Little eyes popped open and Noelle gasped. “No, Grace. Please stay. I love you too.”
I smiled softly, hearing her say those words back to me. I longed to be worthy of them. “Um, Noelle,” I stammered, eyeing Caleb again before gulping. I wasn’t versed in how to handle this scenario. On one hand, I didn’t want to overstep, but on the other, I didn’t want to let go of her, or him.
“Grace, stay,” Caleb relented, a firmness to his tone. He would not meet my eyes as he walked over to his side of the bed and climbed in. Noelle patted the space beside her and wiggled closer to her dad to give me room.
“Good night,” Noelle whispered, and she was out like the light Caleb turned off.
I wished for sleep to take me, but I couldn’t be so lucky. No, instead I was hyperaware of every movement coming from Caleb, and I couldn’t get a good look at him because of the little girl in between us.
My heart raced, wanting to talk to him. Make things right. Come clean. But it seemed like fate was against me. My instinct was to escape, and at this very moment, it was the last thing I could physically do, especially with Noelle’s arm draped across me.
“Do I have to go to school?” Noelle asked, her mouth full from the pancakes Caleb made us for breakfast.
I tried to say I wasn’t staying for breakfast but neither one would have it. Caleb even seemed a little mad when I suggested leaving.
“Yes, you do.” Caleb rounded the kitchen counter with more pancakes in tow. “Just because the going gets tough doesn’t mean you run away.” His gaze lingered on me and I cringed. Noelle noticed the awkward exchange and glanced between us but thankfully didn’t say anything.
“Are you going to drive me?” Noelle asked, sounding younger than her age. She was understandably scared, given that she’d been through so much in her short life. Unwanted by her mother, then I came in and we had an unexplainable bond, only for the rug to get pulled out from her by the bullying and Caleb’s and my breakup.
“Of course, we have another meeting with Principal Stanford,” Caleb explained, pressing the button on the coffee machine. “There will also be consequences for you running off and scaring the shit out of me.”
I wanted a coffee but didn’t want to ask Caleb for it, let alone help myself in a house where I wasn’t sure I was welcome by the owner.
But as if he read my mind, Caleb poured me the first cup, sliding the mug to me. Then proceeded to go in the fridge and pull out my favorite creamer. It was brand-new. Caleb drank his coffee black so buying a fresh creamer was an odd choice.
“Grace, you’re not leaving Grand Haven, are you?” Noelle turned to me, panicked, setting her fork down.
I felt Caleb’s eyes on me, but I didn’t dare look in his direction. This little dance we were doing was nerve-wracking enough. I was not sure if I could manage to see any rejection from him.
Her question left me at a loss for words. While I wanted to stick around and try to get Caleb alone to confess the truth tohim, part of me was scared. I knew I needed to help Noelle though this challenging time. It was clear that my absence had an effect on her.
I hesitated, my eyes trained on my coffee mug, the steam curling upwards, just like all of my jumbled thoughts.
How could I reassure Noelle if I wasn’t even sure what I was doing myself? My instinct was to stay for her and fight for her. For them. Staying would mean finally coming clean, not just to Caleb about my lies, but to myself. I made mistakes in my past, and I made a mess by lying to Caleb, but I was worthy of a family. Julia wouldn’t want me to torture myself, like a life sentence. I was finally free, and only had the power to be because the chains were never physical. They were laced with fear, and I had to break away once and for all.
“Noelle …” I started, choosing my words carefully. I was so new to being an adult figure in someone’s life. I had a lot to learn. But we only learn by trying. “I’m not going anywhere right now. You’ve been so brave throughout everything, and I want to be there for you, in any way I can, okay?” I gulped, hoping I didn’t overstep with my promises, but I did have to speak to Fiona and all my other Grand Haven buddies. When I ran off, I didn’t just leave Caleb and Noelle behind, I left behind a whole lot of people who were rooting for me. I had some mistakes to make right.
Her wide, wild eyes softened with my words. “Okay.” She nodded, though I could tell she wasn’t entirely convinced. Noelle was a smart kid. She knew her dad and I weren’t what we once were. But lord how I wanted to be.
“All right, go get ready, Noelle. Don’t want to be late.” Caleb grabbed our plates and went over to place them in the sink.
Noelle lingered in the doorway for a minute before running up the stairs. Once we were alone, Caleb spoke. “Don’t makepromises to her that you can’t keep. She needs to know what to expect. Especially now,” he warned, his voice full of emotion.
I finally mustered up the courage to look at the man who had my heart. Caleb stood by the sink, his back to me as he rinsed various dishes and loaded the dishwasher. His broad shoulders flexed with tension. I could see his jaw clench, and once his hands were free, they gripped the edge of the counter a little too tightly. The air was thick with so much unspoken between us.
“I’m not trying to hurt her, Caleb,” I said softly, my voice low. I was unsure how to convince him of anything about me anymore. “I would never.”
He turned at that moment and looked at me with such an intensity that my spine shivered both from intimidation and memories of other times he looked at me with that passion.
“I’m not saying you would, but I need you to know where I stand. Where she needs to stand.” His voice was firm but not unkind. The irony wasn’t lost on me at the grace he was giving me. “She’s been through enough, Grace. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She needs stability, and right now, you’re?—”
“A confusion.” I finished his sentence for him, looking away from his intense gaze. “I know.”
“It’s a mess, Grace.” Caleb shrugged his shoulders. “Then there’s all this shit with the school. I didn’t want to have her move classes, but it seems we’re going to have to. Anyway, the point is Noelle comes first.”
His words hit me like a ton of bricks. The reality of how different the dynamics were began to set in.
“I understand, but I want to fix this. You have to know that.” I looked toward the stairs, making sure Noelle was still getting ready for school. My fingers traced the marble design on the counter. I was nervous to say what I wanted to next. “I made mistakes. I know that. And I know I don’t deserveyour forgiveness, but I’m here, Caleb. Doesn’t that count for anything?”
