And if I ever hurt you, dearest Leah, I would never be able to forgive myself…He needed to remember that, at all costs. He needed to remember that all of this, every moment, regardless of how real it felt,hadto remain a performance and nothing more.
CHAPTERTWENTY
Nerves writhed in Leah’s belly as she searched the faces of the cards in her hand, wondering what to pick. Cards had never been her forte, and the expectant stares of her dearest friends were not helping matters.
They were sitting on picnic blankets in Hyde Park, wrapped up in furs to keep out the autumn chill, and though she kept trying not to look, Leah’s gaze continuously drifted across the Long Water to where people were milling about, taking down the remains of the carnival. Her heart soared, seeing the lake where Nathaniel had rowed her safely, the dance floor where they had danced, the horse arena where he had come running to meet her, and what she thought might be the trees where he had accidentally grabbed her. In truth, she had been disappointed when Nathaniel disappeared for two hours, but somehow, it had only made his eager return sweeter. He could have easily left without saying a word, but he had not; he had wanted to end the night walking with her, sharing a paper bag of roast chestnuts, talking of everything and nothing as her mother trailed dreamily behind, likely envisioning a wedding in those gardens.
“This is ridiculous!” Matilda threw down her cards. “Are you really not going to say a word about last night? You know, I ordinarily do not care for such things, but it was the Countess of Grayling, and you have said nothing!”
Anna sniffed. “I find her vulgar.”
“Only because you were not invited,” Phoebe quipped, looking fully recovered after her sickness. “If you had been in attendance, you would have spoken of nothing else.”
Anna crossed her arms. “That is not true! I could not care less if I was invited.”
“There were footmen dressed as fairies,” Leah said, smiling as Anna’s expression transformed into one of envious awe. “There were tumblers, jugglers, fire-eaters, horse riders performing tricks, and every sort of delicious stall you could think of. There were even merfolk perched on rocks in the Round Pond. Nathaniel rowed me to see them.”
Anna’s face scrunched though it was uncertain whether she meant to cry or rage at the injustice or burst into a fresh interrogation. “Merfolk? No, that is impossible.”
“I promise you,” Leah replied. “And I met the Countess of Grayling.”
Matilda squeaked. “You did not!”
“Why have I become an infamous liar, all of a sudden?” Leah laughed. “I swear, I met her, and you would have been pleased to hear what she said to me, Anna. She told me that if I were to find a good man, a truly good man, that I should hold on and never let go.”
Anna shook her head. “Now, I know you are fibbing. She despises gentlemen. She despises the very idea of love and marriage.”
“And that is precisely why I adore her,” Matilda sighed.
But Phoebe was staring at Leah strangely, her head tilted to one side. “Why would she say a thing like that to you?”
“Hmm?” Leah pretended not to understand the question.
“Why would she say something like that to you?” Phoebe repeated. “Was Nathaniel with you when she said this?”
Leah gulped. “Yes. He is a friend of hers.”
“Oh, well, this makes it all so much worse!” Anna wailed. “Clearly, he is in some sort of secret relationship with the Countess, andthatis why he is in this deceit with you. His mother must not approve of such a woman, and I do not blame her.”
Phoebe shook her head, smiling in a way that made Leah’s stomach twist. “Or she saw something between you and Nathaniel,” she said slyly. “Might I be right? Was it after you had danced, perhaps?”
“Who said I danced with him?” Leah’s chest squeezed, her eyes unable to meet Phoebe’s.
“Your face does,” Phoebe replied. “Is the ruse, perhaps, becoming real?”
Matilda scoffed. “Oh, what tosh! Leah is not interested in the fellow. You are becoming like Anna, putting fancies of romance into your own head.” She glanced at Leah, nudging her. “Tell them, dear Leah. Tell them that you have not followed the same path as our darling Olivia.”
“I have not,” Leah insisted, banging on her chest to loosen the tightness. “It is still just a ruse to help us both, but that does not mean I did not have an enjoyable evening. Is one not allowed to have an entertaining evening with a friend, simply because he is of the male variety?” She heard herself, worried that her protests sounded false.
Phoebe nodded her head slowly, sarcastically. “Of course, you are, but we all know how difficult it is for men and women to be just friends.”
“Again, nonsense. Tosh. Balderdash.” Matilda harrumphed. “Men and women are perfectly capable of being nothing more than friends, but society is designed to make it almost impossible by keeping them separate. I, myself, have made several acquaintances at Cambridge University, and not one is interested in me in that manner.”
Anna sniffed. “That is because you dress like a boy.”
“That is beside the point,” Matilda replied.
Phoebe shuffled closer to Leah. “But would it be so terrible if this ruse had become something real? Would it be so awful if you began as friends, and it transformed into something more… romantic?” She took hold of Leah’s hand. “You do not have to be scared of telling us what your heart is saying, Leah. I know you were worried about telling us of this ruse in the first place, and that is what makes me think you might be too afraid to confess that your feelings have changed. You need not be. You are safe with us, safe to tell us everything and anything.”
