I want to be solid.
I want to be a goddamn unmovable field full of fucking daisies.
He watches me unwrap the sandwich. “I have to head out to do some interviews, but I’d like to talk to you more after I’m finished. If you need more time than that, though, I understand.”
Need more time? I feel like I need all the time that has ever existed, and yet it feels like too much time has already gone by. I’ve held on to so much, and I want to release it.
“No, it’s fine,” I mumble as the smell of the egg and sausage breakfast sandwich graces my nostrils. “I can talk when you’re done.” I hope.
“Okay.” He wavers. “I’ll be back in a bit. You two are more than welcome to stay here while I’m gone.”
“We’ll probably try to find a place to stay.” Clara is the one to answer. “But we’ll hang around here until we do.” She flicks me a look, seeking an agreement.
Yesterday she told me she was going to ask her mom to rent us a place for the week, and while I wasn’t entirely on board with that, I agreed. After what happened at the park yesterday, and with Jason being here, I think I’m okay with her doing that now. How we’ll get our belongings from my mother’s house, though, is beyond me.
Ellis collects his wallet, keys, and badge, retrieves his gun from a safe, and then grabs his coffee and breakfast sandwich. “You have my number. If you need anything at all, call me.”
I nod, my tongue thick in my mouth.He’s so nice.
After Ellis leaves, Clara turns to me and asks, “What’s going on?”
What do I tell her? I have no idea, but I can’t tell her everything, not because I want to continue letting my lies simmer inside my chest, but because I don’t think I can handle talking about it again yet.
But telling her part of the truth seems doable.
“I told Ellis some stuff last night… While I was drunk,” I tell her while picking at my breakfast sandwich. “About some things that happened to me in the past that might be connected to the girl that was found in the park.”
“What?” She gapes at me, and I just nod. She silently processes this. “What sort of stuff?”
My throat feels tight—constricting, vines crawling out of the ground and coiling around my windpipe. “I was attacked when I was in high school, and there’s some similarities to what happened to that girl that… remind me of some things that happened to me.”
She studies me, her eyes searching mine. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I shake my head. “I feel like last night’s confession time with Ellis is about all I can endure for now.”
“Okay.” She leans to the side and collects a coffee from off the table. “Well, if you feel like talking, I’m here for you.”
“I know.” I chew on my bottom lip, trying to figure out what I should do.
I don’t want to stay in Star Meadows, but I may have to, not only to help Ellis with the murder cases, but to figure out what to do about the note I found in the car from the person wanting to meet with me. There’s also that photo that was left with it, and the photos I took of those journals and notes I found in my mother’s closet. I’m fairly positive I didn’t tell Ellis about having these items, so I need to talk to him about it.
As for meeting that person, I need to do it even if it scares the shit out of me.
I envision myself reaching up and prying the vines off of my neck, the ones that have tied me down for so long. I no longer want to let the woods have a grasp on me. I want to step back into the sunlight where I can finally breathe again.
4
AVA
Once Clara and I finish eating breakfast, Clara calls her mom to get her to book us a place to stay. I venture into the bathroom to take a shower and to give Clara some privacy. My reflection in the mirror is a sign of how exhausted and stressed I am. My eyes are sunken in with prominent dark circles shadowing underneath them, and my skin is as pale as the snow that coats the fields in the wintertime. That bruise that was on my arm is darkening, the one I’m pretty sure might be from someone injecting me with drugs. I look like a ghost from my past, and I loathe it. I need to eat and stop drinking—I need a clear head.
And I need a plan on how to get into my mother’s house undetected so Clara and I can retrieve our belongings.
Once I’m showered and dressed, I exit the bathroom with a trail of steam following me.
Clara offers me a small, cautious smile as I walk into the room. “Good news. My mom is getting us a place that’s not too far away from here.”
“That’s good. Thanks for having her do that.” I sit down on the bed. “We need to find a way to get our stuff out of my mother’s house without crossing paths with her.”
