Ryder finished his wine and looked at me as if he was ready to drive the last nail in my coffin. My mind raced and I wasn’t sure what to do.
“I’ll try in the morning to see if I can fix this before your ceremony,” Frank said, but he didn’t sound hopeful.
Oh, goodness. Now it was time to be completely honest. My blog was a part of me. A chill ran through me as I said, “Thanks, Frank.”
I ended the call and tucked my phone in my pocket. Food wasn’t going to fix me. I pushed my plate away and Ryder signed the bill that must have come when I was on the phone. He put the pen down and asked, “My father’s playing hardball?”
I nodded. I had no idea what to do. My skin buzzed with energy, as I said, “He refused any more talks.”
He folded his hands on the table like this was a contract negotiation, too. “So it comes down to you and me. If you want to call off our plans for tomorrow’s wedding, I’ll call the priest.”
I shivered but forced myself to speak. I needed to express myself, and couldn’t imagine my life under supervision. I scooted away from him. “Yeah. I don’t want this, as it is now.”
His face drained of color, but he turned away like he didn’t want me to see him. “I figured. I’ll go, Nicole.”
My gut had no answers. All I knew was that I didn’t want to hurt him. He moved to get up, but I reached out and held his wrist. “Wait.”
“Why?” He turned toward me and as he spoke, my heart pounded. I’d just fucked everything up.
“You don’t want to marry me. I have to find another way to escape my father.”
Boom. Right. This wasn’t about love. My feelings for him, or whether he loved me, didn’t matter. I wasn’t stupid. I felt the sting of almost-tears and forced them to freeze in place. I asked, “That’s all this is to you?”
He stood up and tightened his tie. “What did you expect? I said I could help you cash in on being a runaway royal, but you refused that. And I get it. You don’t need me.”
He turned to go, and I let my arms collapse on the table as I said, “Ryder, I’m sorry.”
He stared at me and I stood up to face him.
“Me too, Nicole. I’m sorry I let it get this far. I should have just stuck to my original plan with the stripper.”
If words were like bullets shot from a gun, I’d be dead right now. I’d been so stupid about everything. I glanced at his polished shoes. Honesty, even when it hurt, had always been a life model for me, so I ignored my chills and said, “For what it’s worth, you were the best man I’ve ever been with.”
He came over. For a moment I thought he’d kiss me, but his lips met my cheek. “I’m the first. I hope you find whoever it is you want as your husband.”
Tears streamed from my eyes now. I held him like this was the last time I’d ever see him, and I sniffled a little but said, “That’s just it. I never wanted a husband. I never saw myself as a bride or a princess. And, I’m afraid I’m not cut out for your life. It’s too constraining and I need to express myself.”
He backed away, but the way his blue eyes stared at me it was like he saw straight through me and realized he and I were wrong for each other. He pressed his hand to his heart. “I’ll buy your book when it comes out.”
I wiped my face and said, “You’re wonderful, Ryder.”
He turned away, massaging the space between his eyes. “You don’t have to lie to me. That’s what staff is for. Good night.”
His steps echoed as he walked away. My heart was on the ground and shattered. I needed to be honest, so I ran after him and didn’t care if anyone saw me. I rushed onto the sidewalk and called out to him, “Wait!”
He turned and his muscles twitched. But he stared at me and asked, “What?”
This felt wrong. I didn’t want to lose him. I shuffled and said, “I’m sorry.”
That sigh of his made my body ache with need but he said, “Me, too. I wanted to marry you.”
I reached out like I needed him to hold me, but I said, “I wanted that, too, just not like this. Not now.”
His face went white then he said, “Right. So this is me walking away, as you wished.”
The moon was out and I watched him as he rushed toward the wharf. My legs were locked in place until he disappeared. He hadn’t loved me. If he had, wouldn’t he have told me? If I hadn’t stopped us now, then I’d have neither love in my life nor my work. Marriage would be impossible.
When I had finally lost sight of him, I pressed my hand on the wall of the building like that might give me enough strength. But breaking up with Ryder left a hole in my soul. I wasn’t sure I’d ever recover.
