I groaned and walked over to the couch, collapsing onto it. Who knew making plans with “friends” needed to be this strategic?!
“You know what, Cordelia, actually I’m pretty tired. I’ll call you later in the week and maybe we can set something up. Privately, of course!”
My oldest friend was not the pillar of support I’d hoped she’d be. Then again, nobody was. After all, I’d been wallowing since losing Julia.
“See, you understand! Great, Grace, talk soon.” Cordelia hung up and I looked around the empty hotel room.
“Fuck,” I muttered to the bare walls. I couldn’t believe this was my life. I set the glass on the end table and rose from the couch, trying to resist the urge to throw my phone at the wall. There would be time for that later.
In an attempt to adjust my attitude, I changed into my pajamas. I had a trunkload of clothes and other belongings sent over to the hotel when I moved in a few months ago. I really didn’t want to have to go back to my place if I could manage, so I hired people to pack whatever essentials I needed from my house. The rest of my crap could wait until I was ready to sift through it.
I tousled my hair after undoing my messy bun, my signature unruly blonde hair falling around my shoulders. I was a natural brunette, but my toxic mother would berate me for not having blonde hair like her or my sister so I dyed it in sixth grade so I would be “more desirable.” What a crock of shit. Now I was too lazy to dye it back.Maybe I’ll grow it out.
Just as I turned on the television, my phone buzzed on the nightstand and I pulled it out to answer without looking at the caller ID. “Hello,” I muttered into the phone, expecting it to be Cordelia with a crappy apology.
“Grace,” the voice on the other end said, annoyance evident in their tone. Or was it the feeling that this was an inconvenience that I was sensing?
“Mother, to what do I owe this call?” I groaned, looking around for the remote to mute the reality show playing in the background.
The last I’d heard from her, she had told me she was going to be “unreachable” since she was joining some spiritual retreat in the desert, where the attendees did ayahuasca and cried about their past traumas. It’d sounded like my version of hell, but to each their own. Only God knew why she was calling me. To berate me, no doubt.
“Grace, I’ll have you know I broke away from our trauma ritual to call you. Technically, we aren’t even allowed to use the phone, but when I told them I was callingyou, they understood. Everyone knows about you, honey. You should have seen the looks they gave me. They were worried about you …foryou. I’ve told you time and time again, you need to book an interview and start making things right. The longer you wait, the less forgiving people are going to be,” Jacqueline scolded. I could visualize the resigned look on her face.
Jacqueline Harrington was a character. Money and status were all that mattered to her. She would then drown herself in wellness rituals to forget what an empty shell her life was. She wanted so desperately to have me lined up on some “apology tour” as if I needed to explain myself to anyone. Meanwhile, Jacqueline never let me explain my version of events to her.
I took a deep breath and remembered my mantra, repeating it in my head to calm myself down.She’s not going to change. The only thing you can control is yourself.
“Mom, I’ve told you time and time again, no interviews. I can’t. I can’t talk about any of it. I won’t,” I answered, closing my eyes and shaking my head even though she couldn’t see me. Even when she was in front of me, I didn’t think she ever saw me.
Whoever I was.
Jacqueline inhaled deeply, and I could already tell that she was going to say what a disappointment I’d become. “Grace, I’m so disappointed. Everything we worked so hard for will be for nothing.”
I couldn’t hear this again. Everything was already a reminder of my failures.
“Oh, Mom, I’m getting another call,” I lied, sighing while flipping my hair over my shoulder. “Enjoy your rituals.”
“Okay, honey. I have to get back for our birth chart reading anyway. Goodbye, Grace.” The line went dead, and I stared at the wall for several minutes. What the hell was I doing? In New York. In my life.
Julia was right. This world was toxic. I was toxic. I was lost in it all. I was becoming my mother.
I had fallen too far. I wasn’t going to pretend climbing out would be easy, but I was done sitting in the wreckage. I had to try to get out or else I was going to be buried.
Sometimes, the hardest part of falling is not the crash, but actually getting back up.
CHAPTER 2
Caleb
I didn’t meanto fall for the noise. But I did. It started with a small comment that piqued my interest. We were wired to listen when someone said, “Did you hear?” It was human nature.
Last night, I was sucked into romantic drama at the bar. Max, the bar’s newest employee, was trying to date Amanda, who worked next door at the pizza joint. She apparently had a casual fling with Nicky, the assistant manager and my friend since high school. Max was threatened by Nicky and his now platonic friendship with Amanda. He went on and on all night to Nicky about how Nick was “too flirty” toward Amanda. All Nicky did was remember her standing drink order.
I was too old for infantile gossip, yet I found myself staying an hour later than normal listening. It was like a train wreck. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t pry myself away. No matter how tired I was today because of it.
But I was tired, which meant I’d be maneuvering too slowly for my kid who happened to be like the Energizer Bunny. I was also bound to fuck up whatever hairstyle she wanted me to try to replicate. Noelle would scold me and then remind me how all herclassmates had mothers who helped do their hair in styles that were too advanced for me.
“Dad,” Noelle whisper-yelled into my bedroom.
