‘No.’
Oh. Okay, then. Slightly embarrassing. Should we pretend this never happened?
‘I wrote a book about two entirely fictional characters.’ Mack looked away, as if searching for the words, then bent his head towards me once he’d found them. ‘But I thought about you, about us, whether there could ever be an us, how it would happen, what I would say and how you would look when I said it, the whole time.’
‘Oh.’
‘Yeah. Oh.’
‘So how did you imagine it would happen?’
He grimaced. ‘Not like this.’
As I struggled to reply, he tugged on my hand. ‘In my head, you looked pleased. Had that smile that makes my heart keel over. Not… anxious and uncertain and like I’ve just invited you to come and see the collection of human bones in my cellar.’
‘I don’t know what’s happening here.’ I did feel anxious, and uncertain, and suddenly very small.
Mack sat on the bench, gently pulling me down beside him. I could feel the heat of his body through the thick jacket he wore, my own body shivering involuntarily in response.
‘You’re freezing. Shall we go inside?’
I shook my head. Being out here in the dark made it easier. It felt safer, somehow, to do this half hidden in shadows. Mack unwrapped his scarf and wound it around my neck, frowning slightly as he adjusted my hat. When his hand skimmed the skin below my ears, I thought the air in my lungs froze.
He took a deep breath. ‘What’s happening is that, while I can write love scenes where strong, kind, sexily amusing men find the perfect words to tell a woman they’ve fallen for them, I’m discovering the reality is very different. Possibly because I’m not that strong, and probably not that kind, sexy or amusing. So, I guess what’s happening is I’m messing this up.’
‘I think you’reverysexy,’ I blurted out, to my horror.Nice one, Jenny. Good choice. Much better than telling him he’s kind, or strong, or amusing.
Mack went completely still.
‘Perhaps you’d like to have another go?’ I offered, deciding we were way beyond nerves or embarrassment now.
‘Okay… um… Jenny, being with you… it makes me feel like… Christmas every day?’ His eyes widened in shock at the sheer horror of what he’d said, before we both burst out laughing as I punched his jacket.
‘That is not a compliment! I hate Christmas, remember?’
He shook his head, cringing. ‘This is why I have an editor.’
‘You’re telling me!’
‘You just called me very sexy! I was… rendered insensible.’ He slowly reached up and brushed a snowflake off my cheekbone with his knuckles. ‘Okay. Last try. Come on, Mack, get it together! Right: Jenny. In the past few months I’ve realised some things about love, other than that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I realised love is the person who knows you at your worst, while hoping for the best. It’s wanting to know everything, but having all the time in the world to find that out.
‘It’s who you want to call when the roof leaks, destroying your office, or you write the first paragraph in months you feel proud of. It’s dancing all night and, instead of hating it, it’s the best night of your life, because being with them makes everything better. It’s believing that maybe you can risk it all on one person again, because they are completely worth it. It’s like waking up after years asleep and finding life isn’t so hideous after all. It’s breathtakingly beautiful if you know where to look. Who to look at.’ He stopped, pulled a wonky smile. ‘Any better?’
‘That depends.’
His smile became an awkward laugh. ‘Can you give me a hint? ’Cos I don’t think I’ve got anything else.’
‘Just to be completely clear, you are talking about me?’
He bent his head closer until I could see nothing but those molten eyes.
‘I’malways talking about you.Thinkingabout you. Spending a ludicrous amount of money on an authentic Macintyre kilt in some warped attempt to impress you. Waiting for you.’ He paused, swallowed, his voice no more than a breath. ‘Loving you.’
I kept my eyes firmly fixed on his as I reached deep into every nerve, trying to summon up the composure to reply as my head spun and heart stuttered.
‘I lied. I don’t hate Christmas any more.’
He watched me, the hint of a smile on his lips.
