Emmy had barely even registered that any of it was there.
‘No. I can’t, Cormac. I’m so sorry.’
Cormac had risen to his feet, fuelled by confusion and horror. ‘I don’t get it,’ he’d said, and there was no challenge or aggression there, just hurt, dripping from every word. ‘I thought this was what you wanted. Whatwewanted. Emmy, I meantwhat I said – from the day I met you, all I’ve wanted is to do life with you. All of it. Just me and you. I thought you did too.’
‘I did,’ she’d said honestly. ‘But now I just don’t…’ she’d paused, then changed tack. Stick with honesty. The least he deserved was the truth. ‘Cormac, all day I’ve been freaking out because I thought you were having an affair. You’ve been acting so weird for weeks now and I didn’t understand, so I made up my own story. And that’s where my mind went.’
‘I was organising this. Shopping for the ring. Yvie helped me choose it.’ He’d gestured to Yvie, who was still speechless as she gave a conciliatory shrug. ‘And today I had to go collect it. I told you I was working because I wanted this to be a surprise tonight. I was waiting to find out where you would be. I thought I would find you at your mum’s place. Then it changed to your gran’s house and then Yvie called to say you were here. The plan was always to propose at midnight, wherever you were, whoever you were with. I was just about to come inside and do it in front of all the people that you love.’ A scenario had obviously dawned on him and he’d groaned. ‘Fuck, I’m glad that didn’t work out. I’d be standing in there like an idiot right now.’
Emmy had felt like the worst person on the entire planet. And still people around them were bloody celebrating. ‘I’m so sorry, Cormac. I love you, but I just can’t do this.’
‘But why? I still don’t understand.’
Emmy had bitten her lip, scared to say it because it said more about her than him. This wasn’t Cormac’s fault. It was hers. She’d felt herself begin to crumble as sorrow swept in.
‘I. Can’t. Marry. You,’ she’d said, squeezing the words out through sobs. She’d taken a breath.Say it. Tell him the truth. ‘Because you deserve better than someone who is going to think the worst of you. You deserve someone who will never doubt you. And I don’t think I can be that person any more. I’m so sorry.’
Overwhelmed, she hadn’t stuck around for his reply, because she couldn’t bear to hear it. Instead, she’d about-turned, run back into Gino’s and straight into Ailish’s arms.
‘Emmy! What is it? Oh, sweetheart,’ her mum was murmuring now as she held her, and Emmy didn’t care that they were surrounded by the concerned, curious expressions of just about everyone she called family: Gran. Dad. Aunt Gwen. Aunt Rhonda. And then the friends – Dario, Matty, Gino – that she’d known all her life too.
‘Emmy, are you okay?’ That was from her dad. A bit clueless and hopeless as usual, but she could hear the worry in his voice.
She lifted her head, dried her cheeks with the cuffs of her jumper, nodded hesitantly. ‘I’m sorry. I’m okay. Just…’ Her words got stuck there, because she didn’t know what to say next. I’ve just blown my relationship? I’m a terrible person? I’ve just trashed my boyfriend in the street?
Before the silence grew, her mum stepped right in and took charge. ‘You don’t have to explain a thing, sweetheart. Just come with me and we’ll talk somewhere a bit quieter.’
‘You can use my office,’ Dario offered. ‘It’s out past the toilets on the left. Here’s a key.’
Emmy felt a toe-curling mix of gratitude and embarrassment. She kept her head down, hiding her tear-soaked face as her mum took her hand, and led her through the restaurant to the small room at the back of the building. On the way, they passed Nicky and her boyfriend, Scott, who were talking to Dario’s friend, Brodie, but her mum avoided subjecting her to an uncomfortable encounter by giving them a cheery, ‘Happy New Year! Just borrowing the office – we have a make-up emergency,’ as she swept Emmy right past them.
As soon as the door closed behind them, her mum steered her to the couch. ‘Okay, tell me from the start. What’s happened?’
Emmy spilled it all out. The suspicions that had been rising over the last month or so. The fears that had been niggling at her, but that had overwhelmed her this morning. How she’d tracked him, found he wasn’t where he should be, caught him in a lie. And then, the biggest kicker, how she’d just found out the reason behind it all. He hadn’t been having an affair at all. He’d been planning the most special moment for her. She’d found him outside, and he’d gone down on one knee and asked her to share the rest of her life with him. And…
‘You said no,’ Ailish finished the story for her, then went to the natural conclusion. ‘Oh, Emmy, I’m sorry. But if you don’t love him enough, or you’re not sure, then it’s best to be honest with him. It’s the right thing to do, even though it doesn’t feel like that right now.’
‘But that’s the thing, Mum, I do love him enough. But today, I convinced myself that he’d done something awful. Why would I do that?’
Her mum tried to cushion that one. ‘Well, there was some evidence that would make you think that…’
‘But why didn’t I just ask him? Why didn’t I trust him? What is wrong with me?’
That seemed to snap something in her mum because, all of a sudden, she reached over and lifted Emmy’s chin and she was totally giving pissed-off vibes. ‘Now you wait a minute, Emmy Ryan. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.’ Her shoulders slumped, as she went on, ‘Aaaargh, I could bloody murder him.’
‘Who, Cormac?’ Emmy was confused. ‘Because he doesn’t deserve that. He’s a really good guy.’ Why did Emmy feel like she was losing her grip on this conversation?
‘No, not Cormac. Your bloody dad.’ After blowing out a really irritated breath of air, she went on. ‘I’m no psychologist, Emmy, but it’s not difficult to see how you got there. Your entire life,you’ve always been so trusting, always seen the best in people, especially your dad. You trusted in his honesty, and then you found out in the most brutal way that he’d lied to you, to me, to all of us. A shock like that leaves its mark. It’s only natural that it shifts something in you, makes you lose faith in people, in your own judgement, maybe even in love. It makes you protect your heart and push danger away. It’s why I’ve shut down every feeling since it happened. Your dad’s affair didn’t just affect me though, it broke our family and that leaves a scar. It has to, because we’re human. But you can’t give into it, sweetheart, because that damage will fade, I promise. It might just take a bit of time, but you’ll get there.’
Emmy took in what she was saying, processed it, ran it back and forwards in her mind, and then recognised the truth of it. Damn, it made total sense. Why had she not thought that through before now? And why had she just stormed right in and screwed everything up? Her groan came right up from her boots. ‘But if I do get there, I’ll be fricking alone because I just blew it with Cormac.’
‘Well, maybe you should go speak to him and see if he’ll understand too. And if he’s the man you think he is…’
Her mum didn’t even finish the sentence before Emmy was on her feet and running.
36
DARIO
