When he dismissed me, I grabbed my things and rushed toward the door. I removed my panties from my mouth before pushing out of it, and I shoved them into my bag as I moved down the hallways, toward the exit. I felt the cool fall air against my most sensitive places the moment I stepped outside.
Oddly, it helped to calm me. It quickly cooled the heat of anger and embarrassment. I guess I did deserve to get punished. I willingly took his deal. I accepted his terms. And then I broke them when I agreed to go out with Chase. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be dating when we were walking together. I knew how Elliot would feel the moment that Chase kissed me. It should’ve been a good kiss, but it fell flat, and I knew why.
Even though everything was all kinds of fucked up, there was this part of me that never let go of the fantasy of being with Elliot. Even though I hated the person he’d become, the guy I fell for all those years ago was still in there somewhere.
For the first time, I thought that maybe I could bring back the man I knew. Elliot was a product of the life he’d lived. The cruel world took a nice, sweet, and caring guy and turned him into this hardened, bitter asshole. I didn’t know what traumatic event ledhim to where he was, but I knew better than anyone how one thing in life could change everything.
When I lost my parents, I changed. I used to be young, shy, and too serious. Everything was about school, grades, and planning a life that would make my father proud. But since their passing, I have been changing. At first, it was so slow that I didn’t even realize it. It was getting to the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore. The person I used to be was staring me in the face. She was strong and sure. I was weak, broken. I knew I had to find my way back to her.
I’d been resistant to the deal I agreed to, but what would happen if I embraced it? If I really embraced it? I wanted my dad to be proud of me, and even if Elliot had a shitty way of saying it, he wasn’t wrong. I had made a deal and I hadn’t honored it. Not the way I should have, anyway.
I was always taught that my word was all we had. I had been telling Elliot one thing and then turning around and doing whatever I wanted. It wasn’t because I wanted the attention of two men. It wasn’t because I had a problem with authority. It was all just because I wanted to be normal.
I wanted a normal college experience where I fell head over heels in love with the guy I was supposed to marry. I wanted to spend every Friday night beneath the lights of the football field, cheering for the home team. I wanted to attend frat parties and hang out on campus with my large group of friends, just like I saw in every college-age movie growing up. I wanted to be able to look back on my college years and know that I lived life to the fullest.
My first mistake was thinking that I could ever be normal. I wasn’t meant for normal. I had always been different. I’d grow up being the shy, smart girl. I dove into that title headfirst and dedicated all of my time to maintaining it. Then I was the poor little orphan girl. I was the girl who was being raised by herolder brother, who could barely take care of himself, let alone his younger sibling. Then I was the orphan girl who had her dream come true when she managed to land a massive scholarship to her dream school. So much of my life had been spent not even being myself. Who was I really? What did I want out of life?
All I really knew was that it was time to change. It didn’t matter who everyone else thought I was. What mattered was what I wanted, and what I wanted was to be happy. I wanted to enjoy life, not stress about it. I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I wanted my fifteen-year-old self to be happy with the life I was working toward. I wanted it all and then some.
The first thing I did was pull out my phone.
EVE: You were right. I’m sorry. I will try harder.
I slid my phone back into my pocket and pushed on to my next class.
I spent the day hiding from both Madison and Chase. I didn’t have it in me to call things off with Chase just yet, and I knew Madison would only push for an explanation, and I didn’t want to deal with that yet either. I moved from class to class as quickly as possible, avoiding all my usual routes. During my breaks, I spent time in the library, working ahead and finishing up assignments.
Several hours later, I felt my phone vibrate, so I pulled it out as I sat at one of the library tables.
ELLIOT: Prove it.
EVE: How?
ELLIOT: Where are you right now?
EVE: Sitting in the library.
ELLIOT: I want you to take a picture for me.
I snapped a picture of my face and sent it.
ELLIOT: Nice try, but not exactly what I had in mind.
I blew out a breath, nervous about what he wanted.
EVE: What did you have in mind?
ELLIOT: Get up and go to the furthest aisle of the library, way back where nobody ever really goes.
Keeping my phone in hand, I got up and walked through the aisles and aisles of books. The bookshelves were tall, and they seemed to go on and on forever. Once I got to the furthest corner I could reach, where the lighting was dim and the smell of musty books filled my nose, I texted him for my next step.
EVE: Now what?
ELLIOT: Do you still have your panties off?
EVE: Yes, they were a little too wet to put back on.
ELLIOT: Good. Lift your leg and rest your foot on one of the shelves.
