Joanna shuffled around, resting the back of her head against Phoebe’s lap, while frowning up at the ceiling as if she would find her answer there. “I do not love him,” she replied after a short while. “I have heard Auntie Olivia and Auntie Leah say that they knew they loved their husbands rather quickly, and… it does worry me that I do not feel that way for Daniel. But then, you and Auntie Matilda have always said that love is rarely an immediate thing, and if it is, it is not to be trusted, so perhaps that makes it less worrying.”
“I said that to you?” Phoebe could not remember.
Joanna shrugged. “I think it might have just been Auntie Matilda, but you did tell Ellen and I to be wary of that… immediate rush of love. Not that I have ever felt it, so I would not know if I have experienced it or not.” She paused. “But I know I do not have it for Daniel.”
Phoebe considered the feelings swirling inside her chest, so powerful and confused that they did resemble the panicky sensation of a warning. Perhaps she should have listened to her own advice, then she might never have willed Daniel to kiss her or kissed him back at the first opportunity. Indeed, though Matilda was not always right, she was rarely wrong.
“But he seems very nice,” Joanna continued, “and he has everything that you said I should look for in a husband. He has a good family, good station, a good ability to provide, good connections, and so, I am certain that, with time, I can love him. It might not be the same kind of love that Auntie Olivia and Auntie Leah rave about, but… I think it will suffice.”
Phoebe gazed down at her sister, realizing that the younger woman was trying her best to be rational. All this time, Phoebe had feared that Joanna and Ellen would be led astray by that rush of feelings, not realizing that she also had the capacity to get swept away by a tide of emotions. Now, it was Joanna being sensible, making choices for the benefit of her future, while the notion of love and feelings seemed to be secondary.
“You have grown up so much,” Phoebe choked out, overcome with a curious sort of pride. “When did that happen?”
Joanna chuckled. “Truly, it is as much a mystery to me as it must be to you, but I have a sense that this is the right choice for me.” She hesitated. “Of course, I know you do not approve of him, and you shall have the final verdict, but… I really do think that I can learn to love him. Why, you once thought I would never learn how to do arithmetic, for I was hopeless at it, but I figured it out, in the end. I think this might be the same.”
“You are relating love to arithmetic?” Phoebe had to laugh, though it echoed hollow—the guilt made sure of that.
Joanna waved a dismissive hand. “Everything boils down to numbers and determination.”
“And you are certain you could be satisfied with a marriage thatmighthave no true love in it?” Phoebe needed to be sure.
Joanna nodded. “I do not mean to be unkind, but if I were to pursue a love match and nothing less than that, there are no assurances that it will ever happen, and I might end up like Auntie Anna. A spinster who longs for love and cannot find it anywhere. I think that would be a crueler fate than having a marriage that becomes nothing more than companionship.”
Phoebe wanted to scold Joanna for being a little hurtful toward Anna, but she could not.
Joanna was right. Itwasa cruel fate to long for love, only to never have it happen. Phoebe had witnessed firsthand how it wore on Anna, year after year, and though Anna tried her best to keep her spirits high, there were times when she could not stop the crushing defeat from slipping through her demeanor, spilling tears down her cheeks.
And what about me?Phoebe wondered, though her decision had already been made.
“That is all I needed to know,” she said. “You go back to sleep.”
Joanna closed her eyes. “I am comfortable here.”
“Then I will stay,” Phoebe promised, for though she could not admit to what had happened on the bough of the cedar tree, she would not allow it to drive a wedge between her and her sister.
If Joanna liked Daniel enough to try to love him, and had the determination to do so, then Phoebe would forget all about that sweet, unexpected, thrilling kiss and keep her distance from him no matter what. Not only that, but she would give her sister what she wanted. The wants of her own heart did not matter. That was a promise she had made years ago, and a promise that she intended to keep, though she had faltered for a moment.
Never again, she told herself, touching her fingertips to her lips.
Never again.
CHAPTERTWENTY
After leaving Phoebe alone in the gardens with an apology and no explanation, Danielhadexpected to receive a taste of his own medicine, bracing for a cold front. What he had not expected, however, was for it to hurt so much. In truth, it was more than a cold front. It was a winter storm, lashing at his sensibilities, gusting at his fledgling feelings, pinching his heart.
For three days, Phoebe had kept her distance from him. She would not speak to him if they passed one another in the hallway, would not utter a word if they were the only ones at the breakfast table, would not even look at him throughout the games and walks and leisurely pursuits that Amelia had arranged for the remaining guests, and as he sought her gaze and longed for just a word from her, he began to truly understand the pain that he had put her through.
“Daniel, might I have a word?” His mother poked her head out of her private parlor as he passed, catching him by surprise.
He clasped a hand to his chest. “Have you been lurking there all morning, waiting to pounce?”
“Why, yes, I have. I have little else to occupy me while my darling ladies are primping and preening for our excursion to town,” his mother replied, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him into the parlor.
He glanced around, fanning himself against the blasting heat of the room. “Why do I feel as if I am about to be scolded? This is where you used to always perform your choicest scoldings.”
He meant it in jest, but his mother’s expression was anything but amused.
“What have you done?” Amelia demanded to know, folding her arms across her chest.
