I knew it was time to go. To let them go.
“I think that’s everything,” I said, clapping my hands together. This was a long time coming, but I was proud of my progress in moving forward with things in my life.
“This is wonderful, Grace.” Remi smiled and proceeded to thank me.
She was the Midtown women’s shelter coordinator. I dropped off about twenty boxes of clothes, shoes, and purses. While I hired a moving truck to help me deliver the boxes, I was still going to help in any way I could, so I volunteered earlier to serve food for the first shift.
Caleb showed me how fulfilling helping people could be. Just because we weren’t together didn’t mean I was going to revert to the ways of my past.
I’d learned a lot from Caleb. I learned that giving back did as much for me as it did for the people I was helping. Maybe even more. Connecting with people who were going through a toughtime and being able to make them feel human made my heart soar.
“I’ll be back next week,” I called out, holding the door open for a woman carrying a small child strapped to her chest.
I drove the rental car slowly and steadily.
Even though I passed my driving test, I still wasn’t ready to commit to a car now that I was back in the city. First off, city driving scared me shitless, and second, you didn’t really need a car in the city.
I decided to drive today because I felt it would be full circle for my healing.
One year ago today was the day my life changed forever. I never thought I’d make it out of the hole I fell in. But I fought to find a way. A way to forgive myself. A way to show Julia how I was finally living again.
Making the decision to visit Julia’s grave for the first time was a tough one. Something I’d put off, pushed away. I didn’t want any of it to be real. I wanted to believe it was a bad dream. Julia was always off doing God knows what with God knows whom. I found it easier to live in the delusion that one day she would pop in again. But it wasn’t healthy. I wasn’t moving forward; Caleb was right about that. I had to start living, even if it was just me again.
I was not a monster. I was a person who made mistakes. A person who struggled with forgiving myself and nobody aided in the process, only further validating my monster status.
The wrought iron gates were opened. They looked rusty and old. I got chills down my spine but continued to drive the car, almost like it was second nature. Like I did this all the time.
I don’t even remember parking the car, let alone getting out of it, but somehow, I ended up in front of my sister’s grave.
It was well-maintained with fresh flowers with a ribbon that said “daughter” on top, sitting on the soil. This surprised me. I didn’t think anybody visited her, let alone my mother. Who knew if she just hired somebody to maintain it, but something told me this was done by her.
Pushing my mother out of my head, I kneeled on the grassy dirt, taking a deep breath. I said things in my mind first, pretending she could hear me. Maybe she could. Then I got the courage to say out loud, “I’m sorry, you know.” Tears ran down my face, and I didn’t even brush them away, knowing it was futile.
“It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I hate what happened to you. I play that night over and over in my mind, and I run through all the what-ifs. But it’s not going to change anything, right, Jules? The way you looked at me … God, that look haunts me. I love you, Julia, and I know you didn’t want me to be like Mom. But I also couldn’t be like you.” I smiled a little. “No, you were one of a kind. But I think I’m becoming me. At least the first version of me that I like. I think you would like me too. I hope you’re proud of me.”
I took a deep breath and rose to touch the porcelain tombstone with my fingertips. “I love you. But that doesn’t mean I have to stop living because you’re not here. No—” I shook my head. “If anything, I need to live for both of us. For so long my life wasn’t mine. And before you get on me or haunt me or some shit, I’ll never forget you. I just need to think of you a little less and me a little more.” I paused and thought about what I selfishly wanted. “One more thing, if you’re really listening, please help me fix things with Caleb and Noelle. I love them and I want to believe you sent me to Grand Haven, to them. I love you always, Julia. Forgive me. I forgive you.”
There was nothing more to say. I had a life to live.
CHAPTER 38
Caleb
I recountedthe cases of liquor Amanda was sifting through. It seemed like my liquor distribution sent me four defective cases. Glass was broken everywhere and alcohol seeped from the boxes. I ran my fingers through my hair, stressed. This was the last thing I needed with Valentine’s Day the following week.
“Amanda, can you take pictures of all this?” I asked, going to get a mop.
Just the thought of all the hearts and flowers made my stomach lurch. I had big plans for Valentine’s Day. Plans that went awry in the matter of one afternoon.
Every time I thought back to Grace in her hotel room with that Grant asshole, I wanted to believe that nothing happened. It looked bad, but all sorts of shit happened. When I asked Grace point-blank if she slept with him, I wanted to think that I knew what her answer would be. But I had to ask; there was so much uncertainty lingering around us. Noelle’s bullies, Grace’s mother, her reputation, and then add my fucking employee googling her. It all caused a strain, adding to us feeling disconnected from one another. Not to mention she ran off, not even allowing me a chance to explain. I thought she was donerunning. I wanted to believe Grand Haven was enough for her to stay. That Noelle and I were enough.
The look on Grace’s face when she said she did in fact sleep with that asshole will be forever ingrained in my mind. The shame and pure disgust was apparent. Even with all that, I still couldn’t stop loving her. I even felt the need to defend her to Grant when he spoke of her poorly.
But it was done, and I needed to move on and be a parent to my kid. She was the constant in my life. I knew she missed Grace too, but Grace chose her bed and now she had to lie in it.
“Are you doing anything for Valentine’s Day with Grace?” Amanda asked innocently, helping me sweep up the glass on the floor. “I haven’t seen her around here lately.”
Amanda had been blissfully unaware of town drama since cutting ties with Max. She lived in her own little world and ignored all the chattering surrounding our small town. Usually, I would be thankful to have one person who wasn’t a town gossip, but the last thing I wanted was to explain that Grace and I were broken up. I hired her after Grace left. Nicky had just come back after his sabbatical. He was going through a lot and didn’t want to talk about why he left town abruptly, only that he had to dial back his hours at the bar. I needed the extra help. Amanda was saving up to leave Grand Haven and move cross-country so she jumped at the opportunity.
