“I’d rather be back at home with my parents than to stay here and be a duchess,” Lydia said darkly.
“But you were so unhappy there,” Violet protested. “We weren’t to talk about it, but everyone knew how unhappy you were, Your Grace.”
“I was,” Lydia agreed. “But at least the future held promise and possibility. Now that I’m here, this is all my life will ever be, Violet. I’ll never escape to anything more than this. I’ll never have anything better.”
“But aren’t things lovely for you here?” Violet asked. “I don’t understand what more you could possibly need. You can have whatever you want.”
Lydia shook her head. “Maybe I can eat whatever I’d like and make use of the kitchen at any time of day, but that’s a far cry from having whatever I want, Violet. This isn’t the marriage I dreamed of. It’s nowhere close.”
“What’s the problem with it?”
Lydia sighed. “I suppose I sound spoiled. After all, Iama duchess, and maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s not appropriate for me to find things to complain about.”
“You’re allowed to complain to me, Your Grace,” Violet said. “I’m here for whatever you need. You know that. I’m here to listen to complaints if that’s what you need me to do. Anything you need me to do.”
“It’s just that… well, my husband doesn’t love me.”
It sounded a bit silly to say it aloud.
“I know that must be an intimidating. thing,” Violet said sympathetically. “I’m sure it makes you feel as if you’re on your own. But, Your Grace, the two of you did just meet one another, after all. Of course he doesn’t love you yet. Do you lovehim?”
“No, I don’t,” Lydia replied.
“So, you see? It’s only natural. These things take time to grow,” Violet assured. “I’m sure that if you just have patience, before long you’ll find—”
“No, I won’t,” Lydia interjected. “I won’t find anything, Violet. He’s made that abundantly clear. He just told me, downstairs, that he wouldn’t have me to his bed tonight or any other night. That he has no interest in finding love with me or even in producing an heir. All he wants is someone to appear in public as his wife, for the sake of his business interests. He wants a duchess, but he doesn’t want love. The two of us will never be anything more than we are today.”
“You can’t know that for sure,” Violet said gently. “No one knows what the future holds.”
“But I know what hewants. He’s been very clear about it. He doesn’t want us to love one another. It won’t happen if he doesn’t want it. Don’t you see, Violet? He isn’t going to have anything to do with me. I’ll spend my days in his house like a piece of furniture, the lady he married so he would have someone to point to when he’s asked about his wife. That’s all I am and all I’ll ever be. And it’s devastating because it means that any hope of love in my life is gone now.
“I can’t dream of finding a gentleman who will love me. I can’t fantasize about enjoying the feeling of love myself or about the embrace of a child. I’ll never know any of those things. My life might as well be over because it will never include anything more than what I already have!”
“Oh, Your Grace, don’t say such things,” Violet said. “I understand that this must have come as a shock to you, and I’m sorry it’s happened, but at the same time, you reallycan’tknow what to expect from the future, you know. All right, so things aren’t going to look the way you hoped they would. That’s a disappointment, and I understand that you’re having a hard time adjusting to this new reality. Of course it would be difficult to face. I’d expect nothing else. But that doesn’t mean that no good things will come your way in life. You don’t know what might happen. You might encounter wonderful blessings that it never even occurred to you to want! Your life might be rich and lovely and full—but full of things you never dreamed of.”
“You’re just trying to make me feel better.”
“I am,” Violet agreed. “But that doesn’t mean what I’m saying is untrue, Your Grace.”
“All I wanted was to fall in love,” Lydia said. “Perhaps to become a mother someday. So many times, I thought about what it would be like. And I was always able to tell myself that that future lay ahead for me. I would think about it at night as I was falling asleep, and I’d fall asleep with a smile on my face and hope in my heart. Now, that hope is gone. It’s impossible to imagine feeling cheerful about anything, knowing that the one great hope I had for my life has been snatched from me.”
“Perhaps you should get to bed,” Violet suggested. “I know this has been a shock, Your Grace. Things will certainly look brighter in the morning.”
But Lydia wasn’t sure they would. She knew she was being dramatic tonight, focusing on the very worst of her situation. Violet was right. There would be good things about being a duchess. Perhaps she should try to be thankful for those things. And then, also, there was the fact that no situation had ever been improved by moaning about it. Surely it made more sense to try todosomething to improve her lot than it did to sit around lamenting what had happened.
Pull it together. What’s done is done.
No, things wouldn’t automatically get better in the morning. But the only one who had the power to improve things at all was Lydia herself, and it wouldn’t be done by sitting around and complaining.
The best thing, then, was to get herself a good night’s sleep and then to see what she could do in the morning. This was her life now, for good or ill, and she did have choices left. She could lament what she had lost, or she could focus on what she had gained and try to make the best of a bad situation.
She was out of her parents’ house. That was a good thing.
She might be trapped in a loveless marriage, a marriage with no future, but at least her husband wasn’t going to be brutal or unkind. She had been so intimidated by him when she had first met him, but now, she wasn’t frightened of him at all. Angry, yes, but not frightened. He had done nothing to harm her, nor would he—apart from the theft of her future, that was.
Violet turned down the bedcovers, allowing her to get in. “Can I get you anything?” she asked. “Something to eat or drink, perhaps?”
Lydia was on the verge of saying no—she wasn’t hungry or thirsty, and she was ready to be alone with her thoughts. But then, she changed her mind.
