He heard fear in her voice. “I’m saying it’s natural,” he said. “You don’t need to be afraid of it. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”
Her shoulders slumped—or maybe they simply relaxed. He couldn’t be sure. “You’re right,” she said. “I don’t know why I thought it mattered.”
“I’m not saying how you feel doesn’t matter,” he said. “It does, of course. But it doesn’t mean we’re going to fall in love. It doesn’t mean you need to put up walls between us to prevent that. It probably isn’t going to happen. Not unless we were to decide we wanted it to.”
“Which we wouldn’t decide,” she said. “We’d never want that.”
He felt a twinge of disappointment, hearing her say it so bluntly, but he didn’t want to argue with her, so he just nodded.
She sighed. “It’s a bit sad, isn’t it?”
“What is?”
“Knowing that this is all we’re ever going to be. Did you ever imagine what marriage would be like when you were younger? Did you ever think there might be more to it? That it might involve love?”
“I’m like you,” he said quietly. “I never wanted to marry.”
“Then why did you? You could have walked away. Is it just because you didn’t want to owe me anything?”
“That’s complicated, too,” he said. “I didn’t want to let you face disgrace and scandal alone, Madeleine. You know I couldn’t do that.”
“I suppose that’s not the kind of man you are,” she agreed.
“It’s not the kind of man I try to be,” he agreed.
He had hoped the conversation would make her feel better, but she wandered away from him across the grounds, gazing off into the distance. He had the feeling he had only made matters worse, but he couldn’t figure out why or how.
Perhaps he had learned the wrong lesson from this morning’s events. Maybe it would have been best to leave her alone after all.
He followed her across the lawn, deliberately not closing the distance between them, waiting to see if she would turn back and return to his side, but she never did.
It felt as if they weren’t even together. It felt like they were walking separately as if they were two strangers who happened to be out on the grounds together but had nothing to do with one another.
She was right, he thought as he walked along behind her.
Itwassad. And it was not what he had thought marriage would be.
CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX
Madeleine awoke, panting with fear for the third time.
She reached out and found Sally lying at the foot of her bed. Usually, that would have been enough to reassure her, but tonight she couldn’t get her racing heart to calm.
She liked that she had these nightmares. She always had before. Terrifying though they were, it was a connection to her past.
But tonight, she wished sincerely that they would leave her be.
It wasn’t usually like this. Every time she closed her eyes, she found herself staring into the flames. She felt haunted by what had happened to her family. All she wanted was to be able to get some sleep without revisiting the horrors of her past, but she was beginning to think it wasn’t going to be possible tonight.
Right now, she couldn’t even bring herself to face the idea of closing her eyes again. It was too frightening. She sat on the edge of her bed and buried her face in her hands, trying to forget the horrible images she’d seen in her dreams.
The dream had been different tonight. She hadn’t just heard the screams. She had actually seen her family members in the flames. That hadn’t happened in real life, and she hated that her mind was giving her such dreadful images. It seemed unfair. She had already lived through this. Why did she have to visit even more painful versions of what had happened when all she wanted to do was get some sleep?
Maybe it was the fact that she was in a new place. So much had changed lately, and perhaps it stood to reason that the things that had once been sources of comfort would now be strange and frightening.
Regardless, there was no chance of Madeleine getting any more sleep tonight.
She got out of bed and pulled on a cloak. “Come, Sally,” she said softly.
