I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t even realize Wade had pulled the truck into a space outside of Jack’s. He slapped his hand on my shoulder and it jolted me back toreality and out of my day dreams of the way my name sounded from Stella’s lips.
“Lets go get fucked up, brother,” he said cheerily as he opened the door to head in.
So much for one fucking beer. I was going to need a couple of drinks to get those mesmerizing emerald eyes and the tortured look on Stella’s face off my mind.
I was so fucked.
THREE
stella
Sunlight permeatedthe room’s curtains, letting me know it was time to get up. I blinked away the grogginess of a good night’s sleep, feeling more refreshed than I had in a long time.
Max was right, Connie had taken care of us when I’d pulled into The Mayfair, easily finding us a room for the night. She had happily doted on Charlie, making sure I had a portable crib for her to sleep in as well.
The Mayfair was a quaint little inn in the middle of the quiet downtown area. A faded brick facade showed the building’s long history in this small town, its weathered edges softened with age. It stood tall amongst the small shops that lined the streets, a beacon of solace for my weary soul.
Walking in that evening, we were greeted by a small reception area and an even smaller woman sitting behind the check-in desk. She had looked up from the worn pages of a paperback novel that sported a scantily clad woman and a shirtless man in a lover’s embrace on the front.
Sounds like my type of book.
The woman, Connie, had been kind when I’d mentioned Max and his offer of hospitality. I didn’t miss the slight flicker of curiosity that had graced her face upon hearing his name. She hadn’t asked many questions as she checked us in and I was beyond thankful, as I didn’t know the answers to many of them myself. Shehadseemed shocked that Max had gone out of his way to be kind. To be honest,Iwasn’t even sure why he’d been so nice to me.
After all, I was just some random damsel in distress on the side of the highway with a screaming baby.
Pushing away the intrusive thoughts that the only reason he’d been kind was for pity, I rolled over to check on Charlie. Looking down into the portable crib, my heart fluttered with an overwhelming sense of love as I watched the gentle rise and fall of her chest.
Sensing my staring, her eyelids fluttered open. I brushed away the fine, downy baby hairs from her forehead, feeling the warmth of her skin beneath my touch. Her eyes met mine, and she greeted me with an irresistible, toothy grin.
There’s something so innocent about toddlers that makes even the darkest of days seem bright. They have no reservations about life. They are just content being around those they love. I craved the quiet contentment that seemed to effortlessly emanate from Charlie; just a taste of it would be enough.
I had been an only child, often seeking the approval and praise of my parents. My parents, although nice people, worked often. Nannies, family friends, or child care centers took their place in their absence. Growing up, I craved affection, often finding it in places that weren’t ideal. Hence, how I ended up tangled up in Dean’s web.
Again, pushing the wayward thoughts of my past from mymind and forcing myself to focus on the present, I leaned over into the portable crib, scooped Charlie’s little body up into my arms, and plopped her on my lap.
“Good morning, sunshine,” I cooed.
I woke Charlie with the same greeting every day. Starting your day with a smile, I theorized, was a good way to set a positive tone for your mood. I wanted to instill in her a positive outlook on life, even when the world seemed bleak. I wanted her to know that every single day, there was something worth smiling for - even if that something was as simple as getting up in the morning.
Her toothy grin spread so wide that her cheeks nearly squished her eyes closed. She reached out and grabbed hold of my tank top, trying to yank the neckline down to reach what she wanted.
Charlie had been exclusively breast fed for the last ten months. She’d taken to nursing like a champ and now that she was getting older, it was supplemental at best and a comfort item at worst. It felt like a double-edged sword, but I wasn’t ready to let go yet; neither were my boobs, knowing our bonding time was ending soon.
I huffed a small laugh and tugged the tank top down, releasing my breast and positioning her to latch. She took right to eating, eyes wide as she looked around at our surroundings. I glanced at my phone as she ate - six in the morning.
We’d gotten a solid eight hours of sleep, which in the world of a parent, was unheard of. I let loose another small chuckle as I looked down at my girl.
“Got some good beauty rest, didn’t you, love?” I asked, stroking a finger down between her eyes and over her buttonnose. She grinned around my nipple and reached for my finger, holding it in her tiny hand.
My heart swelled with joy as I watched my beautiful daughter cling to my hand. She was the only good thing to come out of Dean and I’s relationship. I regretted many things in my life, but Charlie had never been one of them.
The experience of motherhood often showed you just how fragile life could be. You handled the wellbeing of another human, not just yourself. Often, it required you to sacrifice your own wellbeing for the safety and happiness of your child. Being a mother was a truly selfless act, and often one that was inherently thankless.
I’d never seen myself as someone who desperately wanted children. I’d always seen myself as someone who would be steadfast in a career, maybe something to do with design or fashion. Being a mom had been a foreign and terrifying concept.
Throughout my pregnancy with Charlie, I couldn’t help but wonder about the kind of mother I would become. I hadn’t grown up with the doting, unyielding, and motherly role model that most families are blessed with.
Many women claim to possess certain motherly instincts, but I certainly lacked them. I didn’t get butterflies or bursting ovaries when someone had a newborn baby in my small friend group. I didn’t offer to babysit when you needed a night out. Motherhood hadn’t really been something I’d ever given much thought to.
