Mack looked down, his face blank.
‘All this time I thought you were back with her. Then you disappear, and I assume you’ve moved in together, and you hate me for blowing your cover. I blamed myself for forcing you away.’
‘Why would you think you forced me away?’
‘Uh, because you didn’t even say goodbye?’ I was nearly shouting now.
Mack looked at me, dark eyes serious. ‘I’m genuinely sorry about that. Really, I should have said goodbye. But right then, Iwasangry. About a lot of things. Mainly what a total failure I’d become. And I guess some of that got turned on you. I’ve been a lousy friend.’
‘Mack, wearen’tfriends! Friends don’t spend all that time with each other and not share the biggest things going on in their life. That whole Ashley thing would never have happened if you’d trusted me enough to tell me who you were. Let alone what you were going through. You didn’t have to tell me, it’s none of my business, but don’t then pretend we’re friends.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He ran one hand over his head, agitated. His hair was shorter. It suited him, drew attention to his eyes. Not that I noticed or cared, of course.
‘I feel like a complete idiot.’ I sounded like one too, raspy and overwrought.
Mack took a deep breath. ‘I didn’t tell you because I needed time. To process, and work through it. To grieve for my marriage. To start to heal.’
‘This is what I’m talking about! Friends help each other through these things. You’ve seen me at my worst, in a dozen different messed-up, humiliating situations. Friends are honest. They don’t hide what’s really going on.’
‘That isnotwhat I was doing.’ Mack’s voice was calm, but his eyes were blazing. ‘I didn’t tell you, because I didn’t trust—’
‘You didn’t trust me!’ I cried. ‘That’s the whole point!’
‘I didn’t tell you because I didn’t trustmyself!’ He stood up, the chair scraping across the floor with a howl.
‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’ I asked, the words vibrating through the tension in the kitchen.
‘I was a wreck, Jenny. I didn’t want to hurt you. To start something I couldn’t handle. It was easier to hide how I felt, let you think I was married. It gave me time to figure out whether the feelings were real. I care about you too much to risk making you my rebound.’
I was so pathetic that even as my rage swirled my heart skipped at the news that Mack had feelings for me, whatever they might be.
‘Right, and you needed to pretend you’re with her, to prevent us “starting something”? Possibly a tad presumptuous, considering how many times I’ve stated I’m not interested in a relationship right now. Never mind a relationship with you.’
Mack reared back as if I’d slapped him. ‘Right.’ He scowled. ‘I must have imagined it.’
‘I will not have another man make a fool out of me. You did this to avoid hurting me? Well, newsflash: I’ve been hurting since you left.’
I shook my head, the anger leaking out of me like a popped balloon, leaving only a mountain of sadness. I closed my eyes. ‘I think you’d better go now, please.’
When I opened them again, he’d gone.
* * *
The following evening, I sprawled on Sarah’s sofa, stuffing crostini into my mouth and waiting to hear her verdict.
‘You need to bake him another cake,’ she pronounced.
I sat up, nearly choking on a chunk of feta cheese. ‘What?’
‘A good one. Maybe dinner, too.’
‘What are you talking about?’ I asked. ‘He lied about being married, then disappeared without saying goodbye, leaving me thinking he never wanted to speak to me again.’
‘And he admitted he was a total mess. Not thinking straight. And he didn’t know that you’d been harbouring all these lust-ridden, guilty feelings.’
‘Ur, he seemed pretty confident in how I felt.’
‘Maybe when you get used to keeping massive secrets, it kind of becomes a habit. Like his armour. After being hurt and rejected by Sienna, he spent all that time alone, lost in his own thoughts. Yeah, he should have told you, but he thought he was doing the honourable thing by not doing that.’ She pointed a piece of bread at me. ‘The question is, do you want to be friends with Mack again? Or more than friends? In which case you need to firstly forgive him, then secondly tell him how you feel and what you want.’
