I nodded slowly as I let out a deep breath. “She was one of the lucky ones. Most kids in foster care who aren’t babies or toddlers can’t get adopted and end up aging out of the system once they turn eighteen.”
Silence fell for a moment, broken eventually by my hands returning to the washing again.
“I’m assuming her mother is out of the picture now because you adopted Rose,” Marshall finally said, picking up a clean plate to dry.
I grimaced. “She is… but shedidcause issues after the adoption was finalized. We had to put Rose into intensive therapy sessions because of it.”
“She seems so well-adjusted….”
I shrugged sadly. “She isnow,but those first couple of years Rose was with us were extremely difficult.” Sucking in a breath, I focused on my washing. If I could focus on mundane tasks, it would be easier to avoid my memories. “Her mother found out where she was and kept showing up at Rose’s school.”
“Oh Christ….”
“We’d get a phone call from the school once a week or so. And then, about a year in, it all stopped.” My shoulders slumped as I let out a sad sigh, my hands stilling under the water. “Jackson thought she’d given up trying to get to Rose, but it felt too sudden. I asked my lawyers to look into why she’d suddenly disappeared.” I paused my movements as the memories of those phone calls came to the forefront of my mind. “It turned out she’d disappeared because she’d overdosed one last time.” I clenched my jaw. “The police found her body a few days later.”
When I heard Marshall gasp, I glanced over to find his eyelids clenched shut.
“We tried to keep the news from Rose, but she’s always been so smart.” A tiny sad smile played at my lips.My clever girl. “First, she approached Jackson for answers, but he refused to tell heranything, convinced that it would only fuck her up further, so she came to me. I talked to her therapist about it before I told her anything, and we agreed that it was in her best interest to let her know what had happened. When I talked to her, I found that she’d already figured it out. She just wanted someone to confirm it for her.”
He wiped at his eyes with his thumb, only for it to come away glistening from unshed tears. “And she was… what? Nine then? Ten?”
“Yup, nine. Just before she turned ten.”
“Christ.”
“Pretty much.” A deep sigh rumbled out of me as my thoughts turned bitter. “I didn’t know it at the time, but that marked the beginning of the end for my marriage to Jackson.”
Marshall’s brow furrowed before he glanced at me. “How so?”
I pressed my lips together hard before I let out a deep breath. “Rose needed a lot of therapy. Alot. She’s much better now, but she needed to work really hard to get the closure she was looking for. Jackson struggled with that. He couldn’t understand why she needed so much help.”
Anger swept over his face. “You’re kidding! How could anyone think that?”
A mockery of a chuckle escaped me before I could clamp my jaw together. “It wasn’t only the closure she needed help with. She needed speech therapy as well. Getting confirmation that her mother was dead and wouldn’t be bothering her anymore was good in some ways but made things worse in others. For a few months after she found out, the stress she was under caused her to develop a nasty stutter.”
His mouth dropped open as he looked outside at Rose again. “That’s why….”
He’d obviously remembered Rose’s choking struggle to get her words out yesterday when we were in the gas station’s stormshelter. “Yup. It only shows up now when she’s under immense stress.”
Pressing his fingers into his temple, he let out a long, shaky breath. “Good God, Daniel. How is she so stable now? What she’s gone through…. It’s enough to break anyone twice her age.”
Pride swept through me at his words. I was so happy that he saw what I did. “She’s the strongest person I’ve ever known.” I watched her run down the slight hill, toward the stable, chasing Bucky with a joy-filled laugh. She’d come such a long way. We both had. “Jackson couldn’t cope, though.”
Marshall’s eyes narrowed at my abrupt change of subject.
“The constant therapy sessions that we needed to take her to. Waking up to her screaming in the middle of the night. The mood swings.” I shook my head, still annoyed with my ex-husband. “The stuttering was the last straw. He left not long after it started.”
“That. Fucking. Prick.”
Somewhat shocked at the venom in his tone, I glanced at him to see his face flush from anger. I understood the reasoning behind my own anger, but hearing it reflected in someone else—especially someone who’d only known us for such a short time—made me feel less alone. “I know I shouldn’t still be angry.”
He nearly gave himself whiplash when he turned his head to stare at me.
I shrugged in answer to his incredulous look. “It’s been three years. I should move on, like he did twelve months after he left us.” When the old hurt flared bright, I sucked my teeth to calm myself, then breathed slowly in and out for a five count each time when that didn’t work. Rose’s therapist had taught it to her early on, and it had turned out to be remarkably handy to us both over the years. “But it enrages me to know that he deserted a young girl thatneededhim. He wanted to adopt Rose just as badly as I did but then couldn’t be bothered putting in the workwhen push came to shove. Ihateknowing that he chose to give up instead of fighting for her. For us.”
Unfortunately, sometimes even the best breathing exercises wouldn’t work when the emotions were too raw. I swiped furiously at my cheeks when I felt angry tears overflow from my eyelids, no matter how much I blinked to stop them from falling. It was the old hurt, coming back to punch me in the gut once more. The hurt that had often kept me awake at night.“For me.”
“Oh, Daniel….” Marshall stepped forward and wrapped me in his arms, holding me close as I tried desperately to choke back my tears. “It’s okay to feel angry.” His palms ran soft circles around my back before I felt him kiss my temple. “It’s okay if you’re struggling.”
