did the opposite of flaking, whatever that is.’
‘Clump?’
‘Okay, that could work. You clumped. Or how about you stuck it out. Raised a son, alone, starting with nothing. Provided for him, loved him, gave him a childhood full of extraordinary memories. He told me all about the indoor camping and the circus school. And it’s not a fluke that he’s incredible. The swimming might be genetic, and I take full credit for that awesome hair, but his humungous heart, his beautiful soul, his uncannily wise head. A hugeclumpof that has got to be down to amazing parenting. If you can do that, you can do anything. You can certainly get through whatever news tonight will bring us. Both of you can.’
‘Well, it helps you being here. For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re no longer a brainless idiot flake.’ I bumped his thigh with my fist.
‘It was arrogant brainless idiot flake.’
