As we scrabbled back onto our feet, a mechanical whirring sound started up from the direction of the gates. The woman ordered her beasts to do something that would make the avocado peeler threat redundant.
‘If they find we don’t possess those body parts, maybe they’ll leave us alone,’ Ashley huffed, as I dragged her hopping, flopping body towards the car.
Flinging open the passenger door, I gave her an almighty shove towards the direction of the seat, before sprinting round the back towards the driver’s side.
If it hadn’t been a teeny-tiny car, I didn’t think I’d have made it. The dogs, who looked more like tigers crossed with hyenas crossed with velociraptors, launched themselves in a growling, baying whirlwind of fur and teeth and spittle at the door the second I slammed it shut.
‘KEYS!’ I screamed at Ashley, who pulled and flapped at her jacket pocket, her whimpers lost in the thuds of animals flinging themselves against the car.
Several minutes, or what was probably more like five seconds later, she hurled them in my direction, where they sailed past my quivering legs into the foot well. Another panicked fumble and I had the keys in the ignition, engine on and foot firmly on the accelerator. We revved away, the dogs racing alongside us until we picked up enough power to pull ahead.
‘I don’t have my seat belt on!’ Ashley wailed, hands braced against the seat. ‘Slow down!’
‘I don’t want to give her time to record the number plate,’ I said, still trying to catch my breath.
‘Did she have a phone out? She could have taken a picture.’
‘I wasn’t looking at her!’
‘Jamie would have covered the plates. Or used a stolen car,’ Ashley jabbered.
‘Jamie would have karate-chopped those freaks in the neck, rendering them momentarily stunned but unharmed. Maybe next time we should bring a pork chop as a distraction.’
‘Next time!’ she squawked. ‘There willbeno next time.’
‘But what if that was her?’ The adrenaline rush might have rendered me temporarily insane.
Ashley turned to glare at me, wincing as she jarred her ankle. ‘That… person was not Hillary West!’
‘It might have been.’
She stuttered, failing to get out a reply.
‘Just because she writes beautiful books about love, doesn’t mean she has to believe it. Maybe we caught her on a bad day. Maybe that was her housekeeper. Or cook, judging by her fondness for obscure kitchen utensils.’
‘Hillary West would never employ someone like that. And besides, she’s allergic to avocados.’
‘You don’t know that for sure.’
‘THAT WAS NOT HILLARY WEST OR HILLARY WEST’S HOUSE!’
I slowed down to turn onto the main road. ‘Okay. It’s your challenge.’
‘Do you WANT to go back?’ Ashley cried. ‘Look at me! I’m bruised and filthy and, as well as a sprained ankle, I think I may have a serious concussion because for a moment there it sounded like you wanted to go back to the house with a couple of pork chops and face those Hounds of the Baskervilles for a rematch while that hideous woman sharpens her apple-corer!’
I thought about it. ‘You’re right. A pork chop would only hold them off for a couple of seconds. I’m sorry. I haven’t had so much fun in ages.’
I thought a bit more. ‘I haven’teverhad so much fun.’
I glanced across at my partner in crime, her eyes bulging through her ski mask, a large rip down the sleeve of her jacket, a bloody tissue pressed against her ripped nail.
‘Next house, you do the climbing, I’ll make notes,’ she said.
‘Deal.’
We drove for a few more minutes in silence. ‘Maybe we should ask Jamie for a job,’ I said, pondering my conversation with Frances about what made me feel alive.
We laughed the whole way home.
